Author Topic: Your thoughts please!  (Read 1163 times)

Offline Nikki Orb

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Your thoughts please!
« on: January 07, 2007, 04:22:14 PM »
Abby looked at the digital clock by the side of her bed.  It was 5:32.  She didn’t think she’d slept a wink all night.  Normally she believed in taking the start of any day by the horns and tackling it head on.  But not today.  Today all she could think about was the funeral waiting that morning.  Her Dads.  She’d dealt with all of it.  Her Aunty Patricia was too upset.  The news of her brothers death had destroyed her and she had been staying at home lost in grief.

Abby hadn’t had that luxury.  Her agenda for the past few days had consisted of ordering flowers, meeting with Jack to finalise the funeral arrangements and answering phone calls from friends she had forgotten to call back and who had heard through the grapevine.  This made her feel dreadful as if they weren’t worthy enough for a call to inform them of the tragic news.  In reality, she wouldn’t know if anyone took offence due to the fact that a lot of people had now taken to walking on egg shells around her.

That’s something Alex wasn’t doing.  He’d tried his hardest to keep to a routine at home.  He cooked tea every night, put the washing machine on and, god bless him, cleaned the bathroom.  He kept her sane.  There’s only so much you can do to put off the inevitable though, Abby thought as she walked down the now familiar corridor towards her Mums ward.  She’d gotten to know the paintings on the wall, the faces of the reception staff and the Muriel that the kids of St Johns School had made.  That marked half way she’d worked out between the car and her Mum.  Another useful distraction she had come up with.

“What are you doing here?” Brian the staff nurse said to her. 
“Just thought I’d check everything is still OK for later.” 
“A phone call would have done that – yes your Mum will be there.  Stop worrying and go home you’ve got a tough enough time as it is today.  Let us at least take care of this for you.  We’ve got Sandy doing overtime for this you know.  Now go before I have to have security march you out!”

“You’d love that really” Abby said sarcastically as she summonsed up just enough energy to crack a joke with him about his overtly camp ways.  “Hop it!”

Brian definitely had something about him that immediately put you at ease.  He might as well be working in a hairdressers with the gossip and scandal he talks about.  But the ward is a better place for it.  She dreaded to think what sordid stories he’d been telling her Mum while changing her dressings and bringing her dinner.  She still couldn’t communicate yet, but he was convinced that everyone can hear even in a state like that.  Apparently tales of his ex boyfriend, James, being publicly humiliated by the guy who he left Brian for, gave them faith that there is still some hope and justice in the world.

            *************************

It was 11.03.  “They’re late” Abby said.  “They’ll be here”, Alex told her.  She had been ready and waiting at the front window for half an hour worried they might be early.  But they were late.  “The Vicar will be waiting, the food will go off” she fretted.  “The Church will have other bookings we’ll miss our slot.  I’m going to ring the Vicar and tell him…”  “Abs – they’re here.”  The hearse pulled up at the bottom of the path and her heart sank.  “It’s all wrong!” she cried.  Alex started to go to comfort her but she didn’t stop.  “The flowers – they’re all wrong – I asked for white lilies not yellow ones.  Why would my Dad want yellow ones?”

“I’m sure your Dad wont mind.”  “Well I do” she said storming out of the living room and out the front door.  Alex went to get the door keys and met a heap of yellow lilies on the doorstep.  “I know that woman’s got problems but she’ll have an even bigger one when I see her.  For the love of God did she not listen to a word I said?”  The coffin looked lonely now lay in the hearse with the absence of any flowers surrounding it.  All but for a display in the shape of a football depicting Dads passion for his blessed team it was alone.  Alex looked up to the heavens wanting to communicate to his late Father in Law asking for his forgiveness for the lack of flowers.  ‘It wasn’t intentional, and we are not being stingy’ he said in his mind, ‘it’s just yellow lilies were not to be’.  They helped Aunty Patricia into the car and climbed in themselves each looking out of the window as it pulled away at a slow speed.  Benji had jumped up to the window almost saluting his master on his final journey.

Offline bob414bob

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Re: Your thoughts please!
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2007, 05:01:02 PM »
Hi, well done for plucking up the courage to post your work. I've highlighted a few points where I think it needs a bit more work. As it is now, its a bit to much tell but not enough showing, you need to put a bit more emotion into it. I also think if it would be better if you added some movement to the speaking. Please remember that these are only my views so ignore anything that you don't agree with.
Also when you post your work it makes it easier to read if you put all new speech on a new line. Well done.

Abby looked at the digital clock by the side of her bed.  It was 5:32. She didn’t think she’d sleptHer body felt heavy, as if she hadn't slept a wink all night.  Normally she believed in taking the start of any day by the horns and tackling it head on.  But not today.  Today all she could think about was the funeral waiting that morning.  Her Dads.  She’d dealt with all of it.  Her Aunt Patricia was too upset.  The news of her brothers death had destroyed her and she had been staying at home lost in grief.The last line confused me at first because I thought you meant Abby's brother was dead. Maybe change the full stop to a coma, so the reader knows your still talking about Aunty Patrica.

Abby hadn’t had that luxury.  Her agenda for the past few days had consisted of ordering flowers, meeting with Jack to finalise the funeral arrangements and answering phone calls from friends she had forgotten to call back and who had heard through the grapevine.  This made her feel dreadful as if they weren’t worthy enough for a call to inform them of the tragic news.  In reality, she wouldn’t know if anyone took offence due to the fact that a lot of people had now taken to walking on egg shells around her.

