Author Topic: Sterek Fanfic! M/M 524 Words. Need help with FBI/Police Dialogue. GRAPHIC.  (Read 42 times)

Offline Sterekotp1

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(Updated)

This is a Sterek fanfiction and I am writing this in the character Stiles Stilinski's POV from the show TeenWolf.

(Scene 1: Stiles POV begins with the police dispatch call made through a police scanner that he over hears. He hears the police code for death and pages in to his partner Jax Taylor using a walkie talkie.)

“10-86 Officer Vega reporting a 10-45D (Person is deceased) between Lexington and South Jefferson Street. Need assistance.”

“10-4. Officer Vega, will an ambulance be needed? ETA is 15 minutes.

“11-42 (No ambulance). 10-55  (Notify Coroner). Over.”

“Stand by. Back up is on the way” 

Stiles lowers the volume when he hears the police dispatcher answer to a 10-45D. Automatically paging in to Jax who’s stationed near the scene.

“Jax 10-45D near Lexington do you copy? Over.”

There's no response, just the static crackle that lasts a beat too long for his liking.

“Jax, do you copy? Over?” The hair on his arm rises when the walkie talkie static goes dead. “Aw, Hell! Dammit Jax!”
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GRAPHIC/SA MENTION/TRIGGER WARNING!!

(Scene 2:Stiles arrives to a crime scene where the victim is his case partner Jax. Officer Vega fills him in and explains the scene of the crime.)

“FBI Agent Stilinski at your service. What's the status report?”

“Officer Vega. Nice to meet you.” They shake hands. Oh right, the officer doesn’t know he’d hacked into their police scanner. Oops. Act cool.

“I understand Mr. Jax Taylor was your partner. So I apologize and regret to inform you that Mr. Taylor has passed. But I can assure you that we will handle this case with swift efficiency and have the person responsible for this prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.” He nods. So they already got in touch with their department and ran two background checks. Nice, quick work. This police officer has experience dealing with FBI. Still, Stiles has to be cautious of the officers competence in the surveillance of the crime scene.

“The cause of death?”

“We’re still waiting for forensics to arrive but the cause of death is due to an overdose and what appears to be first-degree rape with intent to kill. We ruled out intentional overdose due to signs of foul play left on the victim's body but can’t officially declare anything until we receive the autopsy.”

“Wait. So as it stands, this is sexual battery because mutual consent is still a possibility? That’s…surprising.” Officer Vega nods.

“Yes, sir. Unfortunately, there are little to no defense wounds. When I arrived at the scene the victim had been left sitting up on a tree with his arms and legs splayed out, needle still stuck in his neck. His pants and boxers had been cut open between his legs from front to back and he’d been foaming at the mouth before his death. Rigor mortis hadn’t set in yet so we suspect someone had pursued Mr. Taylor when he was sitting in his car during his stake out. But how the perpetrator removed him from his vehicle is still unknown since there are no signs of struggle. There is no other evidence found but we expect a toxicology and autopsy report will tell us everything we need to know about the last few hours of his life.”

“Understood.” There is no way Jax would’ve gone down without a fight Stiles thinks. For christ's sake they were special agents working under the Criminal Investigative Division. Clearly whoever went after Jax had not only been highly trained but a danger to national security. Stiles will need to get in contact with intelligence analysts to get access to Jax’s phone and CCTV footage on the surrounding area.

Note:

I don't have a criminal justice back ground at all so I am looking for help with how to portray this information to the reader while also using the accurate terminology. 
« Last Edit: May 26, 2022, 01:29:56 PM by Sterekotp1 »

Offline Clarius

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Jargon is like colloquial dialogue: best used sparingly to add flavour, like you'd use herbs in cooking.

Is this a script or a story? Starts like the former, ends like the latter. If you're writing a script learn how to write a script. Ditto for story. Both are distinct forms of writing, each with their own forms and rules.

When dialogue is (mostly) all that you have, it's dialogue that has to carry the day. Dialogue should sound like something someone would and could actually say, and something that that character would and could likely/actually say. Each character should have a distinct personality evident in their speech. Too much of this is exposition through dialogue, cardboard characters exposing by holding forth at length. I ran out of breath just reading this let alone trying to say it out loud. Does anyone talk like this?

You have two characters here: Stilinski and Vega. Do you know them? Because you need to. In your mind these have to be real people. Imagine these characters are applying to be in your story. Write a biography for each, a CV if you like. You won't use much of it in your story, but it will help you see them as characters not cardboard.

Fan fiction is usually written in the style of the source material. Start by copying that and thereby evolving your own.

You have two scenes here, neither of which has structure. There's a way to structure a scene. Learn it and apply it. A scene is written from the PoV of a character. They come to the scene with a (sub) goal. Some unexpected obstacle arises to thwart their ambition. They fail to achieve their (sub) goal. They take stock and consider their options. They determine a way to proceed and move to the next scene on that basis.

Good luck.
O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us

 - Robert Burns

Offline Sterekotp1

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Thank you so much for you feedback!! I really appreciate it and need all the help I can get!

Also sorry for the confusion! This is a Sterek fan fiction and I am writing this in the character Stiles Stilinski's POV from the show TeenWolf. I will make sure to include this in my post so I don't confuse anyone else in the future! Thank you for pointing this out!

To clarify, I copy and pasted the scenes I needed help with so hopefully that helps explains why there is a lack of structure. 

The first scene in Stiles POV begins with the police dispatch call made through a police scanner that he over hears. He hears the police code for death and pages in to his partner Jax Taylor using a walkie talkie.

The second scene is Stiles arriving to a crime scene where the victim is his case partner Jax. Officer Vega fills him in and explains the scene of the crime.

I don't have a criminal justice back ground at all so I am looking for help with how to portray all this information to the reader while also using the accurate terminology. 

I can see how the exchange between FBI agent Stiles and Officer Vega comes off like they are cardboard characters but since they are strangers and professionals on the job I wanted dialogue that emphasized this distinction.

I'm just not sure how to phrase it any other way without it coming off unprofessional so if you have any suggestions there I would love to hear them!

I researched police codes and their meanings to create the scene Stiles has with the police scanner as well as forensic terminology for the crime scene. My goal being to accurately relay all this information like in real life scenarios.

I am open to any and all corrections you would like for me to make and will be updating this post as I get more feedback. Once again, thank you for replying to me! I look forward to hearing back from you!  :)