Author Topic: 2nd Draft Untitled Crime/Drama Script - PLEASE READ  (Read 4117 times)

Offline zod

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2nd Draft Untitled Crime/Drama Script - PLEASE READ
« on: January 02, 2007, 12:47:50 AM »
Well, here is my second draft of my script. I have taken to account your comments from my previous draft. It's a little better but this still needs a lot of work. So any comments would be appreciated. Thanks! Keep in mind this is my first script I have ever written.





1  INT  RESTAURANT  - MORNING

Two young men arrive at a breakfast cafť one early morning wearing suits. They both appear to be somewhat tired and exhausted, but also in a rush. They then sit down at a table and order coffee.

DAVE
Iím scared Vic!

VIC
Keep your voice down. (whispers ďJust act natural and stay calm and nothing is going to happen to us.Ē) You got it?

DAVE
Okay Vic. Whatever you say. Iím just really worried that theyíre on to us. I think theyíre coming after us right now as we speak. Weíre dead. Weíre dead men. Itís over.

VIC
Donít say that. Everything is going to plan. In a matter of hours were all gonna be filthy rich. A million each for the three of us.

DAVE
If everything is going to plan, than where is she? Where is Mia? Huh Vic? She should have been here by now. Why isnít she here? Were through with! Itís over! We should bail, letís just go right now.

VIC
Sheís just running a little late, thatís expected. Sheíll be here soon. Just give her some more time. Now sit tight and be patient.

DAVE
Itís already 10 after, you think something happened to her?

VIC
Iím sure sheís fine.  She knows the plan, sheís just running a little late thatís all.

DAVE
You donít think she took off without us do you? With her being in charge of handling the money, she could have left without us and decided to keep it for herself. I think she double crossed us. Sheís probably already outta town by now.

VIC
Would you just listen to yourself, you sound crazy. Mia would never do that to us, she is our sister after all. Besides, we agreed to meet at the cabin if anything happened to us and we couldnít meet here for some reason. We will wait a little longer for her to show up. Then we can leave.

DAVE
Okay, itís just that something about all of this doesnít seem right. I almost feel as if we are being set up.

VIC
No, everything is fine. Just calm down and get a hold of yourself. The cops probably chased her down towards this area, so she  may have gone to the woods to lose them. If she doesnít show up in the next few minutes, we will head off to the cabin.

DAVE
I just donít feel safe here, thatís all. I almost wish that we never even did this to begin with.

VIC
Everything is fine, no go to the bathroom and clean off that blood on you. We donít wanna look suspicious.

DAVE
Okay Vic.

Dave gets up and walks towards the bathroom. The shot fades out.


2  FLASHBACK INT - DAY


This scene, involving the corrupt Detective Jack, has him analyzing the account of our three gangsters in this tale. He is on the phone talking to a cop and is being led traces as to the whereabouts of Vic and Dave.

DETECTIVE JACK
(While talking on the phone) Hi, how are you?ÖÖÖIím fine. So what is the latest on our two bandits?ÖÖÖOkayÖÖOkayÖÖÖWell, Iíll be on my way shortly. Iím going to hunt these guys down and get the money backÖÖah hell, if I catch em I just may kill em, then Iíll split the money with ya. Yeah, I know theyíre dangerous, donít worry about me. I can take care of myself, soon they will be the ones that are scared. I still canít believe that they shot that lady. Well, I better go, and if anything should happen to me, I want you to kill these guys. Got it? OkayÖÖbye.




3 FLASHBACK - EXT DAY

Long shot of outside of a bank, we see our main characters,(Vic, Dave, and Mia), get out of a car and walk into a bank.

   DAVE
(While inside the bank talking softly) Are you sure that you wanna go through with this Vic? Itís not too late. We can still back out. I just cant believe weíre going to walk into certain death.

VIC
No, no, no. We have all worked too hard and trained too much to back out of this now. Were going to do this right now. Remember that we really need this money. You just got laid off and with my criminal record I cant get a job hardly anywhere in the state. You know that.

DAVE
Yeah I know, but what about you Mia? Are you alright?

