Author Topic: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content  (Read 509893 times)

midnightcandle

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #105 on: March 21, 2008, 06:28:26 PM »
A man walks into a pub with a roll of tarmac under his arm. 'barman, give me two pints. One for me and one for the road'.

A man takes his rottweiller to the vets for his annual jab. Vet picks up the dog. "I'm sorry sir but I'm going to have to put your dog down." man starts crying. "Why, is there anything wrong?" "No" says the vet, "he's heavy".


Offline fire-fly

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #106 on: March 21, 2008, 09:05:29 PM »
A lady opens her refrigerator and sees a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied:

"This is a Westinghouse isn't it?"

The lady replied:

"Yes it is."

"Well," the rabbit said,

"I'm westing."

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Offline McWawa

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #107 on: April 07, 2008, 03:49:26 PM »
It was sunday morning at the pearly gates of heaven and there in line were the recently deceased Dolly Parton and the Queen of England amongst others.
Dolly was up first and St.Peter asked why she should enter heaven, what had she done for the benefit of humanity.Well Dolly exposed her ample cleaverage and stated that these fine gifts from God had brought plenty of pleasure to many and were good examples that God had looked upon her favourably in life.
Great, said St.Peter, but i'm not too sure that gets you passed.Who's next ?
Her majesty came up to the front , dropped her voluminous briefs and sat on the nearby loo,  did a number, recomposed her clothing and flushed the loo.
Excellent your Highness, comment St.Peter, you can carry on in.
Well Dolly lost her trolley and complained bitterly as to why the queen should get in before her and just for doing that.
Excuse me ma'am, explained St.Peter, but even in heaven a royal flush beats a pair, no mattter how big the pair.
"Do you not know, my son, with how little wisdom the world is governed?",
Axel Oxenstierna

Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #108 on: April 07, 2008, 03:54:37 PM »
Been digging in the archives again, no idea where this came from...

        This really shouldn't be funny, but...  How would you react under these circumstances?

        Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

        Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.

        Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

        Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

        His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't!"
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midnightcandle

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #109 on: April 07, 2008, 05:26:07 PM »
A moth goes to the doctors.
Doctor says ' how can i help you?'
'i've got a headache' said the moth.
'the vet is next door , why did you come to me?'
'I saw your light on.'
 :'( :'( :'(

Offline fire-fly

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #110 on: April 07, 2008, 09:08:18 PM »
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.  His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started in on him, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?  Where have you been?  Dinner is cold, and I'm not reheating it.'  And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long, hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.  The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.  Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.  As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP

I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D


midnightcandle

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #111 on: April 08, 2008, 12:15:00 AM »
I like that one. LOL

What do you call an chicken in a shell suit?
an egg.

Offline fire-fly

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #112 on: April 09, 2008, 03:29:17 AM »
STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?" asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration "Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it."

I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D


Offline DGSquared

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #113 on: April 12, 2008, 10:39:49 PM »
So this pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to his crotch.

The bartender looks at him and says, "What in the heck is that mate?"

The pirate said, "Arg! It's me ship's wheel and it's drivin' me nuts."





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Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #114 on: April 13, 2008, 05:37:54 PM »
Q:  Where can you find a dog with no legs?

A:  Wherever you left it.
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Offline DGSquared

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #115 on: April 13, 2008, 05:38:52 PM »
Q:  Where can you find a dog with no legs?

A:  Wherever you left it.

What if his name is Scooter? ;)
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #116 on: April 13, 2008, 05:45:34 PM »
Not my problem :-)
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Offline Solitaire

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #117 on: April 13, 2008, 05:50:48 PM »
Another pirate walks into the bar wearing a roll of paper towels instead of a bandanna.

Bartender warns the patrons:  "Look out for that'n mateys, he's got a Bounty on his head. 


P.S. Firefly--I am going to send that one about the Hind-Lick maneuver to my sister.  She will laugh until she cries or does something worse   :D
« Last Edit: April 13, 2008, 05:53:05 PM by Solitaire »

Offline fire-fly

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #118 on: April 13, 2008, 08:21:43 PM »
 


P.S. Firefly--I am going to send that one about the Hind-Lick maneuver to my sister.  She will laugh until she cries or does something worse   :D

No worries, the worse the joke, the harder we seem to laugh thats for sure.   ;D ;D ;D. Heres another one.

The cremated husband.

Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. 'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?

I bought it with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money !'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while racing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me?
Bought it too, with the insurance money!'

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, 'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?'

'Here it comes'





« Last Edit: April 13, 2008, 09:01:53 PM by fire-fly »
I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D


Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #119 on: April 13, 2008, 11:40:59 PM »
Someone sent me this yesterday...

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after  playing in the playground during their break time.The teacher says to  the first child "Hello Becky, what have you been doing this  playtime?"

Becky replies "I have been playing in the sand box."

"Very good" says the teacher '"If you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard,  I will give you a biscuit."

Becky  writes 's a n d' on the  blackboard. "Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The  teacher then says "Freddie, what have you been doing in your  playtime?"

Freddie replies "Playing with Becky in the sand box."

"Very good" says the teacher. "If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard,  I will also give you a biscuit."

Freddie writes 'b o x' on  the blackboard.  'Very good" says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says "Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''

"No" replies Mohammed, "I wanted to, but they  would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand  at me and calling me nasty names."

"Oh dear" says the teacher. "That sounds like blatant racial  discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit."

(I first heard this joke about forty years ago.  Only the names and race have have changed.)

Gyppo

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