Author Topic: My first scenes (Pretty long and few bad words)  (Read 4715 times)

Offline X-Writer

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My first scenes (Pretty long and few bad words)
« on: May 29, 2007, 09:47:53 AM »
Hi writers,
I really want to hear your opnions about those scenes but please have some mercy while critiquing my English, I'm a nonnative English speacker.
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BROWN
Sounds of people walking and talking, traffic noise, sounds like we are in a main street.
It is a bottle of cheap drink that was covering the scene. Is it only the scene that the bottle was covering?

It moves up and down, a man is drinking. One thing is clear about him for now. This man is thirsty but not for a drink.

A WOOD KNOCK, sounds like a JUDG HAMMER KNOCK. One more thing is clear now this man is here only with his body and he is in somewhere else with every thing else. We are too close to get a clearer picture than that.

MAN#1 (V.O.)
(age 53)
Next is Mr. Wilson's case.
(calls)
Miss Laverty.

WOMAN VOICE (V.O.)
(age 26; scary)
Yes, your honor.

MAN#1 (V.O.)
In the last session, we had heard all the witnesses. Now we are sure that The accident of the January first 2007 wasn't a stinky crack from Mr. Wilson, like you said. How can you explain that?

Those words stop him drinking. A THIN TAIL of drink runs down from his mouth corner, he didn't even fully swallow the last swig. Whatever the reason that had made him stop, it is clear that the next words are critical.

WOMAN (V.O.)
(Cries slightly)
I was drunk that night. I couldn't remember what happened.
(beat)
(crying harder)
I really didn't mean to hurt her. It was-

MAN#2 (V.O.)
(age 32; nervously)
You didn't mean to! You had wounded her, and you-

He wipes the tail when we hear THE GUDGE HAMMER KNOCKS for three times.

MAN#1 (V.O.)
Pleas Mr. Wilson, let her speak.
(beat)
Continue Miss. Laverty.

WOMAN (V.O.)
(more relief)
I promise you, your honor, this will never happen again. I'll stop drinking, I'll-

A Tear runs across his face, before it is followed by others. Those words are more painful for him than they sound with the memories he got in his head. He tries to bear this, stoping any hint of weakness to show up.

MAN#1 (V.O.)
Sorry Miss. Laverty, promises have nothing to do in here. I am sorry to tell you, that you are making a grave danger on your daughter and your family.

WOMAN (V.O.)
But-

He fails, he starts crying hard.

MAN#1 (V.O.)
I think a whole year of missing your daughter will be enough to make you think more serious about your life and your family.
(beat)
We decide to forbid you to approach your daughter in the whole next year.

He can't even hold the bottle any more, his hand falls with the bottle and hits the ground as we hear THE GUDGE HAMMER KNOCK again and for the last time.

WOMAN (V.O.)
(screams)
NOOOOOOOOO!!

The scream goes away of him too fast. Its limits is as far as the pain that it came from is deep.
Now, the whole courthouse building is in the frame. He is sitting with his back against the new-painted wall of the courthouse. He is too far from us.

WOMAN VOICE (V.O.)
This is unfaire.

EXT. MAIN STREET – COURTHOUSE - DAY
THE STREET NOISE grows louder again, he is back.
He is JAMES PARISH, late-50's. He is very tired, dirty, in a shabby black suit. His face drips with tears, but he drinks instead of crying. We want to consider him as a homeless, but the well-cut suit, the neatly trimmed grey hair, well-chosen tie and the Italian-designed Shoes, all those signs keep us too confused to decide what he is.

THE STREET NOISE gets louder and louder. People are crossing the street with rush, no one cares about the other. Their legs interrupt the confusing picture of James. They try to avoid James's legs, but one of them fails and nearly falls.

THE FAILED (O.S.)
FUCK! Find for your self a dirty place that matches with your kind, you dirty homeless.

James smiles before he stands up leaving the bottle on the ground. He strokes the suit trying hopelessly to rub the tones of dust off. He collects the bottle.

JAMES
Believe me, I'll do if I just find more dirty world than yours.

EXT. COURTHOUSE – STAIRS – FEW HOURS LATER
The stairs is full of journalists holding mics and tape records, photographers taking pictures.
MIKE WILSON is trying to find his way between them, early-30's. He is an attractive man, well dressed, very happy and can't be better. He is holding a brown briefcase, looks like a lawyer.

