Author Topic: A little excerpt  (Read 6503 times)

Offline elena

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A little excerpt
« on: February 11, 2007, 11:00:45 AM »
This is an excerpt from a scene inside The Aquarium.



MARNIE (V.O.):
“These beings can't move, but they sprinkle vital strength and they gild even the deepest and undiscovered places inside the ocean...”

There's a montage of white and colored corals. They light the water.
Marnie seems relaxed now. No more “clouds” in her eyes.

MARNIE (V.O.):
“I felt willing...”

FADE OUT

MARNIE (V.O.):
“But how much am I fragile...?”

FADE IN

MARNIE (V.O.):
“Can a wave break me like a twig...?”

A weedy seadragon stands there, behind an other glass, with its tender and transparent dorsal fin. 
Frontal shot of Marnie: her head is reclined on her left shoulder. Her hands bear on her knees. Her eyes are tautened. Her brow is puckered.
Profile shot: she takes a huge breath, straightening.
Cut to the detail of her hands: she puts them on her jacket's pockets.
She turns to the camera, lowering her head.
Medium shot: her head remains lowered and she turns up her eyes slowly (but she doesn't look at the camera).
Dolly out, while Marnie keeps walking.

MARNIE (V.O.):
“The laziness and will of my mind were fighting the hardest of their battles...”

Marnie: closed mouth, she tightens her teeth, snorting a lumbering breath. She looks down again.

MARNIE (V.O.):
“I was clearly in the middle of a crisis...”

CUT TO BLACK

MARNIE (V.O.):
“But a lot of people are out there... and surely I was not the only one...”.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2007, 12:25:04 PM by elena »

Patx

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Re: A little excerpt
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2007, 06:55:34 AM »
Elena - I think readers could do with some context here. You've clearly worked a lot on the technical directions side of thing - an I think it's possible to visualise the particular scene you're describing - however, it is very much a small scene in splendid isolation.

Without asking you to post the entire story in screenplay format, knowing the context for this scene would be a help

Offline thatollie

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Re: A little excerpt
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2007, 07:49:54 AM »
This is the main thing that bothered me
Quote
No more “clouds” in her eyes.
You didn't say that she had "clouds" in her eyes. You also didn't introduce the character  at the beginning. I thought that Marnie was a guy for 14 lines.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline elena

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Re: A little excerpt
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2007, 08:24:13 AM »
I know: you're both right.
I described her anxiety in the first part of this scene.
Also: this is a central scene and many things already happened.
Marnie is a woman and she's in the middle of a personality crisis. She's been raped 14 years ago and she stayed with a woman (Sean). Sean betrayed her with an other woman, telling this to Marnie: "I made you a favour". Marnie thought to be lesbian, because she has problems with men, but she isn't lesbian. I'd post the whole scene of the aquarium, but I think it's too long.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2007, 08:28:32 AM by elena »

Offline thatollie

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Re: A little excerpt
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2007, 12:20:20 PM »
Now I understand about you not saying Marnie was a woman. If this is the beginning of the scene, you should describe the look in her eyes [if it's important]. I didn't really like the idea of cloudy eyes anyway. One other thing, read this aloud to yourself,
Quote
“But how much am I fragile...?”
It doesn't sound like the way anyone would structure a sentence. Even if it's in their head.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline elena

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Re: A little excerpt
« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2007, 01:53:22 PM »
Well... in Italy I could think in my mind: "ma quanto sono fragile?", I'm Italian and that's a huge limit...

Offline amalia

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Re: A little excerpt
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2007, 02:15:04 PM »
It definitely sounds much better in Italian and gets the idea across much better than anything I can think of in English!!

I have a question to bother you with. Do you know of any Italian writing forums similar to this one?

Se io potessi scrivere in Italiano tanto bene come tu scrivi in Inglese sarei molto felice!!
Buon coraggio!

Offline elena

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Re: A little excerpt
« Reply #7 on: February 12, 2007, 02:21:06 PM »
It definitely sounds much better in Italian and gets the idea across much better than anything I can think of in English!!

I have a question to bother you with. Do you know of any Italian writing forums similar to this one?

Se io potessi scrivere in Italiano tanto bene come tu scrivi in Inglese sarei molto felice!!
Buon coraggio!

I don't really know... I'm sorry...
Your Italian is good! "Potessi" (congiuntivo) and "sarei" (condizionale) are difficult! And you did it very well! But I don't know what do you mean with "buon coraggio". Try to tell me what does it mean in english and I'll try to translate it! LOL!
I need an interpreteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!!!!!! LOL!