MIA
Lets just do this and get outta here. You all better not screw this up. I just canít wait to get the money.

VIC
Okay, you all know the plan. Just stick to it and we all will be richer than weíve ever dreamed of. Now Mia, when I give you the sign you run out that exit with the money and weíll meet you in one hour. Okay?



MIA
Alright, but what about you guys?


VIC
Weíll be fine. Once you leave, Dave and I will hold the place off so you can make a getaway. And nobody from the bank is going to be coming after us, since we have guns. Itís just the cops that Iím worried about but they shouldnít be a problem. We can handle them. Okay, lets go. Good luck.

VIC
(yelling to all)
Everybody be cool this is a robbery!

DAVE
Everyone get on the ground now! Get on the ground with your hands on your head! Now! We want to hurt no one. We're here for the bank's money, not your money. Your money is insured by the federal government, you're not gonna lose a dime. Think of your families, don't risk your life. Don't try and be a hero.


VIC
You! Open the lock to the vault and give me the damn money! Hurry up!

DAVE
Nobody move!

VIC
You better hurry up unless you wanna get shot!

(pauses, no audio)

VIC
Now Hurry!


DAVE
Hey, this is taking too long.

VIC
Just be cool. Make sure nobody tries to pull something on us.

DAVE
Everyone just remain calm and stay still. This will all be over in a minute.

VIC
Okay now give me the money!

(pauses)

Shot of Mia running fast paced out of the exit of the bank carrying a bag of money. She then dashes into a car and leaves the parking lot.

Shot in front of the bank.

VIC
Okay, letís go.

DAVE
Alright.



VIC
Now I swear, any one of you try and come after us Iíll blow your damn head right off!

DAVE
Letís roll.


Shot in front of the bank, then Vic and Dave come running out the entrance.

VIC
Oh shit!


As our characters are running to their car to make their getaway, we see that their car is blocked off, another car is parked in front of them so they canít get out. They then take off running on to the street, planning to stop the first car they see. The shot fades out.


4 INT- DAY


Vic and Dave have been running for a while. It appears Dave has been shot, but not fatal. They then stop running and take a rest. Both are breathing and panting hard.

VIC
Okay, lets stop for a minute. I think we lost them. We need a breath. Are you alright?

DAVE
Yeah, I think so. I canít believe that cop shot me. Dammit, this hurts though.



A shot of a car coming towards them on the road. Vic walks out right in front of it and points his gun up in the air and fires.

VIC
(Shouts while pointing his gun at the driver) Get the hell outta the car now!

DAVE
Easy Vic!

VIC
Just get out of the car now and we will all go about our business! Just walk away and its all over!

Vic walks to the car door and opens it, then grabs the man to throw him out of the car, but the man reaches in the glove compartment for a gun. But before he gets his gun to shoot Vic, Vic shoots him in the chest. He then throws him out on the street, then Vic and Dave get in the car and take off driving. As they continue driving the shot fades out.


5 INT- Day

Next scene shows Detective Jack making a phone call

REDNECK
Hello?

DETECTIVE JACK
Hi, this is Detective Jack and I wanted to let you know that there has been a bank robbery a little while ago, and Iíve been informed that the robbers are headed toward your house so I got your phone number and thought I should let you know.

REDNECK
Wow, a bank robbery?

DETECTIVE JACK
Yes, I also wanted to ask if your armed, because these guys are dangerous and they have already killed a person.

REDNECK
Iím armed alright.

DETECTIVE JACK
Well good, Iím headed out to get these guys, so be on the lookout and you should probably prepare yourself.

Redneck
Okay, Iíll be on watch and if these guys cross paths with me there in for some trouble.


Next shot shows Jack getting in his car and taking off.

6- INT DAY

Next shot shows Vic and Dave driving in the country. After making several turns in the woods, they then see the old cabin that theyíre supposed to meet Mia at. As their driving towards it, we see Mia come out of the cabin. The shot zooms in and Mia is waving her arms signaling she is there. Once they get there, they park the car and Vic and Dave get out.

MIA
Where the heck have you guys been? Itís about time you got here! I almost thought that you all were a no-show.

