Author Topic: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content  (Read 461097 times)

Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3660 on: December 25, 2017, 12:47:51 PM »
Four stages in a man's life.
1. You believe in Santa.
2. You don't believe in Santa.
3. You are Santa.
4. You look like Santa.
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Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3661 on: December 25, 2017, 03:33:22 PM »
I must be at number 4.

It goes something like this.  Two main scenarios.

=====

a)  Young drunks come up to me and ask what I'm bringing them for Christmas.
b)  I smile and tell them they're cheeky little sods and don't deserve anything.
c)  i) They either grin and go merrily on their way,  or ii), they get stroppy.
d)  I turn off the smile and just look at them.
e)  They go on their way.
f)   I ignore parting comments about me being a miserable old git, or a bloody nutter.

=====

A child under about eight years of age comes up and asks if I'm Santa.  "Yes, but don't tell everyone.  I'm just doing a bit of last minute shopping for Mrs Claus, which is why I'm not wearing the red suit.  Our secret, yes?"

They scurry off with a big grin, usually back to their mum to tell her they've seen Santa in disguise.  I get a big smile from the Mum.



 
« Last Edit: December 25, 2017, 03:35:30 PM by Gyppo »
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3662 on: December 30, 2017, 08:20:57 AM »
Four stages in a man's life.
1. You believe in Santa.
2. You don't believe in Santa.
3. You are Santa.
4. You look like Santa.

Christmas has come and gone but I still look like Santa.
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3663 on: December 30, 2017, 08:21:15 AM »
Rey: "It's not too late Kylo, come with me."

Kylo: "Sorry Rey, but I've always Ben Solo."
« Last Edit: December 30, 2017, 01:00:44 PM by Michael Edits »
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3664 on: December 30, 2017, 09:11:38 PM »
Q: Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?
A: Because he wanted to get a long little doggie.
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3665 on: December 31, 2017, 08:13:02 AM »
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, heís my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honors from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal for boxing in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off."
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3666 on: December 31, 2017, 08:50:10 PM »
Q: Why canít a pony sing?
A: Because itís a little horse.
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3667 on: January 02, 2018, 10:08:16 PM »
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3668 on: January 02, 2018, 10:09:25 PM »
I'm taking "crap" joke literally this evening  8)
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3669 on: January 21, 2018, 08:14:35 AM »
Doctor, how do I stop my husband from talking in his sleep?
Give him a chance to speak when he's awake.
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Offline DGSquared

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3670 on: January 21, 2018, 08:44:04 AM »
My husband bought me a mood ring for Christmas.
When I'm in a good mood it turns blue.
When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A childís life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3671 on: January 21, 2018, 10:08:08 AM »
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3672 on: January 21, 2018, 11:33:27 AM »
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3673 on: January 22, 2018, 06:43:06 PM »
My cousin has 2 tickets for the 2018 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 for each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at the Temple of God Church, in Torrance at 3pm. Her name is Karen, she is 5'1, about 140lbs, she's a good cook too...She'll be the one in the white dress.
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3674 on: January 28, 2018, 07:48:12 AM »
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
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