Author Topic: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content  (Read 513097 times)

Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #90 on: October 17, 2007, 05:10:25 AM »

When the polar bear comes to take a pea,

kick him in the ice-hole. ;D

As told by my 8 year old son who heard it from his Uncle Joe. :o
Thanks Joe.

That's what Uncles are for ;-)

Gyppo
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Offline matsamu

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #91 on: October 17, 2007, 05:06:05 PM »
Yea!!! I'm a new uncle! as of april, but still...anyway...


Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

Cuz she couldn't control her pupils

OR

She accidentally dotted her t's
*pop* That was my head. It just got blown.

Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #92 on: October 17, 2007, 07:40:12 PM »
Yea!!! I'm a new uncle! as of april, but still...anyway...


If you ever reach the heady status of 'Great Uncle' you're allowed - no, expected - to be even more outrageous.  provided of course you've already achieved the status of  'my Crazy Uncle'.  Some uncles - sadly - don't even try and live up to expectations.  But seeing as you're a 'performer' anyway you're almost guaranteed to be a good uncle ;-)

Gyppo
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Offline matsamu

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #93 on: October 17, 2007, 09:24:15 PM »
I am planning on being the "crazy uncle." I know for sure that my brother isn't gonna do it. he's a little more....reserved? laid back?...boring...nah...i "wouldn't" say that, but hey...he's good for some stuff...like he's a chef! Oh dear god...this is wierd...a narrarator just popped up in my computer and started to speak random words into my speakers...odd...

Anyway: Crap joke time!

Why can't a girl go to her brother for help?

Because he can't be a brother and ASSIST-HER at the same time. (read aloud and you'll get it.)
*pop* That was my head. It just got blown.

Offline DGSquared

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #94 on: November 27, 2007, 02:40:38 AM »
I was looking for this thread.  Here's one that fits perfectly. This one from my hilarious mother. :-* Love ya Mom.



Three Women in a Hot Tub

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
 
One young woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly.
 
"That was my pager," She said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

*

A few minutes later, a phone rang.
 
The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That
was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

*

The older woman felt very low - tech.  Not to be outdone she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
 
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.


The older woman finally said,........."Well, will you look at that.... I'm getting a fax!!"

 


"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

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Offline Smurf

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #95 on: November 27, 2007, 05:39:20 AM »
As a contribution to the pirate sub-topic:

Q: What did the octagenarian pirate say?

A: Aye matey!

(Try saying it with a piratical accent...it doesn't get better, but it does make sense...honest)


And my other favourite:

Q: Why are there no painkillers in the jungle?

A 'Cos the parrots 'et 'em ol

Well, everyone else was telling worse ones...
"My ancestors would spit on me if I broke bread with a Crow."
"So would mine. But f**k 'em, they're dead."
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Offline rewh2oman

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #96 on: February 20, 2008, 04:40:07 PM »
Why don't skeletons fight each other?

Because they don't have the guts.  ;D

(I had to share. my little girl told me that one)

Offline CollegeGuy

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #97 on: February 20, 2008, 06:55:00 PM »
Here is my favorite joke of all time. It's so bad, you'll want to tell it to everyone. I've told versions that are about a half hour long, because that's part of it (you'll see why) but I'll give you the cut down version...so when you tell it, be very enthuastic!

John was a very regular man. He worked in an office building in a regular cubical and lived in a regular apartment in a regular city with regular people. He was lonely, but one day his dreams came true.

On a bullitin board at work, there were tickets to a circus that was coming to town. John instantly grew excited and noticed that the circus wouldn't be in town until three months from now, at the last day in July.

May passed by so slow, and he couldn't wait to go.
June was even worse, as the anticipation grew.
July seemed like it was standing still, but the day finally came.

He wore his favorite clothes, took an extra long shower, and rented the nicest car. Today was John's day. He sat in the front row and was smiling before it even started. He saw the elephants that looked larger than anything he'd ever seen. He saw lions growl and trapeeze artists fly high in the air. he saw flames and torches and jugglers and everything that could have made him happy. then the final act came out, and it was Bobo the clown. Bobo asked for a volunteer and John knew today was his day. he raised his hand higher than the rest and sure enough he was picked. The clown sat him in the middle of the ring and asked him a few questions.
"John, are you the horse's ears?"
John was perplexed..."...no?"
"Are you the horse's eyes?"
"...no?" still confused.
then the clown turned to him and shouted "THEN YOU MUST BE THE HORSE'S ASS!"
the crowd burst into laughter and John was left to go home deeply embarassed and saddened. He knew he had to get that damn Bobo back.

