Hi Andromedus. I think this is very much worth using. I differ a bit from Clarius in that I thought the depiction of the mc hinted at an interesting character - or at least an interesting past. It's hard to flesh out a fully-formed mc in the first 829 words (though it can definitely be done - Holden Caufield comes to mind), but, for me, at least, you succeeded in setting up a character and a world I want to know more about.
My issues were more with word choice and punctuation in some places. I'll offer my suggestions here, fwiw. My word suggestions are in bold. [warning: I get really, um, involved:)]
-
Life is suffering each day; Living is enduring that suffering with a purpose. Is this a quotation from real life? If not, I'd take out the "each day."
-
It was rather confined and quite bare of possessions.-
He focused on the four concrete walls of his studio apartment...-
Well, not his apartment ... Italicize "his" - I was confused at first - thought it meant he was not actually looking at his apartment. had to go back. Italicization will fix this.
-
It missed the warmth of a real human. Change "missed" to "lacked" maybe?
-
But talking with an actual person, unheard of these days. Did you mean "But talking with a real person? Unheard of these days." OR "But talking with a real person was unheard of these days." As is, it's just too ungrammatical for me
-
Remiel let out a quiet huff of breath. "Quiet huff" is not working for me. Maybe just use "sighed" or something else - not sure what mood or reaction you were trying to convey (weariness, aggravation, anger, soul-sickness...)
-
It didn’t make sense for Remiel to lie, but his answer felt like it betrayed what he had experienced. This is kind of confusing, but I don't have an ideas for a fix that might not mess up your meaning - and I think your meaning here is really important!
-
turned his attention to the walls once again.-
Being told to be more positive, well, that was one of the things Remiel hated the most. -
...as if helping to holding back an outburst.-
As much as he wanted to let loose on the AI for minimizing what he was experiencing, his own a dark voice inside him agreed with the AI her. Don't know if you want to use "dark voice" twice, but "his own" and "inside him" are redundant. I think using dark voice twice is fine, personally.
-
In the immediate moment with the AI Remiel wasn’t falling apart, he wasn't wracked with the power of his darkness. The comma here doesn't work. You could use an em dash or a semicolon or a period and start a new sentence with "At least he wasn't ..." - or something.
-
...the aim of the Imperium is for the collective good rather than the lesser needs of a single individual. I think "lesser" is implied here? You might change a ("a single individual) to "any" to strengthen the implication. It just occurred to me that the word "aim" wants a verb clause so you could add a verb in front of "the collective good" (like "to protect" or "to enhance" ... I'm sure you can think of something better) OR you could change "aim" to something like "focus" (but better than that:) that doesn't need a verb clause.
-
How could he justify explaining his struggles ... Consider changing "explaining" to "complaining about" or just "talking about"
-
Could it be it was his selfish focus on himself that Was it just his selfishness that propelled this debilitating weight inside him?-
Were others just better at dealing with this than Remiel he was? We're inside his head - he wouldn't use his own name.
-
...was quickly eroded away when it came time to face the mental and emotional beast devouring him inside. Possibly replace "mental and emotional" with something other descriptor (like "self-loathing?"), but I feel like those are too "explain-y" It might be obvious that the beast is himself - his own psychological pain, or whatever - without any descriptor at all. You could try it both ways.
-
..weekly goals we discussed earlier...-
The image of the woman smiled and disappeared, replaced by five stars, spinning in the air. Five stars replaced her, spinning in the air." -
The whole point of the reintegration program was to assist and ease the process of soldiers shifting back to civilian status. Instead, Remiel walked away discouraged and angry. I don't think you should reveal that he was a soldier here. To me, it would be better bring up his background in the next chapter, or later. The reader wonders what exactly is going on here and wants to find out, so don't show those cards already, imo. You'll just have to play around with rewriting the last bit of that paragraph.
As I said, I really liked this and would want to read on, so definitely keep at it. Agree with Clarius that your world-building is good right out of the gate. I thought the voice of the AI was convincing - warm, but robotic. You very efficiently set up that Remiel has been at this a long time. I like the name Remiel for fantasy/sci-fi - congrats on that because it's *really* hard to come up with a name that doesn't sound ripped from the pages of Tolkien and/or just silly. I thought the scene flowed nicely - it felt complete to me.
Anyway, well done. Oh - as a newbie here, please let me know if this level of critique is helpful or overwhelming. I'd love tips on how to do this better.
Cheers!
