Author Topic: An other scene  (Read 2827 times)

Offline elena

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 32
An other scene
« on: February 12, 2007, 04:27:57 PM »
Introduction to a new Character: Roy.
Also: I just want to remember that Marnie is a woman.
Here is the scene.

NIGHT SHOT OF THE APARTMENT BLOCK

HALL

Marnie's in front of a little elevator.
A fat man is beside her.
They get in the elevator.
Cut to the entrance of the hall: someone opens the front door of the hall. He's Steve. He's in hurry and he reaches the elevator, running. He gets in the elevator, too, smiling to Marnie.
Marnie smiles back.
The elevator door is closing.
Cut to the detail of a black shoe: it slips through the door.
The black shoe opens the elevator's door again.
Pun up to ROY, 37, tall, bearded, very sharp eyes and satisfied expression.
He gets in the elevator.

ROY:
(English accent, scrolling his body a little)
“Good evening”.

The door is closing.

INSIDE THE ELEVATOR

The four are sardined.
Close to a plate: MAX = 200 KG.

STEVE
(Italian accent to Roy with confidence)
“Are you sure it will work?”.

ROY:
(laughing unaware)
“Come on, what are you afraid of? At least we remain at the ground floor”.

The fat man laughs.
Marnie is serious and a little uncomfortable. She gives a heavy look to Roy.
Roy ignores her glance and he pushes the bottom.
The elevator lifts up, then it stops abruptly.
The four looks at each other a little concerned.
The elevator lifts down abruptly with two jolts.
The door is still closed.
The fat man is serious now.
Roy shrugs his shoulders, as to say: “I'm sorry”, easy-going.
Steve is shaking his head comfortless.
Marnie looks pretty angry and a little worried.
Roy forces the door.

STEVE:
(irked, to Roy)
“What the hell are you doin'?”.

ROY:
(amused)
“Shut up and give me a hand here”.

They both force the door. They open it.

FRONTAL SHOT OF THE ELEVATOR

We see the four of them from the haunch to their had...
One by one they get out of there.
Then they share furtive looks and keep an eye around them.
Nobody else is out there.
They silently climb the stairs.

CUT TO BLACK
« Last Edit: February 12, 2007, 04:31:24 PM by elena »

Patron

  • Guest
Re: An other scene
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2007, 03:19:38 AM »
Hi Elena;


First I would like to ofer my pologies for not responding sooner. I see by the date you posted this that you haven't had any responses and that's not right. Also with me being in the business of screenwriting I enjoy reading anyone who posts to the screenwriting section of MWC. Sorry.

One offer I would give is that you don't need to "cut" to change the camera. It's more natural to offer a new scene heading and after that a brief scene discription.

I have some other ideas but I thought to help you, I would offer a short bit from one that I'd written; if you will.

ON SLOCOCK THROUGH SPYGLASS
The Spanish ship has lost her energy; the Spanish captain fell for the trap and foolishly ordered a change of sail. The ship would have to fight it out.
LONG OF THE PIRATE SHIP
The sound came before the cannonballs. The Spanish shots fell harmlessly short of their mark.
ON SLOCOCK AND EDGAR
Slocock grinning, reaches into a wooden, lided box and fishes out another bottle.
SLOCOCK
You see Edgar...battle tactics old friend; and I’m the master.
LONG SHOT BOTH SHIPS
The Spanish ship is clearly fumbling as the pirate ship races to close the gap between them.
ON SLOCOCK AND EDGAR
SLOCOCK
Edgar, the cannons are loaded?
EDGAR
Yes Captain.
SLOCOCK
Good. On my command bring her hard to port, line her up on the sun. We won’t lose our wind on that bearing.
The sun was low on the horizon.
SLOCOCK
...and prepare to fire.
Edgar glances toward the gun deck opening. The gun commander is waiting for his command.
Slocock waits...raises a hand...
SLOCOCK
Now! Take her to the sun...
LONG SHOT BOTH SHIPS
The pirate ship turns into the sun.
ON SPANISH SHIP CAPTAIN
The Spanish Captain sees the reverse turn.
SPANISH CAPTAIN
Give me a starboard tack.
The steersman spins the wheel, but to late.
ON DECK EDGAR AND SLOCOCK 
Slocock watches his trick work. His position is perfect.
SLOCOCK
Fire!
Edgar signals the gun commander and repeats the order.
LONG SHOT OF PIRATE SHIP BROADSIDE
Eighteen guns let loose, exploding fire and plumes of smoke.
LONG SHOT BOTH SHIPS
One by one the cannons hit their mark splintering the ship and sails.
SLOCOCKS POV - SPYGLASS
He watches his devastation unfold...
SLOCOCK
Bring her about! Quickly!
ON SLOCOCK EDGAR AND STEERSMAN
The steersman responds and spins the big wheel turning the ship into the wind.
SLOCOCK
(leaning over the rail)
And man those port guns!
The gun commander responds barking out orders to reload quickly. The men struggle in the humid cramped area, working to pull the cannons back and reload.
Edgar already anticipating...
EDGAR
Captain no!
Slocock checks the position of the Spanish ship. She is slow and unable to make her turn quickly.
SLOCOCK
Bring her starboard mate!
The ship rolls to the reverse. The ship lines up her port broadside.
EDGAR
Captain, we don’t have the starboard guns reloaded, we’ll be vulnerable...



Ok this is without the proper format but you can get an idea of the camera changes as scene changes. Offering "cuts" is ok to a very very small degree but is really the directors job and he/she will take offense at the writer stepping on their boundaries.



Sincerely;

Patron :)



Offline elena

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 32
Re: An other scene
« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2007, 07:10:06 AM »
Thank you! You're totally right... and I've also read some advice in this page:

http://scriptnurse.com/wcms/index.php?generalrules

I'm rewrighting all the script for that...

 :'( :D