Author Topic: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content  (Read 463979 times)

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72211
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3630 on: October 15, 2017, 07:11:31 PM »
        "A Lesson in High Finance"

        A rumpled man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

        The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the man -- clearly an eccentric -- hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

        Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

        The man replies, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

=====

It's official: Rap music does cause crime. Research
shows that in over half the shootings that occur on the
street, the gunman is aiming at the boombox!

=====

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every
hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room
somewhere," he pleaded with a proprietor, "or just a bed, I
don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant --
an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be
glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he
snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have
complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to
you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him, "I'll take
it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-
eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the
manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy
snoring?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the
room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss
on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,'
and he sat up all night watching me."

=====

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in
his parish confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the
pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to
adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that
they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well
until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the
mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the roads and side-
walks in town. When people come into the confessional, they
keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told
the new priest about the code word. But, before he could
explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and
shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because
your wife has fallen six times this week already!"

===
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Mr. Barry

  • Guest
Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3631 on: October 21, 2017, 02:31:34 AM »
How do crazy people get through the forest?


They take the psyco path.   

Offline Michael Edits

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1325
    • Michael Edits
Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3632 on: November 17, 2017, 10:38:05 PM »
A woman's walking down the street and her blouse is open in the front so that one of her titties is hanging out. Well, a cop comes along and says, "Lady, did you know your titty is hanging out? I could arrest you for indecent exposure." And the lady says, "Damn, I must've left my baby on the bus."
Great writing is like a window pane. Let Michael Edits be your Windex.
Business Editing Services since 2006.
Technical Editing Services since 1991.

Offline Michael Edits

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1325
    • Michael Edits
Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3633 on: November 19, 2017, 05:36:00 PM »
A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy! What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the doctor. “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”
« Last Edit: November 20, 2017, 12:20:44 PM by Michael Edits »
Great writing is like a window pane. Let Michael Edits be your Windex.
Business Editing Services since 2006.
Technical Editing Services since 1991.

Offline Michael Edits

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1325
    • Michael Edits
Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3634 on: November 24, 2017, 05:49:07 AM »
I bought my friend an elephant for her living room.
She said, "Thanks."
I said, "Don't mention it."
Great writing is like a window pane. Let Michael Edits be your Windex.
Business Editing Services since 2006.
Technical Editing Services since 1991.

Offline Michael Edits

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1325
    • Michael Edits
Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3635 on: November 24, 2017, 08:34:11 AM »
Customer:        My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:    Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:        No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:    Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:        OK.
Tech support:    Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:        Yes.
Tech support:   That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
Great writing is like a window pane. Let Michael Edits be your Windex.
Business Editing Services since 2006.
Technical Editing Services since 1991.

Offline Michael Edits

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1325
    • Michael Edits
Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3636 on: November 25, 2017, 03:52:41 PM »
How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle
Great writing is like a window pane. Let Michael Edits be your Windex.
Business Editing Services since 2006.
Technical Editing Services since 1991.

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72211
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3637 on: November 25, 2017, 05:52:20 PM »
Ah, seasonal jokes.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?

Snowballs.

My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Michael Edits

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1325
    • Michael Edits
Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3638 on: November 28, 2017, 07:14:02 AM »
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
Great writing is like a window pane. Let Michael Edits be your Windex.
Business Editing Services since 2006.
Technical Editing Services since 1991.

Offline Michael Edits

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1325
    • Michael Edits
Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3639 on: December 02, 2017, 10:38:17 AM »
Two strangers, Jack and Bill, get paired up for a round of golf.
They get to the 5th and get held up by two of the worst women golfers they have ever seen.
"They are taking ages!" says Bill. "I think I'll go ask them if we can play through."
Bill gets 1/2 way up the fairway, turns around and walks back to Jack who asks what's wrong.
"One of them is my wife and the other is my mistress, if they both see me together I'm sunk!"
"No worries," says Jack. "I'll go ask them."
Jack gets 1/2 way up the green turns and comes back as well!
"It's a small world! Isn't it?" says Jack.
Great writing is like a window pane. Let Michael Edits be your Windex.
Business Editing Services since 2006.
Technical Editing Services since 1991.

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72211
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3640 on: December 03, 2017, 06:01:46 AM »

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.  The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

There was a moment of silence at the table, during which the little girl was heard to say to her brother, "You see, it is vanishing cream! They don't see us!"
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72211
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3641 on: December 03, 2017, 06:03:43 AM »
David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.

At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about lifting the car and  putting my paper under the front tire."
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72211
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3642 on: December 03, 2017, 06:05:05 AM »
A father from Eastern Europe is visiting his son in America for the very first time. They are at the local supermarket going up and down the aisles.

Dad: "Vas diss, powdered orange juice?"

Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice!"

A few minutes later, in a different aisle the father says: "Und vas dis, powdered milk?"

Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"

A few minutes later, in a different aisle the father says: "Und give look here. Baby Powder! Vat a country!  Dey take da fun outta making everyting!"
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72211
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3643 on: December 03, 2017, 06:07:16 AM »

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.  One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him
just out of spite,"

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Michael Edits

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1325
    • Michael Edits
Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« Reply #3644 on: December 04, 2017, 08:53:04 AM »
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If so, where did he keep them?
Great writing is like a window pane. Let Michael Edits be your Windex.
Business Editing Services since 2006.
Technical Editing Services since 1991.