Author Topic: A poetic article  (Read 231 times)

Offline chrissponias

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A poetic article
« on: December 06, 2021, 07:52:45 PM »
Hi, I wrote a poetic article and I would like to have your feedback because English is not my mother language.
Here it is:

https://vocal.media/journal/mindfulness-challenge?utm_campaign=Your%20story%20has%20been%20approved&utm_medium=Email&utm_source=Sendgrid

Offline Heartsongsdiary

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Re: A poetic article
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2021, 08:53:58 PM »
Hi, I wrote a poetic article and I would like to have your feedback because English is not my mother language.
Here it is:

https://vocal.media/journal/mindfulness-challenge?utm_campaign=Your%20story%20has%20been%20approved&utm_medium=Email&utm_source=Sendgrid


I generate despair, betrayal, and distance, but nobody believes in my importance.

Nobody pays attention to everything I ruin and destroy for endless years. Nobody fears the tragic consequences of my existence.

Could you guess my name?

My name is indifference.


People are indifferent for many reasons. I have found that ones experiences are responsible for creating feelings of despair and betrayal. Just my feeling about indifference and what creates feelings of despair, betrayal, and other human feelings.
Some learn from their experiences and move on with their lives. Others lag behind trying to figure out 'why me' and let experiences rob him/her of reaching their fullest potential as an individual and as a human being.

The reason nothing changes is simple....many are living daily in their own little worlds...and they have no need for change. The world today is run by an elite few...who lack understanding as to the average person's ability to make decisions that are beneficial to them or society as a whole.[Again, just my opinion]   

Thank you for sharing the link to your writing.    jt

Be who you are...not everyone will like you but those that matter will. jt

Offline chrissponias

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Re: A poetic article
« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2021, 11:12:33 AM »
I feel somehow insecure when I write a literary and philosophical article because my English is not perfect. I write in Portuguese very well and I can see the difference. Since I'm Brazilian, Portuguese is my favorite language, and I like its rhythm.

I like English too because it is a melodic language, but I live in Greece and I donít like the Greek language. It is too dry and the words are too long. Itís very hard to write something poetic in Greek.

Did you like the way I wrote this poetic article?

And, was it a problem because I posted the articleís link instead of writing it directly here?

I think that itís better to post links, this way other writers cannot copy my work and send it to some site as if it was their work.

And if the article is not so good, it can be edited.

Thank you for replying!


Offline Heartsongsdiary

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Re: A poetic article
« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2021, 11:05:42 PM »
I feel somehow insecure when I write a literary and philosophical article because my English is not perfect. I write in Portuguese very well and I can see the difference. Since I'm Brazilian, Portuguese is my favorite language, and I like its rhythm.

I like English too because it is a melodic language, but I live in Greece and I donít like the Greek language. It is too dry and the words are too long. Itís very hard to write something poetic in Greek.

Did you like the way I wrote this poetic article?

And, was it a problem because I posted the articleís link instead of writing it directly here?

I think that itís better to post links, this way other writers cannot copy my work and send it to some site as if it was their work.

And if the article is not so good, it can be edited.

Thank you for replying!

I don't mind clicking on a link to a writer's  work. I believe your poetic article reflects what you were trying to put words too.  Best of luck with your writing.     jt
Be who you are...not everyone will like you but those that matter will. jt

Offline chrissponias

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Re: A poetic article
« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2021, 09:27:28 AM »
I know that the message was comprehensible, but I wanted to learn more about the way I wrote this poetic article.

I was hoping to discuss about it, but other authors didnít criticize it. I think that the end is good, but the beginning of the article not so good.

Anyway, thank you for replying!

Offline Heartsongsdiary

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Re: A poetic article
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2021, 12:41:14 PM »
I know that the message was comprehensible, but I wanted to learn more about the way I wrote this poetic article.

I was hoping to discuss about it, but other authors didnít criticize it. I think that the end is good, but the beginning of the article not so good.

Anyway, thank you for replying!

This is your poetic work, with the changes I would make.
Sometimes a subject touches our heart in such a way that  longing to convey its meaning to others we sometimes over word what we write.  I hope you continue to write about the important part each of us are to making the world a better place.   jt

Iím the  reason the insane world  remains the same,
no matter how much desire  there is for change

A change for the better must be taken seriously.
To help create a better world, as individuals,
we must act honorably in our dealings with others.

