Author Topic: The City  (Read 116 times)

Offline Soph

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 4
The City
« on: October 22, 2021, 09:23:47 PM »
The City

Nothing like the city
Bright lights
Crowded sideways
Skyscrapers
The coffee shops
The restaurants
The kids playing at downtown
You can hear them screaming
You can hear them laughing
You can hear them crying
You can see them hugging
You can see them fighting
But it's all in the city
Where lost souls wonder around
Maybe they can try and be found
But they got nowhere to run
Cause the city is big
Cruel and
Dark...


Can you guys rate my poem please and give me feedback if you can. Thanks <3

Offline Desiderio Paz

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 173
Re: The City
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2021, 11:49:26 AM »
I made a few notes in red to change the sound and to provide a definite closure to the thought of the poem. I'm lost at the transition I highlighted in blue. Do the kids age and become lost souls? Or are the lost souls a subset of the adult population? Would it be correct to change the "but" line to "But it's also in the city"? I found this to be an entertaining poem with good imagery.

Nothing like the city
Bright lights
Crowded sideways
Skyscrapers
The coffee shops
The restaurants
The kids playing at downtown
You can hear them screaming
You can hear them laughing
Crying, hugging, fighting
But it's all in the city
Where lost souls wonder around
Maybe they try to be found
But they've nowhere to run
Cause the city is big,
and cruel and
Dark.

Offline Soph

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 4
Re: The City
« Reply #2 on: October 23, 2021, 12:12:54 PM »
Thank you so much for the edit and review!! :) Youíre review opened up my eyes so much and taught me a lot. Iíll think of a transition for the ones marked with blue.<3