That’s something Alex wasn’t doing.  He’d tried his hardest to keep to a routine at home.  He cooked tea every night, put the washing machine on and, god bless him, cleaned the bathroom.  He kept her sane.  There’s only so much you can do to put off the inevitable though, Abby thought as she walked down the now familiar corridor towards her Mums ward.  She’d gotten to know the paintings on the wall, the faces of the reception staff and the Muriel that the kids of St Johns School had made.  That marked half way she’d worked out between the car and her Mum.  Another useful distraction she had come up with.

“What are you doing here?” Brian the staff nurse said to her. 
“Just thought I’d check everything is still OK for later.” 
“A phone call would have done that – yes your Mum will be there.  Stop worrying and go home you’ve got a tough enough time as it is today.  Let us at least take care of this for you.  We’ve got Sandy doing overtime for this you know.  Now go before I have to have security march you out!”

“You’d love that really” Abby said sarcastically as she summoned up just enough energy to crack a joke with him about his overtly camp ways.  “Hop it!”

Brian definitely had something about him that immediately put you at ease.  He might as well be working in a hairdressers with the gossip and scandal he talks about.  But the ward is a better place for it.  She dreaded to think what sordid stories he’d been telling her Mum while changing her dressings and bringing her dinner.  She still couldn’t communicate yet, but he was convinced that everyone can hear even in a state like that.  Apparently tales of his ex boyfriend, James, being publicly humiliated by the guy who he left Brian for, gave them faith that there is still some hope and justice in the world.

            *************************

It was 11.03.   Abby checked her watch for the second time. "It's 11.03, They’re late” Abby said. 
“They’ll be here”, Alex told her, as he gently touched her arm.   She had been ready and waiting at the front window for half an hour worried they might be early.  But they were late.  “The Vicar will be waiting, the food will go off” she fretted.You don't need  to write fretted as you've shown it.   “The Church will have other bookings we’ll miss our slot.  I’m going to ring the Vicar and tell him…”
 “Abs – they’re here.” 
The hearse pulled up at the bottom of the path and her heart sank.
 “It’s all wrong!” she cried.said as a tear slipped down her cheek
Alex started to go to comfort her but she didn’t stop.
 “The flowers – they’re all wrong – I asked for white lilies not yellow ones.  Why would my Dad want yellow ones?”

“I’m sure your Dad wont mind.” 
“Well I do” she said storming out of the living room and out the front door.  Alex went to get the door keys and met a heap of yellow lilies on the doorstep.
 “I know that woman’s got problems but she’ll have an even bigger one when I see her.  For the love of God did she not listen to a word I said?”  I wasn't sure who 'that woman' is in the last line.
The coffin looked lonely now lay in the hearse with the absence of any flowers surrounding it.  All but for a display in the shape of a football depicting Dads passion for his blessed team it was alone.  Alex looked up to the heavens wanting to communicate to his late Father in Law asking for his forgiveness for the lack of flowers.
 ‘It wasn’t intentional, and we are not being stingy’ he said in his mind, ‘it’s just yellow lilies were not to be’. 
They helped Aunt Patricia into the car and climbed in themselves each looking out of the window as it pulled away at a slow speed.  Benji had jumped up to the window almost saluting his master on his final journey.
 

Offline Katinka

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Re: Your thoughts please!
« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2007, 07:18:32 PM »
Hi Norbi,
I agree with Bob, I think he gave you some good advice, I can't do any better. I questioned a couple of times who the different characters were  that popped up by name only.
Remember, build character, create conflict that ends in crisis and lastly, conclusion or solutions.
CCCC
kat

 

Offline amalia

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Re: Your thoughts please!
« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2007, 03:12:18 AM »
This is good. The punctuation needs looking at to avoid confusion as pointed out already.

"the reception staff and the Muriel that the kids of St Johns School had made" What's a Muriel? Is it another word for a mural or a made up word by your character?

This kept my attention and I was thinking "poor Abby!"

Keep writing...

Offline johno

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Re: Your thoughts please!
« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2007, 05:12:43 AM »
I enjoyed reading it. 
I do agree with the others though.  sentences (at times), seem to loose flow.
I dreamt I was a butterfly, and when I woke, I wasn't sure I wasn't dreaming then.

Offline fett80

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Re: Your thoughts please!
« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2007, 11:41:20 PM »
Hey there,

a good read, Abby's personality really seems to come through.

A few thoughts:

"In reality, she wouldn’t know if anyone took offence due to the fact that a lot of people had now taken to walking on egg shells around her."  -  I liked this line.

There’s only so much you can do to put off the inevitable though, Abby thought  -  I think this would need quotations.

"That marked half way she’d worked out between the car and her Mum."  -  This sentence sounded a little odd to me.

"Stop worrying and go home you’ve got a tough enough time as it is today."  -  A period may be needed here.

"It’s all wrong!” she cried.  Alex started to go to comfort her but she didn’t stop.  “The flowers – they’re all wrong – I asked for white lilies not yellow ones.  Why would my Dad want yellow ones?"  -  I like how this conveyed the stress that the main character is starting to feel.

Also, there are spots where separate paragraphs are needed for the dialogue between characters.