Author Topic: New Novel  (Read 1059 times)

Offline ABestSeller

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New Novel
« on: February 05, 2007, 10:37:00 PM »
I'm finally getting around to starting my second novel.  Too long in between.  Following is a potential opening in which I characterize two of the main characters through dialogue.  Not sure if this will be the actual opening, but I'm seriously considering it.  I think it will play well with the intended audience.
                                             ----------------------------

An autumn evening, some time in late October. Bobby Leonard said to the woman he was currently seeing.  “You know, I can win the World Series of Poker, it’s just a matter of getting mentally prepared. 
    “You said that last year, Bobby.”
    “Really, I don’t remember.”
   “We were having cocktails at The Alladin, you said it was all mental.  You could win the main event if you just prepared yourself mentally.  You’ve been saying that for the past four years.”
    “Physical too.  That’s all a part of it.  You have to be in top shape to last for five days."
    “Said that, too.  You were going to join the Bronco Health Club the day after you were eliminated in the first round last year."
    “You sure it wasn’t Bally’s?  I like their equipment better.  Bronco is for the lifters.  I just want to get toned up.”
     Shelly Bertram glanced at Bobby’s protruding mid-section, but didn’t speak. They were in Bobby’s upscale apartment on Tropicana.  Bobby was stretched out on the sofa, wondering why he hadn’t dumped Shelly before now.  Not that she looked bad.  Nothing had changed since he met her six years ago at Fancy Dan’s strip club in downtown Las Vegas.  It was the New York twang in her voice, and the eyes that rolled upward when she corrected him.
   Bobby continued.  “There’s that guy on the strip, calls himself the poker guru.  Supposed to make a winner of any one who will make the commitment."
   “Jesus,” Shelly sighed.  “At the Alladin, same conversation, you talked about him for ten minutes.”
    Bobby’s face was turning red.  One of his moods was coming on.  He was about to get bitchy.
    Shelly was one step ahead.  She crossed her legs all the way up and smiled at Bobby like she always does when he gets this way.
    Bobby’s eyes blinked.   He  remembered how it had been. Still was for that matter.  Best legs in the state was what he had told her when they first met.   It didn’t bother him that she was two inches taller than him. 
    Shelly  lifted herself out of her recliner which the slick furniture salesman had told Bobby was specially made to enhance a lady’s sexual energies.  It was something in the way it tilted.  The angle.  Shelly took Bobby by the hand and gently led him to the bedroom.
    Bobby Leonard fancied himself to be a top-level poker player. What he was in fact was an average player who had money to burn.  Twenty-two years in the private detective business, at which he was very good, had provided the cushion for him to live it up with the pros at The Bellagio.  He didn’t know that his toughest and most lucrative case ever was about to fall into his lap.


Offline rewh2oman

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Re: New Novel
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2007, 08:43:17 AM »
I think "Alladin" is spelt "Aladdin"?  But I'm not a big Vegas fan.

Who is your audience?

It's a good first shot at a beginning.  I liked the line "He didn't know that his toughest and most lucrative case ever was about to fall into his lap".  For me, this might lend itself to a double-entendre (they were after all on their way to the bedroom).

...russ

Offline fett80

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Re: New Novel
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2007, 03:08:51 PM »
Hey there,

a pretty good setup for the rest of the novel, although I'm not sure about that first line.  I too like establishing things like season but it felt a little out of place with the rest of the beginning, like it was thrown in for mere necessity.

The dialogue was good though; you get a sense of who these two characters are even though it's a short excerpt.

Offline ABestSeller

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Re: New Novel
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2007, 04:56:12 PM »
Thanks for the feedback (s).  I’m not sure why I didn’t correct Alladin.  My spell checker told me it was wrong.  Just an oversight.  My audience is the ever-expanding world of poker aficionados…or degenerates  …not sure what we are. 

Regarding the opening.  I just write what comes into my head and change it later.  Sort of it was a ‘dark and stormy night.’  I agree with you. It’s somewhat out of context.  Actually, I’ve already thought of a re-write that will work better for my audience. 

At this point, I have an idea for the story.  My next step is to develop the characters to carry the idea out.  The rest will be on-the-fly writing.  I’ll do a take on Poker Guru next.  He’s going to play a big part in the adventure.  Go to:  www.EdBarrettsPage.com to see my first novel; ‘Psychic Rhymes

Offline wileygrrl

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Re: New Novel
« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2007, 05:42:33 PM »
The story sounds interesting but i do think you need a better opening -aragraph.  It sounds like you are setting it up.  I think it needs to grab a bit more.
Find a career you love and you'll never work a day in your life.

I don't work. I write.
                   Jennifer Elizabeth McDonald

Jordon Oakley

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Re: New Novel
« Reply #5 on: February 06, 2007, 06:53:58 PM »
Hello, I liked the way you flowed with your words. Good job!
Jordon