Author Topic: How to Kill a Vampire  (Read 1068 times)

Offline Nevestone

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How to Kill a Vampire
« on: March 29, 2006, 07:29:10 PM »
I stared into the darkness.  It was so black that the usual grainy texture of night blended in to make a perfect veil of void before my eyes. I didn’t need to physically see to know I was dieing. My leather jacket held most of the blood from my side and the rain washed away the red trail of a gaping wound. The cold even helped to dull the sting and the adrenaline ripping through my body was enough to keep me from shaking free the sword in my grip. I was climbing the stairwell that my target had fled to and kept counting the seconds that his supernatural strength would overpower me to the ground. I needed that second to drive my sword home. Just one second and it can all end forever.

The door at the top of the stairs was ajar. The full moon had escaped from behind giant purple blotches in the night sky to illuminate the crack and flood light onto my last steps. It was a little too archaic for me. I leaned against the door with my shoulder seeing that my left hand was firmly pressed against the soft of my side, keeping whatever organ it was that wanted to slide out from doing so. I was beginning to feel dizzy.

“Just a little Longer Liz.” I muttered to myself.

The door swung open slowly squeaking on its hinges but I doubt anyone could hear it over the roaring from the rain overhead. It was then that I saw him. He was magnificent and it was no wonder Jane had fallen
head over heels for this jerk. He stood on the ledge, back to me with his hands held out to his sides ever so lightly cupping his fingers to gather water in his palm. His black hair whipped wildly in the wind whereas it would normally sit just below his waist. The black duster he wore flailed back and then my mind broke free of this nostalgic moment. He was committing suicide.

Just the thought that a vampire would imagine himself killable by falling five stories was laughable really. Yet the feeling of betrayal still stung harder than my side. I knew he was doing this for show. He wouldn’t die; he would limp away thinking he had done himself in for me. Heck no. He was going to die, burning in hell and I would be his hand basket. I darted out onto the rooftop full tilt boogie and watched in slow motion as he let go and fell forward. I leapt off the edge and my breath caught. What the hell was I doing?!
Jane’s face filled my thoughts. Her smile crippled my heart. I froze in panic for a moment and the anger returned until I focused on his decent and pressed my arms close to my body. I had caught up to him and spun him around enough to jab my sword into his gut and pull to the side. Vampires couldn’t survive massive blood loss; especially twenty minutes before sunrise. I saw the droplets of blood in giant globs trail behind him in massive sprays attempting to mimic the rain. He grabbed at my shoulders and struggled to pull me away.

The sheer terror on his face was worth a million dollars. Look mom, I got a vampire to flinch. I wouldn’t live to tell the tale but it was my final retribution. In the struggle I was somehow turned to be on bottom. I would hit pavement first. Lord let it be quick and painless, my mind begged. I stared into his face, with the moonlight behind him and the storm raging on in licks of light across the sky and I smiled. He was trying to say something but I couldn’t hear him. I could only hear my last thought. God rest your soul Jane, you are avenged. Then the world went dark.

Offline commatose

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Re: How to Kill a Vampire
« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2006, 12:19:36 AM »
i'm not experienced enough to judge overall impact. but maybe i can knit-pick a few smaller items-


I stared into the darkness.  It was so black that the usual grainy texture of night blended in to make a perfect veil of void before my eyes. I didn’t need to physically see to know I was dying. My leather jacket held most of the blood from my side and the rain washed away the red trail of a gaping wound. The cold even helped to dull the sting and the adrenaline ripping through my body was enough to keep me from shaking free the sword in my grip. I was climbing the stairwell that my target had fled to and kept counting the seconds that his supernatural strength would overpower me to the ground???. I needed that second to drive my sword home. Just one second and it can all end forever.

The door at the top of the stairs was ajar. The full moon had escaped from behind giant purple blotches in the night sky to illuminate the crack and flood light onto my last steps. It was a little too archaic for me. I leaned against the door with my shoulder, seeing that my left hand was firmly pressed against the soft of my side, keeping whatever organ it was that wanted to slide out from doing so. I was beginning to feel dizzy.

“Just a little Longer Liz.” I muttered to myself.

The door swung open slowly squeaking on its hinges, but I doubt anyone could hear it over the roaring from the rain overhead. It was then that I saw him. He was magnificent. It was no wonder Jane had fallen
head over heels for this jerk. He stood on the ledge, back to me with his hands held out to his sides ever so lightly cupping his fingers to gather water in his palm. His black hair whipped wildly in the wind, whereas it would normally sit just below his waist. The black duster he wore flailed back. My mind broke free of this nostalgic moment; he was committing suicide.

Just the thought that a vampire would imagine himself killable by falling five stories was laughable really. Yet the feeling of betrayal still stung harder than my side. I knew he was doing this for show. He wouldn’t die; he would limp away thinking he had done himself in for me.(confusing?) Heck no. He was going to die, burning in hell; and I would be his hand basket. I darted out onto the rooftop - full tilt boogie - and watched in slow motion as he let go and fell forward. I leapt off the edge and my breath caught(??). What the hell was I doing?!
Jane’s face filled my thoughts. Her smile crippled my heart. I froze in panic for a moment and the anger returned until I focused on his decent and pressed my arms close to my body. I had caught up to him and spun him around enough to jab my sword into his gut and pull to the side. Vampires couldn’t survive massive blood loss; especially twenty minutes before sunrise. I saw the droplets of blood in giant globs trail behind him in massive sprays; attempting to mimic the rain. He grabbed at my shoulders and struggled to pull me away.

The sheer terror on his face was worth a million dollars. Look mom, I got a vampire to flinch. I wouldn’t live to tell the tale, but it was my final retribution. In the struggle I was somehow turned to be on bottom. I would hit pavement first. Lord, let it be quick and painless, my mind begged. I stared into his face, with the moonlight behind him and the storm raging on in licks of light across the sky; and I smiled. He was trying to say something, but I couldn’t hear him. I could only hear my last thought. God rest your soul Jane, you are avenged Then the world went dark. 
 
these are things you might want to look at- i can't be sure i'm correct. just thought i'd give it a try. :)

i wish i could write more in your style. i'm bad at embellishment. i seem to write simply; straight forward and unembellished. :-\ i suspect it's 'uncaptivating'.
steve
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Niagara Falls- NIAGARA FALLS!.... Slowly i turned, step by step...inch by inch...I took my revenge. -vaudeville bit

Offline spanker

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Re: How to Kill a Vampire
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2006, 07:51:57 AM »
Very cool, except for the end of this paragraph:

The door swung open slowly squeaking on its hinges but I doubt anyone could hear it over the roaring from the rain overhead. It was then that I saw him. He was magnificent and it was no wonder Jane had fallen
head over heels for this jerk. He stood on the ledge, back to me with his hands held out to his sides ever so lightly cupping his fingers to gather water in his palm. His black hair whipped wildly in the wind whereas it would normally sit just below his waist. The black duster he wore flailed back and then my mind broke free of this nostalgic moment. He was committing suicide.

It just seems like such a sure assessment, during a moment when Liz was probably light headed and weak from her injuries.  Possibly: Was he commiting suicide? Even through her pain, humour rose to touch her lips with a wry smirk. 

I'm not a pro by a long shot, but I hope this helps.

Terry
I don't drink water because fish do rude things in it-W.C.Fields