Author Topic: situation  (Read 3261 times)

Offline elena

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situation
« on: March 03, 2007, 04:27:36 AM »
In this scene Roy (the singer of an amateur rock band and Lisa, the guitar player, have to meet the new percussionist: Matthew). The rendevouz point: an avenue, 16,00 o'clock.



MATTHEW's in his car. He's white, 32 years old, short brown hair with a bang. His expression seems a little asleep: it's his normal expression... He's wearing a Pink Floyd t-shirt and a leather black jacket.
His car's on the right side of the Avenue, near the service station.

On the other side of the Avenue Roy and LISA are sitting on Roy's motor-bike. Lisa's beside Roy. She's black, 33 years old, black long hair, her eyes look like the eyes of a falcon. She wears a black jacket and a t-shirt with the name “Lisa” written on it, but Matthew can't read it, because Lisa's hidden by Roy.
Pan to an other car.
A woman's waiting in her car. Her make-up is striking. She makes a bubble with her chewing-gum.

Matthew looks at the car across the street, he's still waiting.
His watch points to 16,09 O'Clock.
He gets out of his car.

He crosses the street.
He shyly approaches the woman's car.
Roy and Lisa share amused looks, then they look at Matthew.
Matthew knocks at the car window.
The woman inside the car let the window down.

MATTHEW:
“Are you... Lisa?”.

The woman's a whore. She stops champing her chewing-gum.

WOMAN:
(tempting, slowly)
“No... but for a 100$ I'm everyone you want me to be...”.

Matthew looks very awkward.
Roy and Lisa start to laugh.
Matthew pays attention to them, then he looks at the woman for the last time.
The woman looks at him, champing her chewing-gum rudely.

MATTHEW:
(Clumsy)
“Sorry... it's... it's been a mistake...”.

The woman makes adieu to Matthew with a gesture of her hand and a short smile of circumstance.
Matthew clears his own voice and gives a death look to Roy and Lisa.
They keep laughing. They can't help it.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2007, 04:34:58 AM by elena »

Offline Sara-Rose

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Re: situation
« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2007, 04:00:02 PM »
I find the scene flat and only mildly interesting. 

You may want to rethinking the descriptions: 'eyes of a falcon' and 'Her make-up is striking'.  A person is 'striking', not their make-up unless they are a circus clown or a stage actor. And a film director or casting agent may have a tough time picturing what a person with falcon eyes would look like.  Also consider substituting prostitute  for 'whore'.  The word 'whore' implies a moral judgment, unless that is your intention.
Failure is an opportunity to start again more intelligently – Henry Ford

Offline elena

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Re: situation
« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2007, 03:53:49 AM »
yes I have to learn a lot about your way of speaking (I'm italian)... sorry...  :D

Patron

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Re: situation
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2007, 12:16:56 AM »
Elena;

I have to disagree; it does not sound flat by any means. It sounds like you are mastering the basics of screenplay writing. Academy award winning screenplays do not read like a novel, Screenplays are designed to do one thing and one thing only; they are the absolute basic element to creating a movie. That being said; you must first sell the director. If the director is sold than he/she will take it where it needs to go; this is their job. You are the storyteller and you will take it where you want it to go, but if you need to tweak it to influence the film how you think it should be influenced than you will do that.

If you will permit I will offer some well hard knock lessons of screenplay writing. First of all, I commend you on scene description; to a point. You did well in some scenes to describe where we are, what is happening and what time of day it is, and you failed in some others. That's ok though, you are on the right track.

Every scene needs a short quick description. Where, who and the time period if not then time of day. I liked the way you have entered this; I would like to know what your premise is and that would help me to understand your direction without reading the entire screenplay. Hope this helps. Email me if you have questions I will be glad to help.

One further note; Elena I don't want to cannibalize your post but I feel this needs to be said;

This is to Sara-Rose; I want to offer a bit of advice, if that is ok? When a member posts their work it's generally because they are looking for some positive feedback. Positive feedback includes comments that would allude to the fact that possibly that commentator doesn't like it, but that person has an obligation to offer respectful and helpful advice that they could consider and use or not use to their advantage. Simply put--"I find the scene flat and mildly interesting" offers what? I'm sorry, but this industry is full of those exact meaningless commentaries. They mean nothing and offer less than nothing. I'm sorry as I don't want you to feel I am coming down on you but I want to teach you and help you to offer commentary that is insightful, thoughtful and filled with information that will help and encourage the other person. Again, I am not coming down on you but please help all of us to offer more positive comments that you yourself would also enjoy receiving. Thank you. Elena I'm sorry again for hijacking your post.


Sincerely,

Patron



Offline X-Writer

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Re: situation (Congratulation)
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2007, 07:17:58 AM »
Congratulation Elena, you have a gift. I can see your name showing on the screen. But I think that if you pay some attention to the advices that Patron posted  and those that I'll  post, your chances to realize such dream will increase.
Advice one: Even in a forum, never told readers what your scene is about. Let 'em  think. And do your best to give them the idea through sounds and pictures.
Advice two: Try hard to make your script as short as you can, and I'm not talking about the story here. Try to describe only things that may add something to your story or may change it. E.g: "He's wearing a Pink Floyd t-shirt and a leather black jacket."  Ask yourself: Is it necessary to mention this detail? Will the idea I want to give get corrupted if I don't mention that? Your act must stand on the answer if it is "yes, that necessary" so keep it, if not delete it directly without thinking. To make this advice easier I want you to imagine yourself in a trip by a balloon and you are about to get crushed on a mountain and you need to get things off of your balloon to fly higher so what you will through? You will throw any thing that it is not necessary to stay alive like radio, TV, lap top…etc but you won't throw bottles of water, food, medication…etc. You get the idea? Keep just things  that will keep your story alive and throw any thing else.
Advice three: About dialogue you are doing great in it. But you have to use the parentheticals  more wisely, you need them only when you want the actor to say his sentence with unexpected way. E.g: this sentence "it's … its…. It's been a mistake. It is clear that he is clumsy when he say that. you get that?
Advice four: try to use less number of pronouns. e.g ]
"Matthew looks at the car across the street, he's still waiting.
His watch points to 16,09 O'clock.
He gets out of his car"
 what if we say:" Mathew looks at the other car, still waiting. he checks his watch before getting out of his car" and I meant to delete 16,09  because that will not help the audience to figure any new thing out. Checking the watch will be enough to make them know that the rendezvous had been passed.
One more thing: you have to give an indication to any character shows up. I am talking about the whore. You didn't name it. Name it WHORE for example. Just to stop using this sentence " The woman in the car" in every time you want to talk about her.
I think theses advices will be enough for now. Keep cool as you are.

Best regards
X-Writer
I'm a fact more than a man, "no one can live alone".