Author Topic: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content  (Read 439900 times)

Offline Gayle

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11643
  • "The Story Book" (1877) by William Bourguereau
    • View Profile
Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2235 on: February 23, 2012, 08:38:04 PM »
 :D :D :D
*** Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
This one never fails for me at the gym and the swimming pool.
"I was born of writing. Before that, there was only a play of mirrors." - Jean Paul Sartre

Offline Mastafrank

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10594
    • View Profile
Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2236 on: February 23, 2012, 09:27:14 PM »
Poor derp :-\








RAGECOMICS.COM

Offline fire-fly

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 97787
  • Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi
    • View Profile
Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2237 on: February 24, 2012, 10:32:08 PM »

 
A Drover walks into a bar
with a pet crocodile by his
side.

He puts the crocodile
up on the bar. 
He turns to the astonished
patrons and says....
         
"I'll make you a deal.
 I'll open this crocodile's
mouth and place my
 manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute".

"Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit
unscathed.

In return for witnessing
this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a
drink".

The crowd murmured their
approval.
The man stood up
on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials
and related parts in the
crocodile's open mouth.
 
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.

After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really,really hard
 on the top of its head. 

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his
genitals unscathed as
promised.


The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again
and made another offer.....
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while,
 a hand went up in the
 back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up.......... 
"I'll try it - Just don't
hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!" 

I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D


Offline Michael Edits

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1295
    • View Profile
    • Michael Edits
Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2238 on: February 24, 2012, 10:43:13 PM »
What's her address?
Great writing is like a window pane. Let Michael Edits be your Windex.
Business Editing Services since 2006.
Technical Editing Services since 1991.

Offline fire-fly

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 97787
  • Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi
    • View Profile
Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2239 on: February 26, 2012, 07:40:41 PM »
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors"
who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
  

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

 

 
  
THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:
  
  
"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'
  
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things
I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine.
It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."
  
Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

  
I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D


Offline Mastafrank

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10594
    • View Profile
Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2240 on: February 26, 2012, 08:05:48 PM »
 ;D

Indeed

Offline Gyppo

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72189
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
    • View Profile
Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2241 on: February 27, 2012, 07:24:47 AM »
Murphy's Law states 'If the Irishman is bigger than you, and holding a pickaxe, then he's right'.
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Vienna

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7331
    • View Profile
Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2242 on: February 27, 2012, 08:55:58 AM »

teach tha'sen yorkshire

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"


________


A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin".
___________________________________________
Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi us."

________________________


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

_________________________




Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

Offline Gyppo

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72189
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
    • View Profile
Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2243 on: February 27, 2012, 12:10:09 PM »
The '18 carat' and 'a tom' are old favourites in this household, with Mum being a Yorkie.

=====

A Yorkshire lass (YL) is trying to strike up a conversation with a rather snooty party (SP) in a railway carriage.

YL:  "Where's tha from?"

SP:  "Somewhere we know better than to end a sentence with a proposition."

YL:  Awreet then.  Where's tha from, Bitch."

=====

Yorkshire kid on bus trip:  "Hey Ma, look at that  pretty waterfall."

Mum:  "Weir, Dear.

Kid:  "Ovver theer."

=====



 
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Vienna

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7331
    • View Profile
Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2244 on: February 27, 2012, 01:11:14 PM »
one I love:

 a man walking up the street in the dales with a sheep under is arm. a man walking towards him asks " is tha' shearing?"

man with sheep says " no lad ahs keepin it for mesen"
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

Offline fire-fly

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 97787
  • Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi
    • View Profile
Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2245 on: February 27, 2012, 01:27:36 PM »
A man went to  Harley Street,  London,  and saw a card advertising for a

Gynaecologist's Assistant.


Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read :

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the Gynaecologist. You
have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and
carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and
gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so
they're ready for the Gynaecologist's examination.

The annual salary is 65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to
go to  Manchester "

"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

       

I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D


Offline WordBird

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7129
    • View Profile
Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2246 on: February 27, 2012, 04:57:32 PM »
So, FF, you just reminded me of a peculiar observation.

I was driving home from work a few weeks ago. The back of the truck had two names, something like Jack's Yukon on one side of the bumper and Joan's Yukon on the other. I took notice because most vehicles only have the model name on one side of the bumper.

When I drove up past the vehicle, there was a big sign on the side of the driver's side door. Jack So-N-So Gynaecologist. No phone number, or anything else.

I wonder more than anything what the purpose of that advertisement was. I mean, you'd think he'd at least have a telephone number to call in the event I happened to be in the market for a gynaecologist at the moment.

But, perhaps even more intriguing to me is the forever wondering of what was on the passenger side of the vehicle.  :-\

heidi52

  • Guest
Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2247 on: February 27, 2012, 06:26:45 PM »
The doorbell rings at the brothel and since the girls are all busy the madam goes to answer it. But when she opens the door she doesn't see anyone standing there so quickly shuts it. The bell rings again, this time more insistent, but when she opens the door there is still no one standing there. 

She's about to close the door again when she hears "I'm down here" and sees a man on the step who has no arms or legs.

"What do you want?" she asks him.

"I want a woman, why else would I be here?" came the terse reply.

"A Woman? You have no arms or legs, what would you do with a woman?" asks the madam.

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Offline Mastafrank

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10594
    • View Profile
Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2248 on: February 27, 2012, 08:48:24 PM »
Every students Nightmare-I made this last night ;D



Offline Gyppo

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72189
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
    • View Profile
Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2249 on: February 28, 2012, 05:06:14 AM »
During a recent password audit by Google, it was found that someone was using the following password: 'MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento'. When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said...

"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital."
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1