Author Topic: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content  (Read 518513 times)

Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #75 on: July 26, 2007, 06:37:08 PM »
Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

"DEATH!"

"DEATH wh..."
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Offline McWawa

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #76 on: July 27, 2007, 02:21:57 PM »
Mother Superior Mary Baloney and the young novice Sister Teresa of the Holy Order of the Perpetual Virginity where driving long distance across the desert. The Mother Superior had been driving all day, so as to not break up the journey she asked young novice Sister Teresa to  get behind the wheel for a while.Then the Mother Superior could take a much needed nap as they continue on their way across the lonely desert.
  The young novice was driving now well into the night with  Mother Superior fast in sleep besides her when suddenly ...WAM  !! BAM !! right there ahead  of them, on the front of the car, appeared the devil himself  all slimey and drooling on the front window glass.  The young novice slammed the brakes on, the car screeching to a halt, and she shouted anxiously to The Mother Superior , who was now fully awake:
"Mother Superior , Mother Superior ! what should  I do ?"
"Quickly ! quickly !  show him your cross, show him your cross".
So the young lass wound down the car window, stuck her head out and shouted , "Get off our car you smelly ass revolting little shit... you horrible you....you .... get the hell outta here ....aaarrrgh !
« Last Edit: July 27, 2007, 02:30:15 PM by YelnickMcWawa »
"Do you not know, my son, with how little wisdom the world is governed?",
Axel Oxenstierna

Offline McWawa

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #77 on: August 04, 2007, 04:27:40 PM »
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it's to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
 Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this kid's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and I'll get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
 Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb $hit, it's Tony Blair!"
"Do you not know, my son, with how little wisdom the world is governed?",
Axel Oxenstierna

Offline matsamu

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #78 on: August 06, 2007, 04:30:02 PM »
Ok....
1.What's the difference between an Oral thermometer, and a rectal thermometer?

hehe...the taste...


2. What's the difference between a brown nose and a brown face?

Depth Perception

Yeah, it's the crap joke thread
*pop* That was my head. It just got blown.

Offline todhunter

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #79 on: August 06, 2007, 05:27:38 PM »
In England back in the old days there used to be small containers on the bar that held snuff, for free, which the customers could take with their drinks.
One day the landlord said to old Jack, who always sat in the same corner with his pint. "Jack, I've run out of snuff, pop down to the tobacconist and get me £2 worth and I'll give you a free pint." Old Jack duly obliged and went along the street to the tobacconist shop.
It was a scorching hot day and on his way there Jack noticed a piece of dogshit in the road which had dried hard in the sun, he put some in his pocket and continued on his way.
At the tobacco shop he bought just £1 worth of snuff, then on the way back to the pub he mixed in an equal amount of dogshit into the snuff so it looked like £2 worth.
When he got back he gave it to the landlord. Jack sat back in his chair with his free pint and a £1 in his pocket as pleased as punch.  The landlord then distributed the snuff into the containers for his customers as usual.
The first customer comes in, orders a pint of bitter and takes a pinch of snuff. "Bloody hell, there's a smell of shit in this bar" he says. "Oi, I'll have none of that, this bar is spotless, me and the wife clean this place from the crack of dawn" says the landlord.  Second customer then comes in and orders his pint and he too takes some snuff. "Bloody hell, there's a smell of shit in this bar" he shouts. The landlord is getting pretty annoyed by now and tells them all to lift up their shoes, "One of you lot must have stood in some", he says. Everyone checks their shoes but they are all clean. Then a third customer comes in and the landlord says, "You, before you do anything, can you smell shit in this bar?" The customer has a good sniff around and says, "No, can't smell a thing" (to the landlords relief).  He then orders his pint and takes a pinch of snuff. "Bloody hell landlord, that's good snuff" he says, "I can smell the shit now."
« Last Edit: August 06, 2007, 05:31:03 PM by todhunter »
AJM

Offline McWawa

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #80 on: August 06, 2007, 06:03:25 PM »
What do you call a man wearing a raincoat?
Mac!
What do you call a man with a large raincoat?
Big Mac!
What do you call a man with two raincoats in a cemetery?
Max Bygraves!

And after all that what do you call a woman standing between 2 goal posts?
Annette!


 ::)
"Do you not know, my son, with how little wisdom the world is governed?",
Axel Oxenstierna

Offline rewh2oman

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #81 on: August 06, 2007, 06:44:47 PM »
Q: What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
A: Dam!

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two idiots were trying to light a fire. The first one couldn't get the match to light, and the second one said, "That's strange, it lit this morning."

