Author Topic: please critique  (Read 1471 times)

Offline abhijit

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please critique
« on: March 10, 2006, 11:00:10 AM »
Two articles here: one a short story, the other a feature. will be delighted and grateful if somebody really comes up with some good points which can make the stuff better. waiting...
abhijitj

Offline Grognoth

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Re: please critique
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2006, 05:42:50 AM »
Hi, I would try to critique, but only if your work is posted directly on to this site. I, and possibly others, feel that downloading is unnecessary and can be potentially harmful. Not everyone is up to date with anti virus ware etc.

Grognoth

BUBBA

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Re: please critique
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2006, 09:48:47 AM »
Abhijit, check this out and see if it helps.  These are just suggestions.  Bubba

INDIA: Troyís boys
by ABHIJIT DASGUPTA

   The rope doesnít perform magical tricks any longer.  Snakes doesnít sway to the tune of the charmer, and carcasses don't line the pavement of the millions miles (or kilometers) of road, in one of the largest nations of the world. Slightly embarrassed by its richness in poverty, India remains a puzzle to most.  An anachronism to even its own citizens, yet it is still quite the same land which Sir Winston Churchill once described as . ďa mystery wrapped in an enigma.Ē  But thatt is the view from the outside.
 
   Deep inside, in every large or small town, in each glittering metropolis, a giant churning is taking place.  A movement forcing the country forward, shaking off the age old shackles of superstition, out dated morals and archaic, unproven wisdom. For eons, India had remained the land of the arts and religion.  Soon indeed, if not already India will likely surpass other stronger, contemptuous Western nations in scientific (research, study, education) and logical progression.  But that is still hypothetical, yet again an unproven truth in which today's India rejoices quite unabashedly.

   Indians donít live in trees any longer. The old rope trick has vanished from the Indian stage, and snakes are seen only in remote villages, while the charmer has lost his tune.  A casual walk across one of Mumbaiís boulevards is bound to be highlighted with a BMW or two, not without their proverbial, opulence-smattered, post-modern swaggers.  Once again, the view from the outside doesn't quite reveal the huge melting pot in which the country now finds itself.

   I have so many youthful memories of my country, that this change seems more engaging and worth a sociological study, than simply a fascinating glimpse into one of the oldest cultures of the world.  Perhaps, the oldest. On goes the never ending argument with Egypt.  I am now 45 years old.  A perfect age for worshiping Janus, the two-faced Greek god, who could look forward while he looked back.

(HEADER) Streets, hoses & slipping all over

   As recent as  three decades ago, in the early morning, I  can remember how the streets used to be washed with a long, serpentine hose.  Corporation sweepers connected the thick clear rubber line to the nearest pavement sprinkler. Once cleaned with their morning bath,  the roads glistened in the early light.  People, in their flip-flops, busily walked these shining lanes, went tumbling, hastily cursing their clumsiness and trying to make it look as if all was normal. Children on the street rolled over in pure joy at such misfortune.  Captivating innocence played out on the, soon-to-be-dirty-again lanes, clogged with incessant traffic of office commuters.

   The early morning rituals would not be complete without housewives and their maids, as they packed charcoal into the mud ovens which lined the lane. The respective size of each oven indicated the number in the family.  Smoke from these chulas (brick ovens), curling skyward, mingled with morning heat and dust, covered the entire lane with a thick smog.  Nobody complained about their burning eyes.   Gas ovens had simply not yet made their forays into Calcutta or Kolkata, if you please.  There is some confusion among historians on the origins of the great city. 

Offline abhijit

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Re: please critique
« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2006, 11:03:43 AM »
thanks a lot. but you seem to have just split long sentences into two. don't you think that affects the style and the flow of copy.personally, but objectively, i don't agree. your's is too staccato, it jumps as it reads. short sentences are good but one should have the knack for it. just splitting long sentences into two won't help, i daresay.
pl do keep mailing, even if we don't agree on certain issues.
rgds
abhijit

Offline Mary Ann

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Re: please critique
« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2006, 02:32:10 PM »
Hi Abhijit.

I think I agree with you on this one.  I read your downloads and I think your sentences were just fine.  Using different words in sentences only works if the words used have the same meaning as the original word.  I think you used the right words.  Like you said..' the millions of roads' and not 'the million kilometers of pavements', it's not the same thing at all.  The only criticsm I would have on your original writings would be that sometimes it's not quite clear what you mean exactly. But that may be me, I'm tired today. I will look again.  Well done.  I think your writing has style.

Mary Ann ;)