Author Topic: [MAMA]  (Read 1474 times)

Offline BJohn

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[MAMA]
« on: January 31, 2007, 04:17:40 AM »
(No more for a while. I promise! :) )

MAMA
====

Kiss my hand;
blow in the air:
Find your Mama!
Find your Mama!

Walk my talk;
goin' nowhere:
Watch me Mama!
Watch me Mama!

Close my eyes;
dryin' my tear:
Whisper 'Mama!'
Whisper 'Mama!'

Beat my chest;
havin' no fear:
Tell your Mama!
Tell your Mama!

Share my smile;
think of You hear:
Wake up Mama!
Wake up Mama!

Offline R. L. Copple

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Re: [MAMA]
« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2007, 03:08:46 AM »
Sounds like pretty good children's poetry to me. Nice rhythm to it, and small child feel.

Offline BJohn

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Re: [MAMA]
« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2007, 03:22:21 AM »
Hi

Thanks for your comments, R. L. Copple

Funny though, as it's a man's lament. Maybe he
was being childish (or small) at the time. :)

Mama is not his Mum, but rather his *love*.
I can see how that might not be the right
word, but that was the word that came to me.

It was one of several poems I've written that
'appeared' whilst I was walking. Whilst I'm a big
fan of editing, this poem is more or less first
draft.

Thanks again

BJohn

Offline R. L. Copple

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Re: [MAMA]
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2007, 10:08:55 PM »
I see what you are saying. I've heard husbands call their wives, "Mama" before, though it seems odd to me. But I think the abbreviated sentences say "toddler talking" and the first thing anyone is going to think of without a better reference is a mother, not a husband.

So, based on what you wanted it to say, you might need some more contextual work on it. If you're fine with people reading it as a child and his mother, I think overall it works.

Offline kalikan

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Re: [MAMA]
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2007, 11:29:12 PM »
I agree, it definitely comes off as a "mother," rather than a wife or love. It reminds me of the show "Dinosaurs," with the baby dino always saying "Not the mama!"

Maybe it's just a pastime of my generation...

I like it in the context of a children's poem, though.
~Josh

Offline BJohn

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Re: [MAMA]
« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2007, 03:09:06 AM »
Hi

Thanks for the comments. It never felt like he was
talking to his mother, but I can see that it reads like
that.

Very interesting indeed. Not sure what to do with
that info. actually.

Why would he refer to his 'lover' like his mother?
Would be the sort of question I would need to
answer.

Thank you very much
BJohn