Offline todhunter

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #82 on: August 07, 2007, 04:57:31 AM »
A man who is sick and tired of his wife constantly nagging him wants her killed. He goes to see Archie, the village idiot. "Archie, I'll pay you to kill my wife, how much do you want?"  Archie thinks for a minute and says £1 will do. The man happily gives Archie £1 and tells him his wife works at the fruit and veg shop in the village, and will be there tomorrow. The next day the village idiot goes to the fruit and veg shop looking for the wife, but when he arrives there are four women in the shop and Archie doesn't know which one is the wife, so he decides to strangle all four of them.
The headline next day in the local paper reads....

"Veg shop scandal, Archie chokes four for a pound".
AJM

Offline Conanthedoylarian

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #83 on: August 07, 2007, 10:40:39 AM »
The boss scans the office and sees that old faithful, Bob, is missing.

"Anyone know where Bob is?"

"No boss, he hasn't come in today."

Boss goes back into his private office and phones Bob's home.  A very quiet, little girl's voice answers.

"Is your dad there please?"

"Yes," is the almost silent reply.

"Can I speak to him?"

"No."

"Well, can I speak to your mum please?"

"No. She's with the policemen."

Worried now, and wondering what Bob's got into, the boss continues.

"What are the policemen there for?"

"They came in a helicopter."

Really worried now he asks

"What are they doing?"

"Searching."

Getting a bit impatient he raises his voice.

"What are they searching for?"

"Quiet.  Me."

Offline todhunter

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #84 on: August 08, 2007, 05:59:55 AM »
No P.C. here.

A guy with a huge hump like Quasimodo is on his way to the pub one night to meet his friends. He is a bit behind time so decides to take a shortcut through the graveyard.

As he makes his way along the creepy path the Devil jumps up from behind a gravestone and roars, "What are you doing in my graveyard?" The guy, shaking with fear, stutters,|I, I, was just taking a shortcut to the pub." 

"Is that a hump you've got?" Shouts the Devil.  "y,yes",  he says nervously.  With that, the Devil swipes the hump clean off his back. The guy hurries on to the pub, walking straight for the first time in his life and tells his friends of the great news.

Another man with a club foot is listening close by.  He thinks for a minute then leaves the pub and makes his way to the graveyard.

On his way along the creepy path the devil jumps from behind a gravestone and shouts, "What are you doing in my graveyard?"
The man answers right away, "I was just taking a shortcut to the pub."

"Is that a club foot you've got?" The devil shouts. "Yes", says the man.
The Devil slaps his back and says, "Here, here's a hump as well."
AJM

Offline thatollie

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #85 on: September 16, 2007, 06:17:58 PM »
As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.

Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says

"Hi, my name is Tony and I'm driving a f**king gritter!"
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline rewh2oman

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #86 on: September 19, 2007, 10:52:32 AM »
In honor of "International Talk Like a Pirate Day"
which is today  ;D

Q: why didnt the pirate go to the movies?
A: because it was rated aarrrrrrrrrahhhhh.

Q: What kind of socks do Pirates wear??
A: Arrrrgyle

Q: What did the pirate say to the snowman in the forest?
A: Shiver me timbers
« Last Edit: September 19, 2007, 11:01:29 AM by rewh2oman »

Offline DGSquared

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #87 on: October 14, 2007, 07:42:55 PM »
Cheesy crap you say? Here are some oldies but moldies from the books unpublished department that seem to fit in here.

Antlers in the Tree Tops by WhoGoosed D'Moose

Behind the Bleachers
by Seemore Butts

Yellow River
by I.P. Freely

Trip to the Bathroom by Willie Makeit
Illustrated by Betty Wont



"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

Offline matsamu

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #88 on: October 16, 2007, 10:13:19 PM »
In honor of "International Talk Like a Pirate Day"
which is today  ;D

Q: why didnt the pirate go to the movies?
A: because it was rated aarrrrrrrrrahhhhh.

Q: What kind of socks do Pirates wear??
A: Arrrrgyle

Q: What did the pirate say to the snowman in the forest?
A: Shiver me timbers



You're missing one...

Why didn't the Pirate go Miniture golfing?

Because he was having too much fun in the Arrrcade
*pop* That was my head. It just got blown.

Offline DGSquared

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #89 on: October 17, 2007, 12:07:33 AM »
Read this one out loud.



How To Catch a Polar Bear


Cut a hole in the ice.

Get some peas and sprinkle them around the edge of the of the hole.

When the polar bear comes to take a pea,

kick him in the ice-hole. ;D




As told by my 8 year old son who heard it from his Uncle Joe. :o
Thanks Joe.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb