Author Topic: Asking for feedback on query for my novel (Urban Fantasy, 101K words)  (Read 76 times)

Offline yutan

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
Hi,

I would be grateful for feedback on the query for my urban fantasy novel (101,000 words).

--------

Dear Agent,

In 630, a monk mistakenly sent Ramlee’s friend to Hell.

In 21st century Singapore, Ramlee operates an IT shop during the day and volunteers at senior citizen care centers during the night, in order to look for his friend’s reincarnation. After more than a thousand years of fruitless search, he is running out of patience.

To make things worse, his employee at the IT shop turns out to be a protector spirit of Singapore. A nosy one, too. Pointing out how each and every old folk Ramlee has interacted with seemed to mysteriously drop dead within the space of a week, Ms. Lian threatens to report her finding to the higher-ups in Heaven.

Ramlee does not relish the prospect of being dragged back to his old life as a goldfish in the Goddess of Mercy’s little garden pond. More importantly, he cannot afford to leave Singapore, for Mister Innkeeper will only be reborn among a particular clan that dwells in that island nation.

As he mulls over what to do, he finds a talking puppet in a long-neglected suitcase. It claims to be the original target of the monk’s quarry, another long-lost acquaintance whom Ramlee bitterly blames for the incident that sent Mister Innkeeper to Hell.

Azure the Puppeteer tries to explain how he ends up inside a hand-sized puppet, but Ramlee has enough problems of his own to care.

At 101,000 words, THE HUNT FOR THE BLUE LION is an adult urban fantasy rooted in East Asian mythology. With settings that range from 7th century Turpan to modern-day Berlin, it tells from multiple points of view how the protagonists deal with the fallout of a 1400-year-old mishap.

--------

Thanks in advance for your time.
« Last Edit: April 27, 2022, 11:47:04 PM by yutan »

Offline Miss Waterlow

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 8
Hi yutan. This sounds like a crazy, fun, very original story. As for the query letter, I'm really not an expert, but have read a lot about them and worked very hard on my own. I think yours is a bit too long and detailed. You're trying to fit in all the fun, quirky parts, which I totally understand, but it gets confusing in this super-condensed form.

Here are a few of my thoughts. I hope they help!

- I think you'd do best to start the letter with the last paragraph, then flesh it out.

- I didn't understand that Mister Innkeeper is the friend until I'd read more and pieced it together. The name came out of nowhere. If you're going to use the friend's name (you don't really need to in this synopsis, I think), make it clear who he is from the beginning.

- Ramlee does not relish the prospect of being dragged back to his old life as a goldfish in the Goddess of Mercy’s little garden pond.  I love this line and, even though it's pretty detailed, you should definitely leave it in.

- he cannot afford to leave Singapore I thought you meant literally cannot afford it - as in, doesn't have enough money. Could just say "he can't leave Singapore

- To make things worse, his employee at the IT shop turns out to be a protector spirit of Singapore. A nosy one, too. Pointing out how each and every old folk Ramlee has interacted with seemed to mysteriously drop dead within the space of a week, Ms. Lian threatens to report her finding to the higher-ups in Heaven.  I would restructure this sentence a bit: To make things worse, his employee at the IT shop, Ms. Lian, turns out to be a protector spirit of Singapore. A nosy one, too. When she notices how every old person Ramlee has  interacted with seemed to mysteriously die within the space of a week, she threatens to report her finding to the higher-ups in Heaven.

- More importantly, But he cannot afford to leave Singapore, for Mister Innkeeper [or use his friend] will only be reborn among a particular clan that dwells in on that island nation. My suggestions in bold.

- As he mulls over what to do, he Meanwhile, Ramlee finds a talking puppet in a long-neglected suitcase.

Good luck! Your story really sounds fun.