VIC
We had some run ins with the cops. Daveís been shotÖbut heís alright though. Heíll live.

DAVE
Then we stole a vehicle. And Vic shot a man.

MIA
You shot someone? Did you kill him?

VIC
I think so.

MIA
You think so? Well, is he dead?

DAVE
Heís dead.

MIA
We all agreed that nobody was going to be killed.

VIC
Mia, you donít understand. This guy was about to pull a gun on me. He was gonna kill me. I had my gun pointing right at
Ďem. Guess he was just trying to protect himself. But he didnít listen to me. I simply told him to get out of the car and walk away. If he had done what I told him to do, then heíd still be alive.

VIC
So what about you? Why couldnít you meet us at the diner. We agreed to only meet here if there was no other way.


MIA
Well the cops followed me to the diner and so I had to lose them. I barely was able to get away from them. But nobody knows weíre here right now. So weíre safe for now.


VIC
Alright, whatís done is done. So do you have the money?

MIA
Of course.

VIC
So where is it?

MIA
Itís in the car.

VIC
Well, will you go get it?

MIA
Alright.

Shot fades out. Next shot shows Jack driving out in the country and is getting closer to their hideout.

Next shot shows Mia getting the bags of money and brings them back in the cabin.

MIA
Well here it is. All of it.

She sets the bags of money on the ground.

Next shot shows Jack parking his car from a distance from their hideout and opens his trunk to his car, getting out two pistols and a shotgun, then closes the trunk. Then he quietly walk to their hideout.

Shot goes back to Vic, Dave, and Mia.

DAVE
So is this all of it?

MIA
Yes.

VIC
Alright! Now weíre gonna be able to do things that weíve never dreamed of. Weíre so rich now!

DAVE
Well, lets count all the money and split it three ways.

MIA
Thereís still one thing left to do.


VIC
What are you talking about?


Then Mia takes out a piece of paper and unfolds it and throws it on the ground.
Dave reaches down on the ground and picks up the paper. The shot zooms in on the paper. It appears to be a hit list
with a lot of peoples names on it, with Vic and Dave being on the very top of the list. Then Mia takes her gun out and points it at Vic and Dave.

DAVE
Alright MiaÖwhat are you doing? Just quit goofing around. Letís just count are money and get outta here.

MIA
Iím sorry, but the two of you are about to die?

VIC
What are you talking about? Now put the gun down and stop joking around.

MIA
Iím not, Iíve been hired to kill you all. Iím gonna get paid a ton for this.
I really need the money more than any of you. If it at all matters, you have my sympathies.

DAVE
You see, I havenít been completely honest either.

Then Dave takes out a piece of paper and throws it on the ground, Mia picks it up and looks at it. It appears to be the same hit list as Miaís only with Vic and Miaís names on top of it. Then Dave quickly whips out his gun and points it at Mia.

MIA
Well it appears that we were both hired by the same man.

DAVE
Trust me Mia, I need the money more than you do. Iím already in debt to some guys and they need the money right away and if they donít get it Iím gonna have a huge bounty on my head.


VIC
I canít believe this, you all are actually going to kill each other for more moneyÖ you guys just need to listen to yourselves for a minute. This is crazy. Weíre family, we canít kill
each other. Were already going to be rich from the money we stole. Now Dave Iíll help you pay off your debt. Now put your guns down and lets just forget about this.

MIA
Sorry brother, but I always carry out my duties.

Then Mia shoots at Dave and just barely misses. The two then engage in a big gunfight unloading their ammo at one another, while both are being covered with protection. Mia then storms out of the cabin, then gets shot by Detective Jack, taking her out with his shotgun up close. Then Vic and Dave come charging at Jack, and he shoots Dave with his shotgun. Vic kicks Jackís gun out of his hand, they then engage in a brutal fist fight. After fighting a little while they are both exhausted. Then Jack throws Vic to the ground, then put his arm around him and starts choking him. Vic is about to die, then he reaches for a knife in his pocket and stabs Jack in the arm. Jack then takes the knife out and is about to kill Vic with it, then suddenly he gets blow away by gunfire.