JOURNALIST#1
Do you think she will break the court decision.

MIKE
No, she is mad, but not that much.

It is the same voice we heard in the opening scene as Man#2.

JOURNALIST#2
Do you think that the number of people hating you will increase after this case.

MIKE
No, because that will make an "out of rang error".

He motions the quotes with his fingers. Some journalists laugh. Some others are not happy for this, should they?

JOURNALIST#3
Don't you think being a lawyer had given you advantages on her.

MIKE
Absolutely not, law is only with people who do respect, and not with any one else.

MAN VOICE (O.S.)
BULLSHIT.

Everyone turns to see who is talking. He is James, with no tears on his face, burnt eyes. He is drunk and still holding the bottle.

MAN VOICE (O.S.)
You are twisting facts. Law is only with persons who don't need to break it.

MIKE
Oh, I see. Being homeless make the person see facts clearly.

He motions with his hands showing how clear it is. Everyone laughs making Mike look more happy. This man is ready to deal with every thing.

JAMES
(very serious)
Yes, as being heartless make the person blind to see them at all.

The laughter stops. Mike's smile turns into anger and wonder, wasn't ready for this. PAUSE.

MIKE
Heartless!

He heads toward James. Journalists give the way.

MIKE (CONT'D)
What do you know about me to say that?

James checks the bottle. It is almost empty. He empties it in his mouth before throwing it away.

JAMES
More than you think ,dude. Someday, I was like you. I know exactly how you feels right now.

Everyone is confused. Mike can't say a word.

JAMES (CONT'D)
You won. You are invulnerable. You are always right and never wrong.

Mike's face give an expression that James is telling the truth. James leans to Mike, striking the steel hot.

JAMES (CONT'D)
Here, and exactly here, your heart starts getting corrupted till you lose it completely.

He hits Mike's chest with his index aiming on the heart, following the rhythm of the words. Mike lowers James's hand violently but it takes him moments to make this respond. He gaze at James in anger before walking away.

JAMES
Did I hit the point, you motherfucker?

Mike goes back to James in rush and anger, threatening him with his index.

MIKE
You had passed your limits, dirty nut old man. You don't know who you are missing with.

James smiles and isn't even annoyed by this threat making Mike Boil in his own skin.

JAMES
Come on, do me a favor and make them arrest me. My friends are enjoying food and warm, and I don't know how to join them.

Mike want to say something but he just lowers his hand, swallows his anger in defeat before he heads toward his expensive car again. He rides it and slams the door.

JAMES
(loud enough to be overheard)
Do you know what law means, young lawyer?

Mike tries to ignore listening. He wants to go but traffic doesn't give him a chance. Somehow, he is overridden to listen.
Journalist stand in quiet, want to hear James's next sentence.

JAMES
It means: laughing-at-world.
Someday, life will make you hear how loud it is laughing at you.

Mike can't wait any more. He goes ahead not caring about traffic. He nearly makes an accident with rides behind. HORNS BLAST.

JAMES
(to himself)
Someday, like he did with me.

Photographers start taking pictures for James. Journalists raise their mics and tape records.

JOURNALIST#2
Sir, do you really know Mr. Mike Wilson?

JOURNALIST#3
Were you a lawyer in the past?

James shows no hints of what is happening around him. He is just following Mike's car with his eyes, which is too far and almost disappeared in traffic. An unexpected look shows on James's face, A LOOK OF PITY.
He ignores them and just walks away.
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I know that my English is poor and living out of the USA will make my dream to be a great screanwriter  almost impossible. Therefore, I'm looking for a partner, a partner that will make all my weak points go away. I hope that those scenes may make one of you accept being my partner.

Best Regards
I'm a fact more than a man, "no one can live alone".

Offline X-Writer

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Re: My first scenes (Pretty long and few bad words)
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2007, 02:29:31 PM »
Come on guys post me a reply. I really need your feedback.
I'm a fact more than a man, "no one can live alone".

PaulW

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Re: My first scenes (Pretty long and few bad words)
« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2007, 08:09:42 AM »
It's hard to reply to something and be quite negative X - so I'm sorry but I found it really hard to read. For example;

"In the last session, we had heard all the witnesses. Now we are sure that The accident of the January first 2007 wasn't a stinky crack from Mr. Wilson, like you said. How can you explain that?"

