Author Topic: start of a script  (Read 3812 times)

albo

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start of a script
« on: January 17, 2007, 11:08:42 AM »
This is something I have been playing around with - the start of a script I have been thinking of writing. I have no idea about the formats that scripts ought to be presented in but hopefully the gist won't be unobtainable! Let me know what you think...

Scene I

A man lies in a plush hotel bed, his arms behind his head. His chest revealed and naked. He cranes his head to look through to the en suite shower room. The shower is on and the outline of a very attractive female body can be seen through the screen and the steam. He smiles to himself. At peace.

The phone next to the bed rings.


MAN: Speaking. pause A problem? pause Well certainly, certainly. I'm... ah well, a little bit underdressed right now but as soon as I'm ready I'll be straight down. pause That's fine no problem at all. I'll see you in about twenty minutes then. Thank you. Goodbye.

He hangs up the phone and instantly his easy manner is gone. He gets out of the bed quietly, picks up the black suit and dark red shirt draped over a chair in the room and starts dressing quickly and silently glancing from time to time at the bathroom.

When dressed he slips out of the room checking the corridors for activity and taking great pains to close the door after himself as silently as he can. As he sneaks out of the hotel he takes a mobile out of his pocket, opens the back and takes out the sim card discarding it in a bin in a corridor. As he goes down the slightly grubby and almost never used fire stairs he takes a sim card out of a compartment of his wallet and puts it in the phone then turns the phone on. He checks the expensive looking watch on his wrist as he gets to the back fire doors. He pushes through them, triggering the hotel's alarm system and exits into an alleyway. He dials a number from memory and puts the phone to his ear.


MAN: Tony. It's me. pause Yeah well McGregor is finished. I need somebody new. pause well you're not getting three thousand. No more than one - five. McGregor lasted no more than a fucking week. I didn't have time... pause... no, no. Listen. It's one five. It's the best I can do and this one had better have some more life in it. pause Yeah. OK. Same as last time. I can be there tonight. Half Seven. pause OK.

He hangs up and walks out of the alleyway into a busy city street plunged into chaos by the evacuation of the large hotel. He looks back at it, sees the attractive woman from his room coming out the front door in a dressing gown as firemen start going in. He turns away and walks off into the city.

Scene II

Night has fallen over the city. The man stands in the light of a street lamp looking across the road at a dingy little bar. He crosses and enters. It is quiet and the few people in there barely register his entrance. The barman is one person who does. He looks at the man, then at a dim corner of the main room and nods. He looks back at the man who doesn't gesture back at him at all. Instead he goes to the corner the barman nodded towards where a fat man sits, waiting and watching the television that is playing above the bar.

MAN: Tony.

TONY: Alright. Take a seat. Take a fuckin load off mate. Want a drink? Somethin to eat? No?

The man sits and shakes his head.

TONY: Suit yourself, I'm getting another in. he looks over the mans shoulder and calls to the bar. OI JIM! ANOTHER PINT. AND TRY TO MAKE IT A LITTLE LESS FUCKIN WARM THIS TIME EH MATE!? he looks back at the man. So McGregor went to shit eh? Any bother? Any heat?

MAN: No. Clean break.

TONY: Yeah? Good, good... and did you manage to get much shifted? Everything running smooth on that end?

MAN: Not as much as I'd like. It's fine.

TONY: Feeling talkative tonight huh? Fine.

Tony takes a long draw on his pint, pauses for a moment and then continues.

TONY: Not as much as youd like? You know you're fuckin problem mate. And Ill tell you this for nothing. Free of charge. You love the flash life too much. I'm tellin you. Fuckin women and swanky hotels. Nothing wrong with the women mind but if it's woman you want I could save you a lot of fuckin money mate. Don't worry about that! If you'd just lay low a bit. Have a place seperate from your marks. Somewhere you can be yourself. It'd take the pressure off the fuckin cards. Maybe you'd last a bit longer then.

MAN: Maybe.

TONY: When was the last time you were yourself anyway? I mean what... that's been... fuck. It's been a while anyway. You'll fuckin forget your real name if your not careful mate! he barks a laugh at his own joke. I fuckin well have! he laughs some more. Ah well, here you go then.

He takes a brown envelope from next to him and puts it on the table between them.

TONY: Hello Mr Isaac White. You got the cash?

The man reaches inside his pocket brings out a smaller envelope and places it down on the table.

Offline ChipTee

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Re: start of a script
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2007, 12:12:42 PM »
Hi Albo, yours is a highly visual piece - an essential for a film script. I don't follow the verbal exchanges, but the visual pace kept me interested.
I wouldn't worry too much about format until later, then you will need to format it to standard if you want anyone in the industry to read it.
Formatting can be a pain unless you invest in software that does it automatically.
I usually just use Word, but sometimes it goes haywire and loses its marbles.
Keep at it
Chip

albo

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Re: start of a script
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2007, 06:12:15 AM »
Thanks Chip, the verbal exchanges would make more sense if you knew what the story was about - I should really have said that when I posted it! D'OH!

The story is about a man who is engaged with identity theft, he pays for identities (fake passports and cloned credit cards) and then gets credit, runs up bills and generally makes money from these identities. While the cards are still active (ie before the true person discovers their accounts are being plundered) he lives using their identities, presenting himself as the person whose credit cards he has bought.

The man buys a new identity, and in doing so buys a world of trouble...

Offline ChipTee

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Re: start of a script
« Reply #3 on: January 19, 2007, 05:47:10 AM »
Hi Albo, good story premise. Keep with it. Chip

Patron

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Re: start of a script
« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2007, 11:01:02 PM »
Hi albo;

Excellent work. I would not worry about structure. I have a excellent screenwriting software, but if you are not ready to use this than definetly don't worry about it. Keep writing though. Do you have a strong three act structure?

I can't wait to see more of this. Keep it up.

One thing I did notice. You will see later that for a producers sake, you will need to shorten your scene descriptions. I can help you with this when you are ready if you would like.

My humble opinion;

Sincerely,

Patron

Offline jeanette

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Re: start of a script
« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2007, 04:19:02 AM »
Hi Albo. Nice idea, adn I can easily visualise the whole thing. Looking forward to reading more  :)
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