Author Topic: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content  (Read 431452 times)

Offline Vienna

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2205 on: February 12, 2012, 03:22:10 PM »
Some very sad news from the music world today
 Jedward are still alive



_____________________________________


For Sale, Valentines card and personalised Teddy Bear,
 
Suit person who's partner's callled Whitney,
 
Contact B. Brown


____________________________________


Apparently there's been an increase in dwarves enquiring about refereeing courses.
 
No surprise really.
 
It's a great opportunity to whistle while they work.
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

Offline 510bhan

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2206 on: February 13, 2012, 07:48:33 PM »
A teacher had twenty-six students in her class.  She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.  It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.  Their insight may surprise you.  While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

 
1. Don't change horses: until they stop running.
 
2. Strike while the: bug is close.
 
3. It's always darkest before: Daylight Saving Time.
 
4. Never underestimate the power of: termites.
 
5. You can lead a horse to water but: how?
 
6. Don't bite the hand that: looks dirty.
 
7. No news is: impossible.
 
8. A miss is as good as a: Mr.
 
9. You can't teach an old dog new: math.
 
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll: stink in the morning.
 
11. Love all, trust: me.
 
12. The pen is mightier than the: pigs.
 
13. An idle mind is: the best way to relax.
 
14. Where there's smoke there's: pollution.
 
15. Happy the bride who: gets all the presents.
 
16. A penny saved is: not much.
 
17. Two's company, three's: the Musketeers.
 
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what: you put on to go to bed.
 
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and: you have to blow your nose.
 
20. There are none so blind as: Stevie Wonder.
 
21. Children should be seen and not: spanked or grounded.
 
22. If at first you don't succeed: get new batteries.
 
23. You get out of something only what you: see in the picture on the box.
 
24. When the blind lead the blind: get out of the way.
 
25. A bird in the hand: is going to poop on you.
 
And the WINNER and last one!
 
26. Better late than: pregnant.
 

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Offline Vienna

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2207 on: February 16, 2012, 11:15:43 AM »
what's 6 inches long and didn't get sucked on Valentines Day?


Whitney Houston's Crack Pipe
Just a well-read punk peasant

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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2208 on: February 16, 2012, 02:25:18 PM »
That was my first actual LOL in a long long time.
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Offline heidi52

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2209 on: February 16, 2012, 07:12:58 PM »
Iphone, Ipad, Iron? What not to get your wife...

http://ladyridesalot.blogspot.com/2012/01/friday-funny-it-all-began-with-iphone.html
Trust life to unfold as it should, and appreciate the gift of each day.

Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2210 on: February 16, 2012, 08:12:07 PM »
Whitney Houston walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve spirits here."




(Vienna, I finally found the balls to tweet your joke and nobody unfollowed me. What is the world coming to?)
Great writing is like a window pane. Let Michael Edits be your Windex.
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Offline Vienna

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2211 on: February 17, 2012, 01:56:02 AM »
 ;D ;D ;D

It's a miracle I haven't had a warning or even been banned for it eh?
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2212 on: February 17, 2012, 04:05:17 AM »
Did you want to be?

Karma isn't always instant ;-)

=====

Vienna arrives at the Pearly Gates in the fullness of time.

St Peter:  "Ey up, you're that Northern joker who made the joke about Whitney's crack pipe."

Vienna:   "Aye, I did that.  Is there a problem, Lad?"

St Peter: "Well, as a Northerner misen I found it quite droll.  But The Boss is a hardcore Whitney fan and wasn't too impressed, if tha knows what I mean.  But he did let in the first Cornishman who made a joke about the Penlee Lifeboat Disaster, so you might be alreet."

=====
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Offline Vienna

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2213 on: February 17, 2012, 04:16:50 AM »
 ;D ;D ;D

eeee lad tha's a bad un an'all
Just a well-read punk peasant

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Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2214 on: February 17, 2012, 05:07:00 AM »
I like a good St Peter joke.  To me he's always come over as the human face of the celestial machine.  A saint who's prepared to bend the rules from time to time, or wind up the overly pious who feel they have an automatic right to entry.

=====

St Peter is arguing the toss with a famous American Evangelist, a true fire and brimstone type.  Its a quiet day and he's a bit bored so he's making the yank suffer for a while.

Suddenly there's an awful racket and a rather battered chopper with open exhausts comes hurtling towards them.  Peter flicks open the gates and waves in the rider, dressed in filthy denims and cursing wildly, before pulling the gate closed again.

The evangelist is furious

"I've been doing the Good Lord's work for seventy years. man and boy, and yoiu make me wait for admission.  But you let that bloody animal straight in."

"Look, Sunbeam.    In a mere twenty-two years that young man has put the fear of God into more people than you ever did."

Gyppo
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

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Offline Vienna

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2215 on: February 17, 2012, 05:18:23 AM »
Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but
you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven.
Can you prove you're Albert Einstein?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks,
"Can I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly
appear. Einstein proceeds to describe, in arcane mathematics and
symbols, his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says.
"Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for
credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural
with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "You are definitely the great artist you claim to
be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.

Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both
managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Dubya looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

Offline Vienna

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2216 on: February 17, 2012, 05:57:25 AM »
then there is the man that started calling his dick Whitney..............because it gets stiff in the bathtub too................ ;D
Just a well-read punk peasant

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Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2217 on: February 17, 2012, 06:04:20 AM »
George Bush is facing a dilemma.  He's had an invitation to go the theatre, to see and be seen with the various shakers and movers of the day, but he'd rather play golf and have a few beers with his buddies instead.

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears and asks what's troubling him.  George explains.  Abraham smiles and says "Go to the theatre George, go to the theatre."
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Offline Gayle

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2218 on: February 17, 2012, 11:46:19 AM »
 ;D ;D ;D
Just give Dubya a bag a pretzels with his beer, and that should do the trick.
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Offline fire-fly

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread - Possible Adult Language
« Reply #2219 on: February 18, 2012, 04:27:51 AM »
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe, 
near Transylvania. They  drive in a rental car along a rather
deserted highway. It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see
the road in front of the car.   Suddenly, the car skids
out of control. Bob attempts to control it,
but to no avail.    The car swerves and smashes into a tree..

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.    Dazed, he looks
over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her
head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside,
Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. He carefully picks her
up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while,
he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming
from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A small, hunched man opens the door.
Bob blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty.
We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been
Seriously hurt.   Can I please use your phone?"
 

"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.
My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him."
Bob brings his wife in.
 
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may
have misled you. I am not a medical doctor;   I am a scientist. 
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have
had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do.
Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
 
 With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs,
with Bob following closely.   Igor places Betty on a table in
the lab.  Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries,
so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.
Bob and Betty Hill are no more. 

The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly.
Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory,
which houses his grand piano. It is here that he
has always found solace and he begins to play.
A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up.
His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers
on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting
piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins
to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as
Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs
to the conservatory.   He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master!
The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D