Author Topic: I have a script...  (Read 2450 times)

Offline Ray Rider

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I have a script...
« on: January 16, 2007, 09:23:27 PM »
Hello, I have a script that I would people to review. Here's the 1st script page underneath here.







 THE BILLONAIRE,
THE WOMAN AND
THE RACE

By

Raymond H. McCormick







“THE BILLIONAIRE, THE WOMAN AND THE RACE”


   FADE IN:
   
   EXT. COUNTRY CLUB GOLF COURSE # 1 - DAY
   
Name of the Country Club is shown; cars are driving up to it and one is driving out of the country club entrance. It takes you to the tee off of the eighteenth hole on the golf course.

A camera people are recording the event for people to see it on television. The audience is on the side of the green.


AT THE BOOTH

COMMENTATOR #1
“Ladies and gentlemen we’re at the 18th hole here and (sport celebrity preferably a baseball player) is up to the tee. This could be it; if he gets a birdie that will put him in the lead and he can win the championship folks.”


COMMENTATOR#2
“He better hope he doesn’t choke like he did in his baseball days.”
 

AT THE 18TH HOLE

The sport celebrity is at the tee. The camera shows his hands, up to toward his face. The sport celebrity is looking (serious and attentive) onward down the field. Rest of the golfer and their cadies are in the background. The sport celebrity is getting ready to swing the club




SPORT CELEBRITY (CONT’D)
“Four!”

Sport Celebrity is swinging the club and hits the golf ball on the tee. The audience is clapping and the golf ball is in the air.

 
SPORT CELEBRITY
“Come on!”
                                           
                                                  COMMENTATOR #1
“A good take off for (nickname for the sport celebrity) ladies and gentlemen but let us see where it lands.”

                                                   COMMENTATOR #2
“Yeah that’s the whole point where it might land.”


The golf ball is landing on a sand trap


AT THE BOOTH

COMMENTATOR #2
“It looks like it was either the ball was gone with the wind or he made a bad swing (laughs).  I wonder if he brought his batting swing or his golf swing with him today.”


The sport celebrity is looking at the Commentator #2 like he’s going to punch him.


COMMENTATOR #1
“Remind you Tom and everyone else he is the (nickname for the sports celebrity).             


COMMENTATOR #2
(LAUGHING) “Well he sure wasn’t control of the air on that last swing. (LAUGHING)




(CONT’D)
The sport celebrity is shrugging his shoulder at the Commentator #2.


COMMENTATOR #2
“Whoa! Now let’s not get sue here buddy.”
                                                       
AT THE 18TH HOLE

                     BRANDON WILLARD THE 3RD
   “I believe it’s my turn.”
“Stand back this could get ugly.”


Brandon Willard the 3rd is going to the tee to put his golf ball on the tee and post himself to swing the golf club.


BRANDON WILLARD THE 3RD
  (Looking at the sport celebrity) “Give me room here. “Hey! Nobody is special you must be scared I’ll make at least a birdie; well that’s to bad buddy.”

                                     SPORT CELEBRITY
                          “Just swing the damn club will you.”

BRANDON WILLARD THE 3RD
“Hasty aren’t we I remember my dear O’ granddad use to say;” “Time is time and preparation is preparation let them fall in love with each other.”


SPORT CELEBRITY
(SIGH)


AT THE BOOTH

                                          COMMENTATOR #1
“This could be it ladies and gentleman. The biggest record of annual winnings anyone has place in history of the businessmen golf championship being set by this man Brandon Willard the 3rd.



(CONT’D)
Brandon Willard the 3rd is getting ready to swing at the golf ball on the tee. Willard the 3rd is pulling the club back and swings at the golf ball. The audience is clapping and everyone is looking at where the golf ball is going to go. 



AT THE BOOTH

COMMENTATOR #1
“Wow! What a swing! What a take-off! I mean Brandon Willard the 3rd has out did his performance from last year ladies and gentlemen.”

COMMENTATOR #2
“You’re such a ass kisser Scott.”


The golf ball lands a few feet away from the hole on the green of the 18th hole.


AT THE BOOTH


COMMENTATOR #1
“Game over ladies and gentlemen Brandon Willard the 3rd wins the annual businessmen golf championship. Congratulations, Brandon they don’t call it the great pass time for nothing.”


Brandon Willard the 3rd is raising his club up and is smiling walking to the stage. Female model is handing (Willard the 3rd) him the golf championship trophy. (Willard the 3rd) he is kissing her on the cheek and is thanking her.

Brandon Willard the 3rd is posing for a picture with the president of the event, a picture with the president of the event and the two female models and then with the two female models (no particular order though). One reporter is going to ask Brandon Willard the 3rd a question while he’s still on stage.

 
REPORTER AT THE COUNTRY CLUB (CONT’D)
“Excuse me Mr. Willard sir.”

BRANDON WILLARD THE 3RD
“Yes.”

REPORTER AT THE COUNTRY CLUB
“Are you going play in next year’s championship?”

BRANDON WILLARD THE 3RD 
(SIGH) “I’m still young at heart but retiring from the annual businessmen golf championship will be uncivilized now wouldn’t it?

 
People are laughing and Brandon Willard the 3rd is walking off the stage.


                          GOLFER #1
“Brandon? Damn it! Why don’t you give someone else the chance to win for a change?”

 GOLFER #2
“Yeah, you winning every year are getting out off hand.”

BRANDON WILLARD THE 3RD 
“Well, I got to win in something.”

 GOLFER #2
“Modest.”


(c). Raymond H. McCormick

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Re: I have a script...
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2007, 10:43:54 PM »
Hello Ray;

I read your screenplay. I have some things that I could point out but I was wondering first, how old you are, because some of these items that I could offer advice on may not apply right now.

The most important thing that does apply right now, is that if you have your story in your head and you can write it without an outline, just letting it pour out, than by all means keep writing. Write it until you are satisfied it is done. The other points can be clarified and corrected later on rewrites.

The most important thing is expressing your thoughts and just letthe words flow.

I hope this was some help, and I am sure you will have  :)a great story to tell.  I look forward to hearing more.

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