The camera pans over to Dave lying in the ground holding a pistol. It appears that he killed Jack, and that Dave didnít die after all. He shot Dave, but it wasnít fatal. He then gets up and walks over to Vic and helps him up.

VIC
Are you alright?

DAVE
Yeah, just grazed me. Lucky he didnít kill me though. Shit, I canít believe Miaís dead. Sheís gone.

VIC
Jack was going to kill me, you and Mia were going to kill me, so why did you save me?

DAVE
Right before Mia shot at me, I thought about what you said, this is wrong for us to be killing each other, even if it is for a lot of money, were family. I guess Mia didnít see that though.

VIC
Well thanks Dave. But I must say, I always see the job through.


Dave
What?


Then Vic whips out his pistol and shoots Dave in the chest three times. He then takes a piece a paper and throws it on his body. It is a hit list with Mia and Daveís names on the top of it. Vic then goes back in the cabin and gets the bags of money as he is coming out he starts walking to his car. He then trips on some branches and some of the money comes spilling out of the bag. He reaches down to pick it up and then sees that its fake counterfeit money. All of the money is fake.

VIC
What the?

Then suddenly, Vic gets shot and falls to the ground and dies. He was shot by the redneck with his rifle. The shot fades out. The End.




















   






« Last Edit: January 02, 2007, 10:56:38 AM by zod »
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Offline zod

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Re: 2nd Draft Untitled Crime/Drama Script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2007, 08:43:42 PM »
For anyone who read my first draft, can you plz comment on this in ways to help me? Thanks!
Mint chocolate chip! - Michael Scott (The Office)

Offline eric

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Re: 2nd Draft Untitled Crime/Drama Script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2007, 02:16:09 PM »
Well, I read it through -- the right version this time -- and it is better, but it still has a lot of work needed. 

Take out a bunch of thens, maybe all of them, and generally tighten it up.  Take out the reference to the w3oman the three shot, because she does not show up in your narrative.  Think about the realistic ramifications of your words.  To paraphrase someone else, you are pretty deep into melodrama here, meaning that things happen because you want them to.  That is not right.

Try to give your story a little more of an independent life.  For example, the mysterious person who hires each of the siblings to kill the other two. Why would he do that?  In order to get a share of the profits, maybe?  But why would the killer be inclined to share the profits with this third person?  And why is it important to the brother or sister being killed?

The bit with the redneck needs to be removed because the redneck does not show up later.  If you figure out a way to leave it in, change the reference by Detective Jack to "your house."  He would not know that the three were headed to a particular house.  It should be "out your way."  Similarly, Jack seems to drive right up to the hideout.  How exactly did he figure that was the correct house?  Explain this in the action.

Good luck with this.

Offline thatollie

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Re: 2nd Draft Untitled Crime/Drama Script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2007, 06:20:40 PM »
Y'know it smacked me in the face, a lot of this is Reservior Dogs. Not sounds like, is.
Just a curiosity of mine. Is this the first script you've started writing? I also don't see where you can go forward from here.
Never make a decision standing up.

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Re: 2nd Draft Untitled Crime/Drama Script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2007, 09:03:01 PM »
Hi Zod

I read this once before but didn't catch the comments written so please forgive me if anything I say sounds overdone.

Before I would be able to really read into the conversations, I have a couple of things that stick out right away.

The first would be this; you need to give us a proper character description of each character before we read conversation. This should come after the scene heading, in an action statement.

The second thing is that at each scene heading, although it needs to be short but descriptive, it should include where first, and then the time of day; ie morning, afternoon, night, etc. Then go to a better decscription after the heading so that we clearly understand where we are at and what kind of scene we are seeing.

Try to write as you would see a movie. In a movie the camera does your work for you; but you need to provide this in words for a producer to read. Don't give camera directions because that will not go over well, but at least be descriptive in where, how and when.

Hope this helps.



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Offline thatollie

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Re: 2nd Draft Untitled Crime/Drama Script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2007, 09:16:26 PM »
Quote
you need to give us a proper character description of each character before we read conversation
When I get to my screenplay, I'm going to do character descriptions in an appendix. What does every think of doing it that way.
Never make a decision standing up.