All transformations, revolutions, and inventions
happen when one or more individuals decide to make
change in the world- be it a change for the worse
or a change for the better.

This means that each of us have inside the ability
and the power to bring about change, in our life
and in the lives of others.

I will give you a few clues to help you discover my
identity and understand why you must do everything
you can to make me disappear.

In a world ruled by violence, selfishness, greed,
and immorality I donít seem to be harmful, yet,
the truth is that I should provoke worries and fear.

Iím responsible for every conflict, even though
nobody sees my guilt.

I seem to be a neutral attitude; an unimportant reaction
that doesnít deserve to be analyzed and blamed.
The irony because the fact that I donít let anyone do
anything to improve the world is more than tragic.

If you will think about how many people suffer
without consolation you will surely realize that
something must be done without delay.

The basic modification of the cruel world should be
everyoneís purpose, but my existence doesnít
let anyone understand that they are important
enough to help create change.

Nobody believes that Iím so terrible, but it
should make everyone very sad because I exist.

Humanity should feel ashamed for being controlled
by me every day, and assume the responsibility
to make the world a better place.

Iím the lack of attempts, the lack of work, and the
lack of congruence in everyoneís behavior.
Everyone wants to be happy but I block their way ,
by feeding them negative thoughts.

Iím responsible for numerous horrors.
Iím the absence of meaning, the absence of
feelings, and the absence of colors.

I seem to be an innocent defense, but I'm an
absurd and misleading pretense.

I generate ridiculous attitudes and conclusions
that make no sense.

Iím responsible for what is insensible, subjective,
unfair, pathetic, and incomprehensible.

However, in a world where only a few understand
the importance  of sensitivity and goodness,
I seem to be indispensable.

I'm a dangerous mental illness;a hidden
evilness, lacking the ability to  feel compassion
 and forgiveness.

I generate wars and I spread hypocrisy,
as I hide myself behind individual rights
and false democracy.

Everyone believes that I donít play any
role in the crazy world because everyone
is blinded by their own self-centered-ness.

How can everyone be so irrational, insensitive,
and superficial throughout the human history?

This is a scary mystery because Iím too am
absurd and too sick.

I'm an abnormal attitude before the pain of
the poor and the weak.
I'm the lack of cooperation and the lack of
assistance.
I generate obstacles, labyrinths, and dead ends.
I represent cowardice and injustice.

Besides being cold and cruel, I seem to be
insignificant and innocent.

Why is everyone so misled by my disguised
appearance?

I should be condemned and eliminated
instead of being disregarded or justified.

I generate despair, betrayal, and distance,
but nobody believes in my importance.

Nobody pays attention to everything I ruin
and destroy for endless years.
Nobody fears the tragic consequences of
my existence.

I have lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.

can you guess my name?

My name is indifference.
Be who you are...not everyone will like you but those that matter will. jt

Offline chrissponias

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Re: A poetic article
« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2021, 02:37:00 PM »
Thank you very much for your analysis! You helped me understand how I can write better articles.

I liked these modifications:

Iím the reason the insane world remains the same,
no matter how much desire there is for change.
.........

In a world ruled by violence, selfishness, greed,
and immorality I donít seem to be harmful, yet,
the truth is that I should provoke worries and fear.
................

The basic modification of the cruel world should be
everyoneís purpose, but my existence doesnít
let anyone understand that they are important
enough to help create change.
.......................

I think that your style is kind and my style is somehow aggressive.

Next time I will post here my poetic articles while Iím creating them because the process is different when we change a few words and their style.



Offline Heartsongsdiary

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Re: A poetic article
« Reply #7 on: December 09, 2021, 02:51:22 PM »
Thank you very much for your analysis! You helped me understand how I can write better articles.

I liked these modifications:

Iím the reason the insane world remains the same,
no matter how much desire there is for change.
.........

In a world ruled by violence, selfishness, greed,
and immorality I donít seem to be harmful, yet,
the truth is that I should provoke worries and fear.
................

The basic modification of the cruel world should be
everyoneís purpose, but my existence doesnít
let anyone understand that they are important
enough to help create change.
.......................

I think that your style is kind and my style is somehow aggressive.

Next time I will post here my poetic articles while Iím creating them because the process is different when we change a few words and their style.