Now I understand about you not saying Marnie was a woman. If this is the beginning of the scene, you should describe the look in her eyes [if it's important]. I didn't really like the idea of cloudy eyes anyway.

I don't really know why I told "cloudy eyes"... that's really bad, you're right... In the first part of this scene (I didn't post it) Marnie is sad and her mind is full of pessimism (I don't know if you understand what I mean)... I just wanted to say that the view of corals helped her to relieve herself and I wanted to say that we can see her relief also in her eyes.

About the "fragile" sentence... help me... maybe I could say: "And if I'm too fragile..."... GULP???? HELP!
« Last Edit: February 12, 2007, 02:57:12 PM by elena »

Offline amalia

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Re: A little excerpt
« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2007, 02:56:01 PM »
For the "fragile" bit. Maybe you could use something with "sensitive" instead.

"But, why am I so sensitive?"

Please ignore if it doesn't sound right to you.

Offline elena

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Re: A little excerpt
« Reply #9 on: February 12, 2007, 02:58:18 PM »
Thanks for the suggestions.  :D

Does it sound any better now?




MARNIE (V.O.):
“These beings can't move, but they sprinkle vital strength and they gild even the deepest and undiscovered places inside the ocean...”

There's a montage of white and colored corals. They light the water.
Marnie seems relaxed now. We can see her relief in her eyes.

MARNIE (V.O.):
“I felt willing...”

FADE OUT

MARNIE (V.O.):
But, why am I so sensitive...?

FADE IN

MARNIE (V.O.):
“Can a wave break me like a twig...?”

A weedy seadragon stands there, behind an other glass, with its tender and transparent dorsal fin. 
Frontal shot of Marnie: her head is reclined on her left shoulder. Her hands bear on her knees. Her eyes are tautened. Her brow is puckered.
Profile shot: she takes a huge breath, straightening.
Cut to the detail of her hands: she puts them on her jacket's pockets.
She turns to the camera, lowering her head.
Medium shot: her head remains lowered and she turns up her eyes slowly (but she doesn't look at the camera).
Dolly out, while Marnie keeps walking.

MARNIE (V.O.):
“The laziness and will of my mind were fighting the hardest of their battles...”

Marnie: closed mouth, she tightens her teeth, snorting a lumbering breath. She looks down again.

MARNIE (V.O.):
“I was clearly in the middle of a crisis...”

CUT TO BLACK

MARNIE (V.O.):
“But a lot of people are out there... and surely I was not the only one...”.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2007, 03:05:51 PM by elena »

Offline thatollie

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Re: A little excerpt
« Reply #10 on: February 12, 2007, 05:37:23 PM »
That's a lot better.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline Dr Stevil

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Re: A little excerpt
« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2007, 08:41:28 PM »


MARNIE (V.O.):
“These beings can't move, but they sprinkle vital strength and they gild even the deepest and undiscovered places inside the ocean...”


Pedantic marine biologist mode: Er, sorry no. Corals aren't found in the deepest parts of the oceans. Regular warm-water (photosynthesizing) corals are only found down to about 50 to 70 metres maximum. There are some cold water corals which can live way down in the pitch blackness, but we've only just discovered these in recent times and they aren't really like the ones the reader will think of when looking at aquarium specimens.

However there are many other things about corals which one could describe poetically, such as their long life (in some species the lives of colonies can be measured in thousands of years) or their inherent harmony  ( many corals are symbionts, that is the cells of the coral animal  have tiny plants iving inside them  - for reference these plants are algae called zooxanthellae)   

Sorry, but unnecessarily inaccurate science would ruin your scene for any biologist viewing (we howl with laughter at films such as 'Deep Blue Sea' and 'The Sphere' )
Stevil
HTH

Offline elena

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Re: A little excerpt
« Reply #12 on: February 13, 2007, 02:25:20 AM »
Quote
There are some cold water corals which can live way down in the pitch blackness, but we've only just discovered these in recent times and they aren't really like the ones the reader will think of when looking at aquarium specimens

What a stupid! I didn't think to that...

What if I say only:

MARNIE (V.O.):
“These beings can't move, but they sprinkle vital strength and they gild the ocean, where the sun can reach them..."

 ??? ??? ???




« Last Edit: February 13, 2007, 02:28:31 AM by elena »

Offline Dr Stevil

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Re: A little excerpt
« Reply #13 on: February 13, 2007, 06:15:49 AM »
much more accurate. :)

Patron

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Re: A little excerpt
« Reply #14 on: February 13, 2007, 05:49:55 PM »
Elena

Not stupid....


That's why were here. Sometimes 10 sets of eyes isn't enough to catch everything.


I look forward to seeing more. ;)


Sincerely,

Patron