August and September passed, and John had no idea what he was going to do.
October brought little to the plan of payback.
November and December were oh so very fruitless.
January made progress. He started to think of a good plan.
February and March were the best months yet, the plan was almost perfect.
April was a time to fine-tune the plan. he had it down pretty well by now.
In May he got the same tickets and began to wait. The Plan was set and he went over it thousands of times every day.
June and July were so slow, but it was enough time for him to make the plan even better. Bobo was going to pay for ruining John's best day.

Finally the circus came. John wore the same clothes, took the same car, and sat in the same seat. This time his expression was bland. . He saw the elephants, but they looked the same. He saw lions growl and trapeeze artists fly high in the air, but it wasn't so impressive anymore. he saw flames and torches and jugglers and everything that could have made him happy last year, but it didn't bring about any emotion this time. then the final act came out, and it was Bobo the clown again. The plan was about to be hatched. Bobo once again needed a volunteer and John knew he was going to be picked. Sure enough he was. Bobo sat him in the same seat and asked him the same questions.

"John, are you the horse's ears?"
John was calm "no, I'm certainly not the horse's ears"
"Are you the horse's eyes?"
"Absolutely not. I am NOT the horse's eyes"
then the clown turned to him and began to shout "THEN YOU MUST BE--"
John lept to his feet and yelled back "FUCK YOU CLOWN!"

The plan was perfect, he got Bobo back.




So tell this joke, because it's so funny to tell and observe people's reactions to :D

~~Collegeguy~~
This Type of Thinking Could Do Us In...

shellie_baby

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #98 on: February 21, 2008, 06:39:13 PM »
here's a joke,

3 men are stranded on a island and before they know it they have been captured by cannibals.

The cannibals are about to kill the men when one reasons, "well if we're going to die we may as well have a last request."
The cannibal's leader reluctantly agrees.

The first man is picked out,
"my final request is a good meal." he says and indeed they give him food. Then they kill him, eat his insides and turn the rest of him into a canoe.

The second man is picked out,
"my final request is alcohol." he asks and indeed they give him a great amount of alcohol, before killing him, eating his insides and turning the rest of him into a canoe.

The final man is brought forward,
"My final request is a fork," he says the cannibals are confused but indeed they fetch him a fork.
To which the man begins to manically stab himself with the fork yelling,

"YOU'RE NOT TURNING ME INTO A BLOODY CANOE!!"

-sorry but I find it quite funny.   

Offline DC

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #99 on: February 21, 2008, 08:25:38 PM »
I might have asked this before; but what's Red and invisible?



























No Tomatoes...

Right, where's me coat..?
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - open throttle in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : "Woo Hoo, what
a ride!"

Offline DC

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #100 on: February 21, 2008, 08:33:11 PM »
Did you know the Biologists have proved that Diarrhoea is hereditary?















...it runs in your Jeans....

Still not found my coat...
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - open throttle in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : "Woo Hoo, what
a ride!"

Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #101 on: February 21, 2008, 08:36:02 PM »
No tomatoes ;-)

Reminds me of a picture I took a while back.

If you don't want any plates, here's the place to go...  It's official ;-)
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

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Offline DGSquared

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #102 on: March 20, 2008, 06:24:09 PM »
Q What do you call two octopuses that look exactly alike?






A I-tentacle twins!



Just now, while looking over my shoulder, my eight year old asked, "What is the Crap Joke Thread?'

My thirteen year old glanced over and said, "It's for jokes about poop."

See, the joke here is that the " literal theme" never occurred to me. ::)

That, my friends, is what I call blonde to the bone.  :P ;D

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A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

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Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #103 on: March 20, 2008, 07:11:08 PM »
Not a joke as such, but rather appropriate...

My daughter and I discovered a rather nice little coffee shop the other day.  The food, drink, and service was excellent.  Afterwards I went into what they coyly labelled 'The Little Room.  Once again it was clean and tidy, and with a pile of proper fluffy white towels to dry your hands instead of scabby disposable paper things in a dispenser.

The walls were covered with light grey tiles - almost white - some of which bore the names of the various coffees they served, written in a fancy script.  Some of the tiles also had a raised pattern of little ceramic coffee beans.  The ones with individual beans looked like coffee beans, but the one with a pile of beans, situated right next to the toilet, looked for all the world as if someone had flung a handful of crap against the tiles.  I guess the location helped trigger the visceral response ;-)

Gyppo
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline DGSquared

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #104 on: March 20, 2008, 07:18:19 PM »
Gives new meaning to grinding the beans, doesn't it?


I'm sorry. That was crude. I don't know what's gotten into me today.  :o
« Last Edit: March 20, 2008, 07:41:52 PM by DGSquared »
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb