Author Topic: Elevator Reaper - Short Story (1100 words)  (Read 1064 times)

Offline RobertEilers

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Elevator Reaper - Short Story (1100 words)
« on: June 30, 2010, 10:55:44 PM »
This is the first draft and also my first foray back into writing short stories since high school almost twenty years ago.  Please let me know what I can improve or what you liked.  Thanks.  I've attached a pdf of the story if you want to read the whole thing (4059 words).

   Jerry Meijers jumped at the clap of thunder that instantly came with the flash of lightning outside his twelfth floor apartment.  The storm appeared out of nowhere.  A sudden burst of fury throwing itself from the sky.
   “Well this sucks,” Jerry thought out loud as he went about getting ready for work.  
   Life was going from bad to worse.  Yesterday the advertising company he was working for announced they was downsizing and his job, the job he had worked so many long hours to get, was going to be eliminated.  Thanks for your dedication but we just don't need you.
   Then on the way home the chain on his bicycle broke.  “Trying to be eco-friendly and this is what I get,” Jerry exclaimed.
   Now nature decided to pour salt on his wounds.  Losing his job, breaking his bike and now he has to walk the ten blocks to work in a nasty storm.  Taking a taxi crossed his mind but he hated trying to communicate with the Arabian guys that seemed to be the only taxi drivers in the whole city.  After the last experience with an Arabian taxi driver he didn't want any part of them.  Besides, the walk will keep his eco-ego intact by not sending any planet killing pollutants out of a car's poison pipe.
   After Jerry finished brushing his teeth with the homemade baking soda toothpaste, he proceeded to search in the closet for the umbrella that always disappeared whenever he needed it.
   “Ugh, I am not walking ten blocks in this freaking storm,” Jerry frustratingly exclaimed, his head buried deep in the bottom of the closet.
   Another clap of thunder exploded through the apartment so loud it rattled the various picture frames on the book shelf and walls.  Jerry was so startled he jerked  his head up and hit the closet shelf.
   “Oh crap that hurts,” Jerry moaned in agony from the sharp pain radiating from his head.  The room began to spin and his vision faded around the edges.  Jerry quickly sat down on the floor hoping for the feeling to go away.  Unfortunately it didn't help and Jerry fell over into unconsciousness.  


   Consciousness slowly crept back into Jerry's life.  He noticed a dull throbbing pain coming from the top of his head.  He started to rub the area with his hand but then winced when he came across a significant bump that had risen towards the back.  Pulling his hand away he looked for any signs of blood but found none.  Relieved by that good news Jerry began to slowly get up from the floor.  The room tilted and swirled like a carnival ride.  Jerry steadied himself against the wall waiting for the sickening feeling to leave.
   “Oh man this is not good,”  he spoke to himself.  The room came back into focus as the carnival ride of swirls subsided.  Jerry glanced at the clock on the wall and noticed he was late for work.  “Crap,” he exclaimed and grabbed his keys from the counter.  “I'm going to have to run the ten blocks to work.”
   Jerry was opening the door when he noticed the umbrella sitting in the corner next to the door.  “No wonder I couldn't find you.  Got this headache now for nothin'.”
   Stepping out into the hallway Jerry quickly shut the door, locked it and started down the hall to the elevator.  Each step made his head pound a symphony of pain through his head.  He only had to wait a few moments after pressing the button for the elevator when the bell rang and the doors slid open to let him in.
   The elevator was empty which was just fine with Jerry.  He pressed the button marked “G” and watched as the doors quietly closed.  Looking up he counted down the floor numbers.
   The elevator stopped.
   “Great,” thought Jerry, “now I have to share my ride.”
   The steel doors opened but to Jerry's surprise there was on one waiting to step on.
   “Well this is creepy,” he whispered under his breath.  Thunder rumbled outside the building.
   The hair on the back of Jerry's neck began to tingle and stand up as a cold chill went down his spine.  The hall seemed completely empty.  Who pressed the button for the elevator to stop?  Maybe a bug in the system caused it to stop he thought to himself.
   “Hello.  Anybody getting on?”
   Jerry waited for an answer but there was none except for a lone rumble of thunder from the storm outside.  Jerry could hear his heart beating faster in his head.  Why hasn't the door closed yet?  There's nobody there.
   “Come on Jerry this is stupid getting freaked out like this,” he said out loud.
   Reaching his hand for the “Close Door” button on the control panel, Jerry jumped when the door suddenly began to close.  “Dang it settle down, what are you getting so freaked about?”
   “What are you so freaked about?” asked a second voice in the elevator.  

   Jerry snapped his neck around to see a dark figure standing on the other side of the car.  It's voice was low and gravel laced like a dog letting you know it wasn't happy.  The sudden appearance of this person frightened Jerry so bad he slammed his back into the wall, the rail jamming into his lower back.
   “What the...,” Jerry yelled, the last part getting stuck in his throat.  His chest hurt from his heart slamming into his sternum.
   The person standing before him wore all black from head to toe.  Black shoes and jeans that were tight against his legs and a black, silver studded belt   A long sleeve black t-shirt with Slayer splashed across it in red letters covered his lanky frame.  His head hung down with straight jet black hair that was covering his eyes.    
   “Where'd you come from,” asked Jerry while trying to settle his heart.  “How'd you get on here?”  Jerry tried to think of who this person was but couldn't remember ever seeing him before.
   “I walked on, same as you.”
   “No way.  I didn't see you get on.”
   “I don't know what to tell you Jerry.”
   “Wait a do you know my name?  I've never met you.”
   As Jerry's mind was racing trying to figure out who this person was, there was a loud crash of thunder.  The lights went out.  The elevator jolted suddenly to a stop and which threw Jerry to the floor.
« Last Edit: July 01, 2010, 10:09:05 PM by RobertEilers »

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Elevator Reaper - Short Story (4079 words) pdf
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2010, 01:08:18 PM »
Robert, you will be more likely if you post a portion of your story directly to the board rather than asking that it be downloaded.

I would also suggest no more than around a thousand words at a time and be sure to check the format before you click Post - making sure there is white space between paragraphs.

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The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

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I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline RobertBuckley

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Re: Elevator Reaper - Short Story (1100 words)
« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2021, 04:06:10 AM »
Writing is quite a complicated thing for me and glad to find the amazing help on your forum. There are the people who enjoy while reading interesting stories and motivational as well. Please keep going with your brillassignment work that would be quite useful to all.

Offline jt72

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Re: Elevator Reaper - Short Story (1100 words)
« Reply #3 on: June 21, 2021, 09:22:52 AM »
It's a sad day when people takes jobs that encourage students to cheat.... Must be something to do with their raising....
Interesting the way the internet really works.   jt jt