Author Topic: Your Twisted Mind (rewrite)  (Read 1247 times)

Offline angelscribe

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Your Twisted Mind (rewrite)
« on: April 16, 2007, 10:18:57 AM »
Here's my rewrite for this poem. Please feel free to crit this and other rewrites. I'll post a new poem tomorrow, while I'll work on the other three to post in their rewrites. This is a rhymed pantoum, Melita, so each lines has to rhyme with the rhyme scheme. So I changed no fun to come undone. Any suggestions for a title?

Your Twisted Mind

This torture with a tingle is the worst in love,
When it comes to tumble from your twisted mind,
With the tools of the trade, that's not enough,
And you're talking about that love is blind.

When it comes to tumble from your twisted mind,
You're telling me the torment off the top of your tongue,
And you're now talking about being in love is blind,
For it's truly leaving me torn and come undone.

You're telling me the torment off the top of your tongue,
While my tired heart is totally tried and true,
For it's truly leaving me torn and come undone,
As you tipped my heart's contents by turning it over too.

While my tired heart is totally tried and true,
With the tools of the trade, it's not enough,
As you tipped my heart's contents by turning it over too,
This torture with a tingle is the worst in love.

 

My real name is Kristen. Please call me Kris.

Offline R. L. Copple

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Re: Your Twisted Mind (rewrite)
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2007, 11:17:56 PM »
Howdy,

I found this to be interesting, but I also stumbled over a couple phrases.

Quote
And you're talking about that love is blind.

I guess the result of meter fit, but the end of that didn't sound natural.

Quote
For it's truly leaving me torn and come undone.

And this line, I think the participle here followed by the two words, made me want to read it as:

...leaving me torn [pause] and come undone.

As if the "come" was joined to the "leaving" making it not read right to me, so I stumbled. Others may not have that sentence parsing upon first reading as I did, but something to consider.

Also, some trite phrases/images:

love is blind
tried and true
twisted mind (though I liked the sound with tumble)

"Torment off the top of your tongue" I liked as an image. But there were a couple lines that didn't seem to have much imagery, and this type of poem is really big on imagery, I believe. I've done a couple of them. My coffee one might even be on here somewhere. But I would look at possibly adding more vivid imagery to it, if possible.

Offline angelscribe

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Re: Your Twisted Mind (rewrite)
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2007, 07:30:37 AM »
Thanks R.L. I'll try to figure out more imagery in its next rewrite real soon.
My real name is Kristen. Please call me Kris.