Author Topic: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content  (Read 428048 times)

Offline Stupot

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The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« on: March 17, 2007, 08:05:52 PM »
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I read a joke today that had me groaning for about 10 minutes solidly afterwards.
I thought I'd share it with you guys. Then I thought why not dedicate an entire thread to those jokes which are not so funny, but have you groaning with a kind of reluctant respect for their cheesyness and charm.

Here's the one that started it.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him:

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I told you it was crap.

Next:
« Last Edit: October 25, 2015, 08:24:21 AM by Laura H »

Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2007, 07:29:51 PM »
Rather appropriately for a 'crap' joke thread...

Q:  What's brown and sticky?

A:  A stick.

Gyppo
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Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2007, 08:22:18 PM »
        Just a couple of snippets - all I recall - from a piece about a man who wanted to avoid National Service.  Let's just call him Tommy for convenience

        When Tommy was called up he went along like a good little British Citizen and caused only a small ripple when he wrote 'Literalist' in the space allowed for religion.  When queried about this he replied, "It just means that I take everything literally.  If you say Jump I'll jump, if you say Sit, I'll sit...."

        On the face of it this made him a perfect soldier, so they accepted his odd religion in good faith.

        First time out on the drill square the Sergeant bellowed 'Parade, 'Shun!"

        Tommy just swiftly doubled away, only to return promptly when the Sergeant called him back.

        "Just what are you are doin', you 'orrible little man?"

        "Shunning the parade, Sir.  As in avoiding all contact with it, Sir."  Tommy explained his 'religious' leanings.

        After several similar incidents, with Tommy trotting back and forth as regularly as a metronome, the Sergeant watched him walking away into the distance and decided not to call him back.

        "Stand at, Hayes!"  He bellowed before dismissing the others and going to consult his superiors.

        For three whole days Tommy was missing, reported as AWOL, until a member of the public reported a man in uniform who had been stood - unmoving since stepping down from the train - on a railway platform for nearly three days.

        The Military Police collected him from the then small town of Hayes, in Middlesex, and took him back to camp.  After a short and vigorous interview his papers were marked as 'Mentally Unsuitable for Armed Service' and Tommy returned to 'Civvy Street'.


My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Leigh

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2007, 09:23:20 PM »
Sometimes you have to let your mind relax, with a little sophmoric humor: While reading a joke book with my almost ten-year old, this one left me in hysterics-

Q: What did the teacher say when she lost her pencil?

A:  'Where's my pencil?'


And also this one:

Joe: 'Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?'
Mo: 'No, really?'
Joe: 'Yeah, great food, but no atmosphere.'

Sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!  :D ;D :P

You did say 'crap joke', though.....

Leigh
« Last Edit: March 19, 2007, 09:37:31 PM by Leigh »

Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #4 on: March 19, 2007, 09:44:36 PM »
A doctor, doing his morning rounds through the hospital, reaches for a pen to make some comment on a patient's notes, but instead finds a thermometer there.

"Damn, some bum's got my pen!"

Gyppo
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline DC

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2007, 09:54:14 PM »
Medical researchers have discovered that Diarrhoea is hereditary... It runs in your Jeans.

Sorry, but it is 'in thread'...

Dave.
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - open throttle in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : "Woo Hoo, what
a ride!"

Offline DC

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #6 on: March 19, 2007, 10:15:34 PM »
A Chicken goes in to the library, and after some time searching the shelves, selects a book. It takes the book, leaps up on to the counter, and says loudly to the librarian: 'BUK' The librarian stamps the book, and the chicken leaves with it.

The next day the Chicken returns, this time it selects two books. It leaps on to the counter; 'BUK BUK' it says. The librarian stamps them and the chicken leaves.

On the third day the Chicken selects three books. 'BUK BUK BUK' it says to the librarian, again the books are stamped, and the chicken leaves. As it it going out of the door, it passes a frog on his way in.

'BUK BUK BUK' says the Chicken

The Frog replies: 'Readit, Readit, Readit.'
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - open throttle in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : "Woo Hoo, what
a ride!"

Leigh

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #7 on: March 19, 2007, 10:20:20 PM »
Patient: 'I have a terrible problem, Doctor. I keep losing my memory.'

Doctor: 'How long have you had this problem?'

Patient: 'What problem?'

Leigh

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #8 on: March 19, 2007, 10:23:24 PM »
Mother: 'Doctor, my  son thinks he's a chicken!'

Doctor: 'That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him to see me?'

Mother: 'I would have, but we need the eggs.'

Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2007, 07:42:14 AM »
"My wife's just gone to the West Indies."

"Jamaica?"

"No, she went willingly."


*****

"Where's yer old dog, George?"

"I had to have him put down."

"Was 'e mad?"

"Well... 'E wern't best pleased."

*****

Gyppo


My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Allie

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2007, 11:07:40 AM »
Anyone on here old enough to remember those 'What's big and grey with yellow legs' sort of jokes (answer: an elephant standing in custard)? Well, one day a group of us in school got bored and began trying to make up better ones. My twin sister won with this one: What's green and prickly and goes up and down? The answer: a gooseberry in a lift. And guess what? She's just come across it in a book by William Trevor. Fame at last!   ;D

Offline Lanista

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #11 on: March 20, 2007, 12:13:19 PM »
Man goes to the doctors; he has a small tree growing out the top of his head. The doctor is perplexed, and tells the fella to take some general antibiotics and return in a week.

One week later, the man returns. Now he has a small tree and next to it, a minature lake, replete with a family of tiny ducks. The doctor says "I've never seen this condition before. All I can say is that I will do some research - in the meantime, keep taking the pills and come back next week."

The man duly returns a week later. Now he has the small tree, the lake replete with the family of tiny ducks and additionally a park bench has sprouted, just by the lake. The doctor snaps his fingers and looks relieved. "I know what that is," he says. "You've got a beauty spot."

Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #12 on: March 20, 2007, 03:50:15 PM »
Anyone on here old enough to remember those 'What's big and grey with yellow legs' sort of jokes (answer: an elephant standing in custard)?

Ah, the infamous 'What or Whys...' jokes.

What's thick yellow and deadly?
Shark infested custard.

What's thick yellow and deadly without sharks?
School Custard.

Why does an elephant paint the bottom of its feet yellow?
For camouflage whilst swimming upside down in custard.

Why does an elephant paint its toenails pink?
For camouflage whilst hiding in Cherry trees.

Why must yiu never cross the desert between two and three in the afternoon?
Because that's when the elephants do their parachute training.

Why have crocodiles got flat backs?
Because they cross the desert btween two and three in the afternoon.

And just to prove that school jokes are still alive and well.  A young girl on my postal delivery asked me...

"Postman, where can you find a dog with no legs?"
"No idea."
"Wherever you left it."

And also, before I drag myself - gasping and floundering - from this cloying pool of nostalgia...

"What do you call a Deer with no eyes?"
"No idea."
"Correct!"

Gyppo



 
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

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Offline Allie

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #13 on: March 20, 2007, 03:56:01 PM »
Excellent dose of nostalgia, Gyppo. I actually hadn't heard some of those before. I'm struggling to remember a joke crap enough to put on here.  :)

Offline Allie

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Re: The Crap Joke Thread
« Reply #14 on: March 20, 2007, 04:11:56 PM »
Okay, here's mine, at last:

How does a snowman get to work?

By icicle

 ;D