Author Topic: You're The One  (Read 2070 times)

Offline ~*skywriter*~

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You're The One
« on: January 14, 2007, 03:43:59 PM »
I've been looking for the right one,
I've been fighting for the real one,
But I can't help thinking it's you

Even though I'm still counting the knifes you stabbed in my back,
Still counting the times you lied,
But I run out of numbers every time

And I dont know what to do,
For some reason I just know it's you,
You're the one,
You're the one...

-------------------------------------------
feedback please :D

Offline CarrieSheppard

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Re: You're The One
« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2007, 03:54:10 PM »
Hi Skywriter.

Well, apart from suggesting you go 'introduce yourself' on the welcome board, I'd say this is an interesting first post.

'knives' not 'knifes' is the correct plural.  This is quite short (no criticism) and the 'punch' is there - but I feel there's loads more to be said and not included.  Almost like its half a song, actually.

Carrie




Offline ~*skywriter*~

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Re: You're The One
« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2007, 04:02:14 PM »
im not new ive been a member for awhile i just havent been on for awhile

Lin

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Re: You're The One
« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2007, 05:07:15 PM »
Yes I felt there was something missing here.   It was too quick to end you should have another verse before this one to round things off. tell us more.  I felt it was rather disconnected.

And I dont know what to do,
For some reason I just know it's you,
You're the one,
You're the one...

Lin

Offline R. L. Copple

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Re: You're The One
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2007, 06:26:07 AM »
Seems that second stanza could use some more descriptive imagery. Too much triteness there.

Content wise, I do think this needs another stanza to connect us emotionally to the girl's connection with him. As this stands, this seems to represent an abusive/passive relationship. That "somehow" she feels he is the one despite not being able to trust a word that comes out of his mouth just boggles my mind. I know women do that, and live with it, but it still makes no sense. So I'm not real fond of the message.

But, that's your message, and this sort of works, yet sort of doesn't. I think it is that disconnected thing, maybe due to my not feeling like this should be a valid feeling she is having. So it doesn't ring true to me. Others who are in that, it might I suppose.

Offline Johnorman

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Re: You're The One
« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2007, 06:01:34 AM »
SkyRider
I am not a regular writer of critiques, so be gentle.
I felt in this poetry:
The frustration of knowing there is a "right one" The fighting to retain your conviction
in spite of some attractive second-bests.

First line of the second stanza I would have pruned, i thought it wordy.

"The last stanza to me is a cry for strength to hold on. For someone to say -
Yes, this is the one."
You need it to be the one.
Johnorman
(Jack)








I've been looking for the right one,
I've been fighting for the real one,
But I can't help thinking it's you

Even though I'm still counting the knifes you stabbed in my back,
Still counting the times you lied,
But I run out of numbers every time

And I dont know what to do,
For some reason I just know it's you,
You're the one,
You're the one.
Not being normal is great.

Offline SECRETSINWOOD

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Re: You're The One
« Reply #6 on: November 21, 2009, 01:40:23 AM »
Create a new poem book. Sounds as if that post you had some bad things happened in your life. Sorry to hear that. here is one of my first poems:

Mom
I see my actions
In my past
washed ashore,
laying dead,
all the remains,
have no worth,
except
the body they came from.


Here is another:

"How quiet is the night"
How quiet is the night,
when your sitting all by yourself,
not a dropped in makes a sound,
nor the falling dust on a shelf.

Here is another:

"yet Another Nature"
How is it said,
we ar enot fed,
by cuelity amongst ourselves?

we all do feed into sadistict nature
cajoled becasue of features.
Cruelity, hash as can be
only in ourselves is it recognized and seen,
thoughin a group on common land,
we segregate from normality on view points where we do stand.

... it is much longer, about five mintues, yet I can recite it and had written it a number of years back. What do you think?
Your poem you wrote, I really understand what that means insdie a person. too, you mentioned kinves, I like knives myself. If my MOm had a set on her the day she was shot she would of gutted the guy from his stomach all the way to his throat. He wouldn't let her keep her kinves, that is waht she told me. Yet he had a gun, she was married to him, a private wedding where he didn't want anyone to know. He had me removed from his house by gun point, yet I talked my way through his pointed gun, then the cops woke me up on the couch the next morning, persons cops, I grew up with. A week later my Mom was shot and passed away, April 1990. I miss her.
I trusted some persons I though were cool one time before as well. they stole my TCF bank account information and put me in debt to the bank when my back was turned. They also stole information from my society that wasn't any of their business. I rented there, had to keepmy books safe from water and the elements. They wrecked the covers of my books and stole pieces of paper that they shouldn't had stolen. So, I know wha tit is like to be stabbed in the back by persons you thought you could trust. Yet there had only been a couple, now it is a different story for them. I am global myself....