Author Topic: The Monstrosity.  (Read 2728 times)

Offline zak_wolf

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The Monstrosity.
« on: March 08, 2006, 08:33:45 PM »
**Just a small warm-up I do...**


         Bowing out like wilted lilies, the charred-black branches loomed higher than its resident courtyard itself, just barely above the apartment buildings that surrounded it. Most would call it strange, perhaps evil from the way it seemed - but its common name was the Court Pike, circa 1918, just during the first World War. The casual, rustic buildings that populated and expanded around the Court - had hidden the tree from innocent eyes. Although there was no barrier or chains that prevented entrance to the courtyard, no one had dared to do so. Except one woman.
         Janice Grams noticed the cold slated bricks under her open slippers as she warily left the vacant corridor into the bleak grey, foggy day. Her white, combed hair drifted softly with the slowy churning wind that levitated some foliage to dance. Her wizened, blotchy tan skin eased on her face under the flaring sunlight through the translucent haze. She hummed lightly to her favorite television show, the Twilight Zone, and attempted a small skip - but it was heavy on her knees, so she dropped the playful thought. Then she noticed the wooden bench.
         Never before had she seen from her window this particular bench, which gleamed in a free shaft of light, but she did not have a care. Grams was especially known for her mischief and her stubbornness. She sat on the smooth wood groove, and immediately felt a calm in herself. A serenity to cast her horrible childhood away. A peace she once thought she could never have. A deep sigh left her dry lips, leaving her a tyke drowsy. The lighting and the comfort was causing her eyes to droop, eventually making her smile grow into a grin. She was beginning to love her morning.
         Yet, the deformed tree was bothering her. Its veined, black bark reminded her of tar, and its angular twigs resembled like knives. Flies buzzed around it. It was the only source that kept her out of the warm lull, giving her the shivers. Janice tried to ignore the gruesome sight of the rotting tree and its horde of flies, but the strangely familiar odor kept her awake. It was almost similar to smelling salt, but a hint of blood and urine as well.
          Janice made up her mind. She needed to leave... and motioned to rise from the bench, but she froze. She couldn't move at all - something kept her down on the bench. Short of breath from hysterical fear, she pushed with her weak, sweaty palms but her body nor her heels did not budge. Screaming and sobbing out of her mind, the elder woman strained and thrashed only in her mind.
          A light thud occured from her right, and as she glanced, she was startled enough to find that there were small, pale children from the age of six to eleven, all in winter clothes, even during an autumn daybreak. Grams whimpered when she realized that their violet veins were also visible through their grey skin that had hung from their clustered, broken bones. The oldest girl with a ponytail and braces began to walk near the tree, and strangely enough the children followed her in a single file, almost orthodox like a Catholic school. The leader faced the trapped elder and suddenly slashed across the tar-like bark, spilling even blacker blood over the tiled floor and its curled-up, ashen leaves.
          Before the cascade of blood could engulf her, Janice Grams let out her final shriek.


          No one had heard the scream, and as a decade passed gradually, they finally heard the missing Grams. Some residents say they see an elder woman with white, flowing hair, sit on the bench near the monstrous Court Pike, and only a few dared enough to risk two steps in the Court before they heard something. A tune. The familiar humming to the Twilight Zone.
« Last Edit: March 08, 2006, 08:40:39 PM by zak_wolf »
Just a quote I will always remember from Edgar Allen Poe:


"Nevermore!"

Offline zak_wolf

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Re: The Monstrosity.
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2006, 05:52:14 PM »
hey comments would be appreciated...  ::)
Just a quote I will always remember from Edgar Allen Poe:


"Nevermore!"

deathblackfox

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Re: The Monstrosity.
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2006, 11:54:44 PM »
Well all I can say is it was a bit different. I'm not into novels that scare me unless there good. Now that was alright I would suggest just from my point of view giving it a little diffference for the beggining sentence if you want to give someone the spooks. When the lady shrieked you should describe it, and give the readers a reason to become afraid with her.

Offline zak_wolf

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Re: The Monstrosity.
« Reply #3 on: March 10, 2006, 12:13:16 PM »
So how can you... describe the shriek? I know from lots of experience that going overboard with describing can lose the person's interest in the story and less describing can make more imagination. This trapped Janice Grams, surrounded by the ghost children in the fog, was about to be covered in black blood from the festering tree. I can easily imagine what she would look like when she screams... but although I don't really know what you mean by describing the shriek.

The beginning sentence wasn't actually meant to give someone the spooks - it was to give a little background on the tree and the apartments... just to show the location and how it looked. Its mood and etc, etc.

Thanks anyways.
Just a quote I will always remember from Edgar Allen Poe:


"Nevermore!"

deathblackfox

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Re: The Monstrosity.
« Reply #4 on: March 10, 2006, 12:25:24 PM »
Yes sometimes imagination is the way to go other times like this give them a reason give the shriek a pinch of charater. When you say that she shrieked well I want to know if it was cut off or if it was bloodcurdling. Was it a shriek of “oh god help me” or of pure terror. What was the message she gave?

Offline zak_wolf

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Re: The Monstrosity.
« Reply #5 on: March 10, 2006, 12:26:27 PM »
Well, for that I have to say nothing at all.  ;D
It's your imagination. What would you do if you were in that situation?
Just a quote I will always remember from Edgar Allen Poe:


"Nevermore!"

deathblackfox

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Re: The Monstrosity.
« Reply #6 on: March 10, 2006, 12:29:21 PM »
Personally I would just go along with one extra sentence instead of nothing, giving them a feel of fear :o with her.

Offline zak_wolf

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Re: The Monstrosity.
« Reply #7 on: March 10, 2006, 12:29:46 PM »
Okay, what would you suggest?  :-\
Just a quote I will always remember from Edgar Allen Poe:


"Nevermore!"

deathblackfox

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Re: The Monstrosity.
« Reply #8 on: March 10, 2006, 06:03:24 PM »
Quote
Janice Grams let out her final shriek.
I might put something like,
Janice Grams let out a final shriek of horror that even the children winced when they heard it.
Unless of course I just stole the whole imaginary part out of it.

Offline zak_wolf

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Re: The Monstrosity.
« Reply #9 on: March 10, 2006, 06:41:39 PM »
Dunno, I would want the children to be evil and just without human emotion.
Just a quote I will always remember from Edgar Allen Poe:


"Nevermore!"

deathblackfox

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Re: The Monstrosity.
« Reply #10 on: March 10, 2006, 09:50:15 PM »
Oh. You want those kind of kids! ;D Sorry about that!   ;)

Offline zak_wolf

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Re: The Monstrosity.
« Reply #11 on: March 12, 2006, 02:22:23 AM »
lol
Just a quote I will always remember from Edgar Allen Poe:


"Nevermore!"

Offline Mary Ann

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Re: The Monstrosity.
« Reply #12 on: March 12, 2006, 08:40:52 AM »
So how can you... describe the shriek?  I can easily imagine what she would look like when she screams... but although I don't really know what you mean by describing the shriek.

Hi Zak,

I found the above sentence in your reply to Deathblackfox's critique interesting.  You say: "I can easily imagine what she would look like if she screams...." 

Well, I think the answer to that is - when we write we form a vivid picture in our heads of what we are writing about. We imagine it, we build it and we form our picture like putting the pieces of a jigsaw together in our minds.  By the time we put pen to paper, we already have a fully formed picture of our story in our minds. The reader, on the other hand, has to start with nothing. He has no picture, he only has the words, like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, and he has to slowly build that picture.

So, yes, you can easily imagine what she looks like when she screams, cos it's your story, your picture. It's your idea your jigsaw. I think we have to read what we write from the viewpoint of someone who has never imagined our picture or read our story before?  Like someone making a jigsaw? Then we can see that maybe we need to reword a sentence to give the reader a clue.  Hope that's a help. 

Mary Ann
 

Offline zak_wolf

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Re: The Monstrosity.
« Reply #13 on: March 12, 2006, 08:59:31 AM »
Sure I get what you mean, but I meant that I want you guys to imagine on your own, because every single imagination is different. It's the same thing with Stephen King - he describes the monster as a huge, green thing. It wasn't very descriptive but you and I should have something different in our minds, right? That was what I wanted to do... but thanks.
Just a quote I will always remember from Edgar Allen Poe:


"Nevermore!"

Offline Mary Ann

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Re: The Monstrosity.
« Reply #14 on: March 12, 2006, 03:06:51 PM »
Hi again Zak

Ah, yes I see what you mean.  But to do what Stephen King did, we have to get pretty good at knowing what gives people a clue in a short sentence and what doesn't.  I get your meaning though and you are right.  Keep on doing it, you are right.  Sorry hon, I misunderstood.

Mary Ann :-*