To me this makes no sense at all. Nor does.

"Their legs interrupt the confusing picture of James. "

Some of it, just doesn't read right.

"FUCK! Find for your self a dirty place that matches with your kind, you dirty homeless."

By the way, it's probably better to put (explicit language) as a warning in the title if you are going to use profanity - some people can be offended by it.

I can see you've tried really hard with this. The problem is, with dialogue being so key to this - all of them are coming over as non-native English speakers - which is a problem. This isn't your fault, but I think the only way you will get round it is to collaborate with a native English speaker. I couldn't even attempt to write in other than English so don't think I'm being precious about it - I admire you greatly for the attempt. But to be fair, I'd be patronising you if I said it was working.

Sorry I can't be more positive but you DO deserve a response.




Offline X-Writer

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Re: My first scenes (Pretty long and few bad words)
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2007, 12:29:12 PM »
Thanks PaulW. I was just waiting for this reply. I know my English is very bad I just wanted to share the others what I wrote. I'll improve my skills and I'll be back. I am looking for a collaborator also. Thanks a lot. I really appreciate your reply. Being honest is neither quite nor pretty nigative. By the way I wrote " Few bad words" in the thread's title I thought that was enough as a warning. Thanks again.
I'm a fact more than a man, "no one can live alone".

Patron

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Re: My first scenes (Pretty long and few bad words)
« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2007, 01:30:00 AM »
X;

I think that I understand your foundation but I truly believe it needs some more bricks too shore it up. I would be willing to help you on a more one on one basis, if you wanted. The difficulty for me lies in that helping you with this exact piece, on an open stage, tends to make it possibly more difficult to explain my meaning in help; if that makes any sense. I certainly am not the authority and end all of screenwriting but I am pretty sure, I have what it takes and have proven this to help you in some ways; I truly believe however that this should be a one on one help and then re-presented here, if you like. This offer is offered in a generous and understanding way and not intended to make you feel less in any way than what you have already accomplished; which obviously is more than most, by simply presenting your work for others to critique.

Sincerely,

Patron

Offline X-Writer

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Re: My first scenes (Pretty long and few bad words)
« Reply #5 on: July 21, 2007, 02:03:56 AM »
I truly believe however that this should be a one on one help and then re-presented here, if you like.
I like it. Your offer is very welcome. Just tell me what I have to do. My email address is already availabale. If you want anything else just tell me, please. I need anykind of help. I have a thick skin -all screanwriters should have one, by the way-.
Thanks Patron for this offer. You're really a generous man, to pay such attention for a newbie like me.
X-Writer
I'm a fact more than a man, "no one can live alone".

Patron

  • Guest
Re: My first scenes (Pretty long and few bad words)
« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2007, 12:30:56 AM »
X-Writer

OK. I ran through it again. I have already sent you a PM.

I certainly would be happy to offer my advice on this piece and am more than willing to continue to forge our way to a successful piece.

I am not going to respond directly here, until you tell me what you want:

This means, we can talk here on the public forum or PM, s which can be difficult if it comes to length, or from an email perspective. It's your choice and I certainly want you to be comfortable with whatever way you choose. Basically, yes, it needs some work but that is nothing to be worried about. You choose.

I also want to give Paul Kudos’ for responding. Paul you are truly talented, but perhaps more importantly, you are gifted..... I have a tremendous respect for anybody that spends their time to respond to anyone that follows their dreams and posts their inner thoughts for the World to believe.

In this Paul, I say thank you, and after what did I read; 1000 or more reads? You and I are the mere responses?........

It's sad to believe that just because one has a criticism or an dialogic believe that this or that person is not important, and that after 1,000 reads or more..............nobody care's to post............????????????????
Who are you?????????????? Who am I???????????????,   to judge? I must have missed the terms and agreements that stated this is only for professionals................... .

Patron say's, that's a real shame..............

Aren't we all trying to get noticed in this World? Don't we all have an intention to be the next......great?

Shame on all of you....... This website is about bringing out the best of all of us. That's great if you really, and I say, "really" read this; but if you didn't respond or thought some ridiculous thought of this was less than you are the master of then............... I say, shame on you.

Sincerely,

Patron
« Last Edit: July 25, 2007, 12:38:41 AM by Patron »