Author Topic: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content  (Read 439212 times)

Jo Bannister

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3645 on: December 04, 2017, 09:09:57 AM »
Above the waterline, of course...

graphophobia

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3646 on: December 04, 2017, 10:55:21 PM »
Heard today from a musician friend- What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
A savings bond will eventually mature and make money.

Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3647 on: December 05, 2017, 03:23:13 AM »
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A Drummer.

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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3648 on: December 09, 2017, 09:30:16 AM »
Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and undergoes weeks of training. The supervisor then takes him into the switch booth to test his readiness. The following exchange takes place:
 Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track. What would you do?"
Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track."
Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"
Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switchlever there, putting one train on the other track."
Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains."
Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone."
Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd go get my Uncle Joe."
Supervisor: "Uncle Joe? What would he do?"
Pete: "Nothing; but he ain't never seen a train wreck."
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3649 on: December 09, 2017, 09:32:33 AM »
    The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy his dream spread in Wyoming. 
    "So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit
    "We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy.  "Couldn't agree on anything.  We finally settled on the 'Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch.'"
    "Wow!" his friend was impressed.  "So where are all the cattle?"
    "None of 'em survived the branding."
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3650 on: December 10, 2017, 11:16:21 AM »
"Ralph made a fool of himself at the Christmas party. He spent all night flirting with a pinata."
"Hey, everybody else was hitting on her."
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3651 on: December 10, 2017, 11:17:49 AM »
If you post nothing but selfies, does that mean you don't have any friends to take your photo?
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3652 on: December 15, 2017, 12:22:28 PM »
What happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
You get tinselitis.
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3653 on: December 17, 2017, 09:17:46 AM »
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A salad shooter.
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3654 on: December 23, 2017, 08:45:35 AM »
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
 I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
 I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
 Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the f... I am now…
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Offline Michael Edits

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3655 on: December 23, 2017, 11:17:04 AM »
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cellphones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
 
  Below are 12 actual hilarious replies. I guess one could say these are succinct and honest.
   1. Who the hell is this?
   2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
   3 Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
   4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
   5. I don't understand what you mean?
   6. What the hell did you do now?
   7.  Are you sure this is for me?
   8.  Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
   9.  Am I dreaming?
  10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
  11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
  12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3656 on: December 23, 2017, 02:36:28 PM »
Prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to religion."
The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.
He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:
Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.
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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3657 on: December 23, 2017, 02:37:57 PM »
Golfer: I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
Caddie: Think you can keep your head down that long?
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Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3658 on: December 23, 2017, 03:51:32 PM »
Left click to read text.
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Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3659 on: December 24, 2017, 05:12:14 PM »
John Cassis is a well-known motivational speaker.  He told a story about a time when he was serving as a chaplain for the Chicago Bears during their glory years of the 80s.

As John tells it, Mike Ditka was about to deliver a locker room pep talk one day. He looked up and saw defensive tackle William "Refrigerator" Perry.  How could  he not see him? At 338 pounds the Fridge stood out even in a crowd of pro football players.

Ditka gestured to the Fridge. "When I get finished," he said, "I'd like you to  close with the Lord's Prayer." Then the coach began his talk.

Meanwhile, Jim McMahon, the brash and outspoken quarterback, punched John Cassis. "Look at Perry," McMahon whispered, "he doesn't know the Lord's Prayer."

Sure enough, Perry sat with a look of panic on his face, his head in his hands. He was sweating profusely. "Everybody knows the Lord's Prayer," said Cassis to McMahon in disbelief.

After a few minutes of watching the Refrigerator leaking several gallons of sweat, McMahon nudged Cassis again.  "I'll bet you 50 bucks Fridge doesn't know the Lord's Prayer."

As Cassis tells the story, he stops to reflect on the absurdity of it all:  "Here we were sitting in chapel and betting 50 bucks on the Lord's Prayer."

When Coach Ditka finished his pep talk, he asked all the men to remove their caps.  Then he nodded at Perry and bowed his head. It was quiet for a few moments before the Fridge spoke in a shaky voice, "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord, my soul to keep…"

Cassis felt the tap on his shoulder. It was Jim McMahon. "Here's the 50 dollars,” he whispered. "I had no idea Perry knew the Lord's Prayer."

True Story.
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