Author Topic: My action-thriller-next five pages  (Read 2839 times)

Offline X-Writer

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My action-thriller-next five pages
« on: July 21, 2007, 02:14:20 AM »
Hi writers,
I was improving my English in the previous days. I hope my efforts haven't been wasted.

               A kids LAUGHTER

               A mail box is pulled open. There is only one envelope. A
               hand pulls it out. The hand belongs to Mike. He checks it.
               He looks away in anger, she never gives up? He rips the
               envelope in half and throw it in the trash. Someone is
               watching him through a window.

                                   VOICE (O.S.)
                         Watch out!

               Mike dodges a basketball. It hits the mail box instead of
               him. A KIND OF WARNING. He grabs it and throw it back to a
               few local guys in the basketball court.

                         Who was that?

               Jim, early-40's, catches it.

                         It was Paul.

               Paul, early-30's, next to Jim, rubs his hair in shame.

                         You can't mail it this way, paul.

               Mike collect two shopping bags and heads the house when his
               cell phone RINGS. He checks the number.

               Cell phone reads: HOME IS CALLING.

               Mike hits a button and ends the call.

               INT. MIKE'S HOUSE

               Mike shuts the door with his feet.

                         Sweet heart, I'm home.

               An innocent beauty comes out of a room, a 4 years old girl,
               NANCY, holding a white bunny in a hand and a phone in the
               other. It's hard to say which is more innocent than the
               other, Nancy or the bunny?

                         Why you didn't answer.

               Mike puts the bags down, moves to her and crouches,

                         'cause I was right behind the
                         door when you called me, honey.
                         I've finished my work early to
                         spend the rest of the day with

               A sunrise-like smile crosses her face.

                             (Very happy)

               She hags him. He picks her up, takes the phone from her,
               puts it back in its place.

                                   NANCY (CONT'D)
                             (to the bunny)
                         I told you he's coming.

               I take it back, she's more innocent than the bunny. He
               heads a table in the back and puts Nancy on it.

                                   NANCY (CONT'D)
                         Did you bring Kinder eggs?

                         Of course, and many other things
                         you like.

               Mike goes back for the bags, takes them to the kitchen.


               He is pulling stuffs out of the bags. He reaches for Kinder
               eggs when-

                                   NANCY (O.S.)
                         Was it from her?

               He takes the eggs out slowly, not sure about what he heard


                                   NANCY (O.S.)
                         The envelope, was it from her?

               Mike is stunned, she caught him in the act this time. He
               violently puts an egg down, almost breaks it.

                                                       BACK TO: NANCY

                             (Holding the bunny
                              tight; crying slightly)
                         I saw you when you ripped it.

               INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

               They are having dinner, Sitting at the table opposite each
               other. Nancy has no appetite. Mike is the opposite, didn't
               notice her. Finally he does. He picks up a delicious piece
               of meat.

                             (Chewing slowly)
                         Mmmm! How delicious.

               Nancy didn't even raise her head.

                                   MIKE (CONT'D)
                         You are not eating, honey? I told
                         you cookies will ruin your
                         appetite but you never listen to
                         me. Co-


                         Yes, sweet heart.

                         Was it from her?

                         I told you thousands of times:
                         it's from an old friend  who
                         insists that I be present in his
                         wedding and I have no time for
                         this. He never understands. He
                         keeps sending invitations over
                         and ov-

                                   NANCY (O.S.)
                             (blows up)
                         You're lying.

               Her face is dripping with tears. When did she start crying?
               Mike is surprised.

                         What make you say that, dear?

                             (crying; we can hardly
                              understand what she
                         I pulled...the pieces from...the
                         trash...and read it. Mammy's
                         name...was written on it.

               Mike lowers his head, puts the fork and the knife down,
               he's out of tricks. He stands up heads Nancy, it's time to
               be frank with her.

                             (wiping her tears with
                              his thumb)
                         Drink some water, honey.

               Nancy does. He crouches.

                                   MIKE (CONT'D)
                         Listen to me carefully,
                             (grab her chin gently)
                         She is not a good mammy. You have
                         to forget her.

               She is still grabbing the heavy cup with her tiny hand.

                         I don't want to. I love her. I
                         want her back.

                             (anger is raising)
                         She hurt you, remember? She left
                         you in the house alone for many
                         times when I was at work. She
                         don't care about you. Why do you
                         care about her.

                         'couse she is my mammy.

                             (still raising)
                         What if I leave you with her and
                         she beat you again.

                         She won't.

                             (Blows up; slams the
                         How can I be Goddamn sure about
                         that, huh?

               Nancy close her eyes in shock and drops the cup. It rolls
               and rolls. It finally falls on the floor and shatters, just
               like this family.

               Nancy SCREAMS in pain.

I'm a fact more than a man, "no one can live alone".

Offline X-Writer

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Re: My action-thriller-next five pages
« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2007, 02:16:44 AM »

               Mike has already finished fixing a wound in Nancy's feet.
               She is lying in her bed. Her tears still shinning in her
               eyes. Mike is sitting on the edge.

                         Forgive me sweetheart. I didn't
                         meant to hurt you.

                         So is she.

               He covers her with the blanket and kisses her forehead.

                         There's a big difference.

                         Not for me.

               He eyes her for a while and stands up.

                         Time to sleep now. You have to
                         get up early tomorrow.

               He heads the door. She is still sad.

                         Please daddy let me see her.

               He puts his hand on the switch.

                             (doesn't turn)
                         After tomorrow the year will be
                         over. You will be able to see her

               A rise of a big smile invades her sadness.

                                   MIKE (CONT'D)
                         Think you daddy. I'll never eat
                         cookies again.

               Despite the bad news that only two days remain before the
               court decision is over, Nancy's last words make him smile.

                                   MIKE (CONT'D)
                             (turns the light off)
                         You don't have to honey. You
                         don't have to.

               Nancy turns right with a big smile on her face. She closes
               her eyes when a silhouette crosses the room.
               Nancy's felt it, she opens her eyes. She's still smiling,
               even fear can't ruin such moments. She gets back to sleep.
               She will probably dream about meeting her mother this
               night...Dream about, just deam about.
I'm a fact more than a man, "no one can live alone".


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Re: My action-thriller-next five pages
« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2007, 01:35:24 AM »

Same as I sent before. Let me know what you would like to do....