Author Topic: "Dreamworld" excerpt  (Read 2485 times)

Offline zak_wolf

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"Dreamworld" excerpt
« on: March 02, 2006, 04:04:48 PM »
Dreamworld excerpt

Mona Rivers stood rigid for a moment, just enough time to realize that she was standing next to her own body lying in a hospital bed. She had seen the exact replica of her cinnamon red, frizzy hair that dropped to her shoulder blades, the same slackened look she usually see in her pictures, and the very scar on her chin that was barely visible in the dimmed light... 

"How can this be?" she mustered up her voice and immediately ran for a mirror, but only saw nothing but a reflection of a plain wall and a vibrant painting. Her hastened, weak breathing wavered as she spun with her back to the wall, to see her body still seemingly unconscious.

She resumed to shake her head in disbelief, or she had felt like doing for her head was still motionless on the opposite side of the tranquil, shadowy room. This can't be happening, she furiously thought with the others that raged in her fearful mind. I just had a car accident. This is just a delusion. Just a dream. Then another had struck her cold... a dream I may not wake up from. A coma...

Daring to draw near towards the body, Mona had her eyes glance from the bed to the slightly ajar door. Her muscles pulsed when she had thought there was movement outside in the hall. Her heart pounded heavily as she felt it slowly sink in despair.

If I'm really dreaming, then why could I sense the chillness, why could I smell the disinfectant in this room? Why could I be able to think clearly like this? She pondered, attempting to get closer to her twin. For some reason, she was afraid to.

Still keeping her eye on the door, Mona embraced the cold metal railing on the left side of the bed. She heard her sweaty palms squeak by its smooth exterior. This is real, she could not deny. The door remained still, so she had built enough trust to turn her back to see her body a little closer.

The sleeping, saggy eyes already opened, directed at her, and before Mona could stow away, an uncontrollable arm grasped hers, forcing her down to the grimaced face.

"I will die, and you with me!" her mouth contorted in a monstrous grin.
« Last Edit: March 05, 2006, 05:43:25 PM by zak_wolf »
Just a quote I will always remember from Edgar Allen Poe:


"Nevermore!"

Offline zak_wolf

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Re: "Dreamworld" excerpt
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2006, 07:12:04 PM »
Please review...
Just a quote I will always remember from Edgar Allen Poe:


"Nevermore!"

Offline pete_dog

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Re: "Dreamworld" excerpt
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2006, 10:39:06 AM »
Hi Zak

On the whole, nicely done - I thought you captured the woman's shock and confusion well. A couple of things jumped out at me.

Firstly, your use of tense slips at the end ("had already opened", etc) - this is inconsistent with the rest of the piece.

Similarly, at the end of paragraph 3, in the final bit of her thoughts there, the thoughts shift from being first to third person, which is again inconsistent.

Also, "consorted" - do you mean "contorted"?
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Offline zak_wolf

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Re: "Dreamworld" excerpt
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2006, 05:11:05 PM »
Okay, thanks. Modified.
Just a quote I will always remember from Edgar Allen Poe:


"Nevermore!"

Offline Angeleyes

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Re: "Dreamworld" excerpt
« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2006, 03:59:47 AM »
What a great piece of writing zac. I really enjoyed this!  :D
May all your dreams come true.

Whether you think you can, or think you can't....you're right!
-Henry Ford.

Offline frankieintherain

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Re: "Dreamworld" excerpt
« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2006, 04:31:51 PM »
"cinnamon hair" I love the imagery...
I like this, not too wordy and yet it has a good use of words, plus the name "Moan Rivers" is just funky... :D
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."

Offline zak_wolf

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Re: "Dreamworld" excerpt
« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2006, 06:30:20 PM »
Thanx
Just a quote I will always remember from Edgar Allen Poe:


"Nevermore!"

Dale Rhodes

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Re: "Dreamworld" excerpt
« Reply #7 on: March 05, 2006, 03:38:55 PM »
Hi zak_wolf,

You've got a good start here. It'll be interesting to see where it goes.

The thing that's bothering me the most is your phrasing.
Quote
her own laid body in a hospital bed
'...her own body lying in a hospital bed.' ?
Quote
but only conceiving nothing but a reflection of a plain wall
'...but saw nothing but a reflection of a plain wall' ?
Quote
Her hastened, weak breathing had wavered as she spun with her back to the wall,
''Her hastened, weak breathing wavered as she spun her back to the wall' ?
Quote
She resumed to shake her head in disbelief
'She shook her head in disbelief' ?

Perhaps english is not your first language, or perhaps you're trying too hard to be 'poetic,' for whatever reason, these phrasings are quite awkward. You should try to state the actions and feelings of your character in simpler, more direct ways, which don't detract from the flow of the narrative.

Dale
http://dwrhodes.squarespace.com/welcome/

Offline zak_wolf

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Re: "Dreamworld" excerpt
« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2006, 05:44:24 PM »
Thanx... but for the shaking her head in disbelief, I wanted to show that she was shaking her head during this time and still resume to do so...
Just a quote I will always remember from Edgar Allen Poe:


"Nevermore!"

Dale Rhodes

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Re: "Dreamworld" excerpt
« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2006, 06:08:27 PM »
zak_wolf,

That's exactly what I mean.

Quote
I wanted to show that she was shaking her head during this time and still resume to do so...

To say that a person 'resumes' doing something, requires that they first have 'stopped' doing that thing, or else the phrasing doesn't make any sense. Such as: "I walked down the street, then I resumed walking." This sentence doesn't make sense as written. It needs: "I walked down the street, paused to look at a crack in the sidewalk, then resumed walking." See what I mean?

The proper word to make your sentence read correctly would be 'continued' not 'resumed'.
I wanted to show that she was shaking her head during this time and still continued to do so...

I hope that makes it a little clearer.

Dale
http://dwrhodes.squarespace.com/welcome/

Offline zak_wolf

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Re: "Dreamworld" excerpt
« Reply #10 on: March 05, 2006, 06:41:16 PM »
I didnt add that she was shaking her head before... and I just point out that she was shaking her head throughout the whole ordeal, but thanx anyways.
Just a quote I will always remember from Edgar Allen Poe:


"Nevermore!"

Dale Rhodes

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Re: "Dreamworld" excerpt
« Reply #11 on: March 05, 2006, 06:46:07 PM »
Good luck.

Offline zak_wolf

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Re: "Dreamworld" excerpt
« Reply #12 on: March 05, 2006, 06:59:25 PM »
kk  ;)
Just a quote I will always remember from Edgar Allen Poe:


"Nevermore!"