Author Topic: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content  (Read 439664 times)

Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3675 on: January 28, 2018, 08:03:30 AM »
Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo)?

Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo, I.C.U."
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3676 on: January 28, 2018, 08:04:00 AM »
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3677 on: January 28, 2018, 09:48:05 AM »
  A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
  The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne too!'
  'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating.'
  'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.
  'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
  'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
  'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
  'That's great!' said the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
  'I used a different cock,' he replied.
  The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'What a coincidence!'
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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3678 on: March 03, 2018, 09:56:29 AM »
The local bar in Cardiff was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £100 bet.  The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a customer. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, shipyard workers etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.  But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £100 and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"
The man replied,  “Inland Revenue”.
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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3679 on: March 03, 2018, 11:17:02 AM »
President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
 
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
 
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
 
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, duck!”
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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3680 on: March 16, 2018, 03:57:27 PM »
What did the sock puppet say to the sock? Looks like you could use a hand.
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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3681 on: March 16, 2018, 03:58:20 PM »
When there’s an earthquake, geologists are quick to find fault.
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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3682 on: March 17, 2018, 03:12:55 PM »
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish Who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3683 on: March 18, 2018, 09:32:23 AM »
Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both  problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was $10,000.
 
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.  Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.
 
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Superstore.  There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.  As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.

Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. 

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. 

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared, "Artie Chokes 2 for $1.00 @ Superstore"
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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3684 on: March 18, 2018, 11:32:22 AM »
The first time I went fishing, I was hooked.
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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3685 on: March 18, 2018, 07:42:24 PM »
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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3686 on: March 31, 2018, 08:27:15 AM »
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she'd stood him up.
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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3687 on: April 08, 2018, 09:24:12 AM »
I came home from the golf course today.
The wife had left a note on the refrigerator.
"IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...
What the hell is she talking about?
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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3688 on: April 16, 2018, 08:44:49 AM »
If someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is, just look around the room and say, "I haven't decided yet."
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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3689 on: April 21, 2018, 10:58:17 AM »
An Irish World War II Spitfire pilot and flying ace was speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. One day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared."

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle. "I looked up, and realized that two of the Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was right on my tail."

At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling, and the boys were laughing loudly.

The pastor finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that Fokker was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war."

"Yes, that's true," says the old pilot, "but these Fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."

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