Author Topic: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content  (Read 513034 times)

nassj

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #60 on: March 25, 2007, 11:35:41 AM »
Why did the woman plant  Cherios in her garden?

Because she wanted to grow a donut tree.

Offline rewh2oman

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #61 on: April 24, 2007, 08:39:29 AM »
Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents, Johnny thought for a moment and said:
"Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. 
Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. 
And George W. Bush can't tell the difference."

Offline Amie

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #62 on: June 04, 2007, 03:28:41 PM »
Just reminded of this one just this minute:

As I've probably mentioned elsewhere on the forum, my family are Armenian.  The other name for Armenia is Hyestan, and Armenians call themselves Hyes (pronounced "Hi").  My Dad, whenever someone would say "Hi" to him, would say, "How did you know?"   ::)
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Offline DC

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #63 on: June 05, 2007, 03:31:36 AM »
Candy just reminded me of these two...


How did Bob Marley like his Doughnuts?


Wi Jammin...


How did his friends like their Doughnuts?


Not sure, but we hope they liked Jammin too...
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - open throttle in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : "Woo Hoo, what
a ride!"

Offline bob414bob

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #64 on: June 05, 2007, 04:39:26 AM »
Okay, this isn't a joke it's a true story a women I met on holiday told me. She was a primary school teacher and had just moved somewhere up north (in UK). All the children there used to say putton instead of the word  put. She set an exercise asking them to rite five sentences with the word put in. One little girl cried out and said "Oh Miss, I've gone and putton putton when I should have putton put."
Bless.

Drow

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #65 on: June 05, 2007, 06:40:58 AM »
How can you tell a blonde used your word processor?
Your screen's covered in white-out.

What is red and lies in the roadside?
A dead fire engine.



Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #66 on: June 05, 2007, 09:56:59 AM »
The rather irate Copper caught me doing over 100mph and asked "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

In retrospect "Tearing along the dotted line." probably wasn't a smart answer.


Which leads into this line from a nameless American comedian on TV.  I can't recall the build-up but the cop asked him "Are you some kind of wise guy?"  And he replied, "I do have my moments of clear perception."

Gyppo
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Offline jeanette

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #67 on: June 09, 2007, 03:29:31 AM »
A cop pulls over a drunk driver, opens the car door and the man falls out into the street. As he staggers to his feet
the cop yells 'Good God, man! You're so drunk you can hardly walk.'
The drunk replies: 'Why d'you think I took the car.'
\"Abandoned\" is available from www.lulu.com/content/2072117<br /><br />\"the Dragon\'s Promise is available from<br />www.lulu.com/content/8075592<br />visit my website at www.jeanettemccarthy.co.uk

Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #68 on: June 10, 2007, 06:39:59 PM »
         This is known in my family as the Polar Bear Joke, as if there are no others...

        Two Polar Bears (Father and Son) are sitting on an iceberg.

        Son:  "Dad, am I a genuine 100% Polar Bear?"
        Dad:  "Certainly, Son."
        Son:  "No Brown Bear in our family tree is there?"
        Dad:  "No, all Polar Bear."
        Son:  "No Black Bear?  Not even a really distant ancestor?"
        Dad:  "No."  Clearly getting annoyed by these questions.
        Son:  "Not even any Grizzly Bear?"
        Dad:  "No way!  Look, Son, you are 100% pure Polar Bear.  We can trace our ancestry right back to the Great Bear In The Sky.  So let's not hear any more of this nonsense."
        Son:  "Okay, Dad.  Sorry."
        Silence falls for a while and they both sit there staring into the white wastelands as only Polar Bears can, and then the father turns his head back to the little bear.
        Dad:  "Why do you ask, Son?  Have the other bears been teasing you?
        "No.  It's just that my bloody arse is freezing!"
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memnoch

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #69 on: June 16, 2007, 04:43:05 AM »
why did the bakers hands smell?

He kneaded a poo?

better said that written.

Offline rewh2oman

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #70 on: July 26, 2007, 09:02:35 AM »
President Bush flew over Iraq in Air Force One, saw the devastation and said
  "Don't worry about this, we'll get whoever did this."


Q: What were George W. Bush's three hardest years?
A: Second grade

Offline Simon

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #71 on: July 26, 2007, 03:04:28 PM »
There's a guy named Wan and he's really popular in his small new England town and everyone likes him. People also go up to him and say "hey Wan I like you".

So one day Wan's best friend Joe says "You're really popular you should run for mayor. I mean look at you, your clean and you've got good habits." Wan agrees. "But you're going to need a hook." So they think, and they think and eventually they think "What do people in the town in new England like? Sheep!"

So Wan runs for Mayor. campaign Slogan: I don't smoke, I don't drink, and I'm going to put a healthy sheep in everybody front lawn.

So everyone in this small New England town votes for him. It's unanimous! And Wan makes Joe his deputy Mayor after a few years of being mayor his fame spreads; people from all over New England come to see the healthy sheep.

Anyway Joe says to Wan "you should run for governor" and his campaign slogan is "I don't smoke I don't drink and I'm going to put a healthy sheep in everybody's front yard" so he's elected again unanimously. Soon after being elected the pressure starts to build and he starts drinking just on occasion, but people don't really care, all they care about is the sheep
so Joe says "you should run for The President of the United sates of America," so Wan runs: I don't smoke, and I'm going to put a healthy sheep in everybody's front yard and because Americans love sheep they all vote for Wan
except five. Five Americans vote for somebody else 'cause of the drinking thing.

But as soon as he's elected the pressure gets to him and he starts smoking. The very night of the victory party, in fact,
but the people don't care they have their sheep and a politician who keeps half his promises is refreshing. As his term progresses so he runs his term, and his smoking and drinking get worse and he starts doing Meth and occasionally Heroin
so he runs for his second term: "Well, the thing about me, all you stupid budalafuders care about is the... you bastards...Sheep!!!!!!" cause he's so drunk, and messed up and stuff. But the people apparently don't care, they're hooked on sheep so he's elected only loosing 3 votes. But as soon as he's elected he starts gambling and he's spending so much money on booze, smokes, and Gambling and meth, and herioin, and Chinease finger traps, and fatty foods, and not exercising as much as he really should be, and collectibles. He runs out of money and can't buy the sheep so his best friend Joe (who was Vise president and had been Lieutenant Governor and deputy mayor and his best friend) decides that Wan needs to be killed. So he hires an assassin and the assasin waits in Wan's house behind Wan's door and waits for him to come in and Wan comes in with a bottle of rum in one hand and an a syringe in both arms. So the Assasin, (named Harriatio) pops up and shoots him with a golfing gun.
"What's a golfing gun?" you ask... You're meant to ask.

I don't know what a golfing gun is but it sure put a hole in Wan

Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #72 on: July 26, 2007, 03:49:14 PM »
A teenage boy staying with his Gran comes downstairs looking worried and says, "Gran?  Have you seen my pills.  They're in a little bottle which I labelled LSD just for a laugh."

And Gran replies...

"To hell with your pills, have you seen the dragons in the bloody kitchen?
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Offline McWawa

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #73 on: July 26, 2007, 03:50:35 PM »
Knock, Knock !

Who's there ?

I'm a pile-up !

I'm a pile-up who ?



Well it is the crap joke thread
bryan
"Do you not know, my son, with how little wisdom the world is governed?",
Axel Oxenstierna

Offline Simon

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #74 on: July 26, 2007, 05:00:55 PM »
A: Knock Knock

B: Who's there?

A: Fire

B: Fire Who?... Fire who? (burns to death)