Author Topic: New Scenes (Language Warning)  (Read 2296 times)

Offline Technofear

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New Scenes (Language Warning)
« on: January 18, 2007, 09:39:02 PM »
INT. alison's bedroom- night

The door bursts open, and in come Sandeep and Alison, frantically kissing and groping at each other. In one fulid motion, they fall onto the bed, careful not to land awkwardly on her pregnant stomach.

They kiss for a few seconds more, before Sandeep breaks away.

SANDEEP
You sure you're alright with this?

Alison smiles.

ALISON
When did you become a gentleman?

SANDEEP
I've always been a gentleman.

ALISON
Gentlemen sleep with their mate's heavily pregnant girlfriends, do they?

SANDEEP
This one does.

ALISON
Good.

They start kissing again. This time, Alison pulls away.

ALISON
I'll be right back.

With some difficulty, she then pulls herself up off the bed and walks into the en suite, only partially closing the door behind her.

Sandeep sits up on the bed, clearly exhilarated by what he's about to do. His grin is a mile wide.

We, and then he, then becomes aware of a sound, a faint tapping and scraping sound. Sandeep looks around. It appears to be coming from the en suite. His curiosity provoked, he gets up off the bed and walks over to the door. He listens at the door for a second. He then hears a sniffing sound. Finally he pushes the door open.

Inside the en suite, Alison is sat on the toilet, facing the bowl's system. Her head is bent forward, and she is sniffing something. Hearing the door open, she turns her head to look at Sandee., as she does, we see lines on cocaineand a razor blade sitting on top of the system.

She smiles at him. Sandeep's face shows no emotion whatsoever. She gestures to the cocaine.

ALISON
Want a line?

Pause.

SANDEEP
Nah. Nah, I'm driving.

She smiles and nods, before turning back to the lines. Sandeep closes the door fully on this time.

He leans his back against the door and brings his hand up to his mouth. It sits there for a second, before he pushes himself away from the door and marches out of the room.

INT. ALISON'S living room- night

The party is still in full swing. Worse and Jason are standing by one of the windows, talking, drinking beer. Suddenly, Sandeep strides up to them.

SANDEEP
We have to go.

WORSE
Fucking Hell, you were quick.

SANDEEP
We have to go.

JASON
Can't we say goodbye to anybody?

SANDEEP
No.

JASON
Not even Tony?

SANDEEP
Definitely not.

INT. sandeep's car- night

The three guys are now in the car. Sandeep is driving, Jason has the front passenger seat, Worse is sitting in the back. They drive in silence for a moment.

WORSE
Well?

SANDEEP
What?

WORSE
Did you?

SANDEEP
Did I what?

WORSE
Did you break the land speed record using a tricycle? What do you think I'm talking about?! Did you fuck her?

Silence for a second. Then, Sandeep looks back at him with a wide grin.

SANDEEP
Course I did.

Worse punches the roof in celebration.

WORSE
Fuckin' YES!!! I knew it! I knew you would! I knew it was just a matter of time!

SANDEEP
I am not one to be doubted. You should know this by now. I set my sights on a goal, and I achieve.

WORSE
You weren't up their long, though.

SANDEEP
Quality, mate. Not quantity.

Worse grabs hold of his friend's shoulders and shakes them triumphantly. Sandeep then looks over at Jason. Jason is staring at him with disgust.

JASON
You're a terrible person.

Pause. Sandeep stares straight ahead. No longer smiling.

SANDEEP
I know.

Patron

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Re: New Scenes (Language Warning)
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2007, 07:42:36 AM »
Hi Techonfear;

I read your screenplay and wanted to offer some bits of advice. I can see where you are gong with the story and I think that you have a strong beginning.

One thing. Although you warned us of the strong words; it isn't so important for me but I can tell you that less is better. A producer will want to read less of the language and infer his own when neccesary. Also a good actor should know when to infer these words and how.

Second thing. When you describe a scene. First describe the location very directly, followed by the time and date if changed or is neccesary. After that give a bried scene of the action that lets the reader know what the basics are but let's if flow into the dialouge also. When describing sounds it's better to make the sound in a word with an exclamation. It really is the only time to use an exclamation but it helps so that you are not describing the sound which tends to run-on so to speak.

My humble opinion. I hope that this helps.

Sincerely,

Patron :)