Author Topic: First ever script. Bit of bad language though, sorry.  (Read 3088 times)

Offline jordanofengland

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First ever script. Bit of bad language though, sorry.
« on: July 30, 2007, 06:52:36 AM »
Hi Guys,

Not written a script before, and don't know too much about writing them, hence the reason I haven't offered any critique at the moment; my opinion would be completely uneducated. This is an bit from a script I have written about retail sales, computers, and an alien invasion. Sorry about the language, but if you work in retail, you'll forgive me.

Jake looks out of the window and we see the elderly couple attempting to get out of their car.

JACOB
Bagsy not me.
 
JORDAN
Shit.

JACOB
Look at them, they’re gonna be fun.
 
Jake walks behind the counter, the door chimes and the elderly couple walk in. Jake grabs his cigarettes and lighter from under the counter and walks off.

JORDAN
Where you going?

JACOB
Fag.

JORDAN (UNDER HIS BREATH)
Bastard.

The couple have a quick bemused look at the items on display before going up to the counter.

MAN
Can you help?

JORDAN
I can have a go. What are you looking for?

The man looks irritated.

MAN
A computer.

JORDAN
Right, let me grab a catalogue.

Jordan walks over to the catalogue rack and grabs a computer catalogue.

JORDAN
What sort of things are you going to be doing with it?

The man looks at his wife, who clearly has no idea.

MAN
Just the usual things.

WOMAN
We don’t need a big one.

JORDAN
Right. Are you going to be playing any games at all?

MAN
We might play solitaire occasionally.

JORDAN
No, I mean any high powered 3d shoot em ups?

WOMAN
No.

JORDAN
What about editing any video?

MAN
What’s that then?

JORDAN
You know like from a digital video camera?
MAN
No, I don’t think so. Not at our age.

JORDAN
Ok then, I would look at something around this sort of spec.
 
He points to a computer in the brochure, it is near the start of the catalogue and costs £599.

The man looks at it and then reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a scrap of paper with pencil markings on it.
MAN
My friend, who is a techy, told me this was what I should get.

He puts the piece of paper down on the counter for Jordan to read.

JORDAN
Right, if you’re not going to be playing games you won’t need a 512mb graphics card.

MAN
Why not?

JORDAN
Because you’re not going to use any of it’s 3D rendering capabilities.
 
MAN
Well my friend said I needed it, and he is a techy. And it says is PC Advisor that I should have it. They reviewed it this month.

Jordan accepts defeat. He knows he is never going to beat a techy friend.

JORDAN
Right, no problems. I can build it into the machine if you want. Do you need any software?
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know 
what to add to it. - Sums up life quite nicely.

Offline X-Writer

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Re: First ever script. Bit of bad language though, sorry.
« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2007, 02:54:15 PM »
Hi Jordan,
Welcome to this wonderful world "Screenwriting". I can feel your gift in writing, and if you don't know, that's all you need to be a screenwriter beside a few rules that you should respect.
Rule Number One:"They can't read your mind, write what you see"
It means you have to describe the scene for the reader. The place -Where are we?-, The characters -Who is  there- and the action -What they are doing?-.  I've read the pages but I felt like I am hearing a radio FM. I couldn't imagine what this shop looks like. You have to give the reader a few hints at least then he will complete the scene using his own imagination. Your characters also, you didn't describe 'em at all, you have to mention their ages at least so we can build the scene in our minds.
Rule Number Two:"You get a story to tell, few pages to fill "
It means you shouldn't mention a lot of details. Just write the important stuff that will keep your story flowing. For example your dialogue make us feel like we are watching a security camera tape not a movie. Lesser details will be better just get to the point.

Those rules are just a start it's like "Don't touche the ball with your hand, and shoot it in the goal" if we are talking about soccer.
http://www.imdbs.com/ This is a good site there is plenty of script that you can learn from try to read a script every day
"A script a day keeps writer's block away"

X-Writer

 
« Last Edit: August 25, 2007, 02:07:37 AM by X-Writer »
I'm a fact more than a man, "no one can live alone".

Offline Sasha6

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Re: First ever script. Bit of bad language though, sorry.
« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2007, 08:35:31 PM »
Alright, I haven't written as many scripts as I've read. I agree with X-Writer, we need to know the scene. Another point that needs to be made is: Are you writing a play or a screenplay? It makes a difference. In a play we imagine a stage that the actors have to perform on. What is the set? Where do the enter/exit? Is there any specific lighting or sounds that you need to achieve the mood of the scene? Are there any special actions the actors have to do or any specific way something needs to be said for the scene to work? All of these you need to keep in mind. Also, when doing an action (stage direction) you need to put it in parintheses(spelling?) or something so the actor can tell them apart from the Dialogue. Thats more on the technical side but still important.
Also, you're characters do need to be explained when you are explain the set at the begining of the piece. A director needs to know what they're looking for to achieve what the writer wants.

For a screenplay it's a bit different in that the characters are explained else where and not at the begining of the piece with the set. But set and "stage directions" are still important. But you don't need to dictate the charcater's every move, just whats important to the scene. If there is a mock gesture (an action a character uses throughout a piece) then write it down, but otherwise the actors will do their job and bring the characters to life.

It's hard to write a script when you're used to writing other things because a script deals more with dialogue when a novel deals with everything. Actors bring you're characters to life, but you still need to give them a character to act. It's hard to decide when there is to much direction and not enough. But you have a very good start here. Keep it up!

~Sasha
My significant other is myself, which is what happens when you suffer from self-obsession and multiple personalities.