I am glad I could help. Changing a few words or a few lines  can make a big difference in the final writing of an article or poem.   Thank you for sharing your writing.   jt
Be who you are...not everyone will like you but those that matter will. jt

Offline Heartsongsdiary

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    • Jan Tetstone's Poetry Diary
Re: A poetic article
« Reply #8 on: December 09, 2021, 02:59:27 PM »
This is your poetic work, with the changes I would make.
Sometimes a subject touches our heart in such a way that  longing to convey its meaning to others we sometimes over word what we write.  I hope you continue to write about the important part each of us are to making the world a better place.   jt

Iím the  reason the insane world  remains the same,
no matter how much desire  there is for change

A change for the better must be taken seriously.
To help create a better world, as individuals,
we must act honorably in our dealings with others.

All transformations, revolutions, and inventions
happen when one or more individuals decide to make
change in the world- be it a change for the worse
or a change for the better.

This means that each of us have inside the ability
and the power to bring about change, in our life
and in the lives of others.

I will give you a few clues to help you discover my
identity and understand why you must do everything
you can to make me disappear.

In a world ruled by violence, selfishness, greed,
and immorality I donít seem to be harmful, yet,
the truth is that I should provoke worries and fear.

Iím responsible for every conflict, even though
nobody sees my guilt.

I seem to be a neutral attitude; an unimportant reaction
that doesnít deserve to be analyzed and blamed.
The irony because the fact that I donít let anyone do
anything to improve the world is more than tragic.

If you will think about how many people suffer
without consolation you will surely realize that
something must be done without delay.

The basic modification of the cruel world should be
everyoneís purpose, but my existence doesnít
let anyone understand that they are important
enough to help create change.

Nobody believes that Iím so terrible, but it
should make everyone very sad because I exist.

Humanity should feel ashamed for being controlled
by me every day, and assume the responsibility
to make the world a better place.

Iím the lack of attempts, the lack of work, and the
lack of congruence in everyoneís behavior.
Everyone wants to be happy but I block their way ,
by feeding them negative thoughts.

Iím responsible for numerous horrors.
Iím the absence of meaning, the absence of
feelings, and the absence of colors.

I seem to be an innocent defense, but I'm an
absurd and misleading pretense.

I generate ridiculous attitudes and conclusions
that make no sense.

Iím responsible for what is insensible, subjective,
unfair, pathetic, and incomprehensible.

However, in a world where only a few understand
the importance  of sensitivity and goodness,
I seem to be indispensable.

I'm a dangerous mental illness;a hidden
evilness, lacking the ability to  feel compassion
 and forgiveness.

I generate wars and I spread hypocrisy,
as I hide myself behind individual rights
and false democracy.

Everyone believes that I donít play any
role in the crazy world because everyone
is blinded by their own self-centered-ness.

How can everyone be so irrational, insensitive,
and superficial throughout the human history?

This is a scary mystery because Iím too am
absurd and too sick.

I'm an abnormal attitude before the pain of
the poor and the weak.
I'm the lack of cooperation and the lack of
assistance.
I generate obstacles, labyrinths, and dead ends.
I represent cowardice and injustice.

Besides being cold and cruel, I seem to be
insignificant and innocent.

Why is everyone so misled by my disguised
appearance?

I should be condemned and eliminated
instead of being disregarded or justified.

I generate despair, betrayal, and distance,
but nobody believes in my importance.

Nobody pays attention to everything I ruin
and destroy for endless years.
Nobody fears the tragic consequences of
my existence.

I have lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.

can you guess my name?

My name is indifference.

I wanted to add: The world needs more writers like you.Apparently, the spammer on today...doesn't like the message your writing sends out.    Thank you again for sharing.   jt
Be who you are...not everyone will like you but those that matter will. jt

Offline chrissponias

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Re: A poetic article
« Reply #9 on: December 09, 2021, 05:46:39 PM »
Thank you for your kind words!

Offline Heartsongsdiary

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Re: A poetic article
« Reply #10 on: December 09, 2021, 06:08:27 PM »
You are welcome. It's a nice change, reading your writing. It's both, negative and positive, at the same time.
Anytime I can be of help to you with your writing, please, feel free to let me know. jt
« Last Edit: December 09, 2021, 09:25:50 PM by Heartsongsdiary »
Be who you are...not everyone will like you but those that matter will. jt