Author Topic: The month that ruined he  (Read 390 times)

Offline Patrick.G

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  • U can't beat death, but u can beat death in life
The month that ruined he
« on: March 22, 2021, 08:39:01 PM »
A poem I wrote for a girl I am in love with, but have made little effort with in the past few months.#

I hope it hasnít ruined things,
The devil in his chest.
that forced him to neglect you
So please accept his request

He requests for you to remember
The boy he used to be
The boy from last September
Before November ruined he

He feels the devil leaving though.
And feels again that he can breathe
For you may be the one in which
Brought him back to reality

He thinks about you daily,
Sees you blowing in the breeze
Just like the leaves outside your window
That you watch swaying in the tree

He hopes that things may soon return
to how they used to be
So once again you may see the boy
From before November,
the month that ruined he.

Offline crch

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Re: The month that ruined he
« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2021, 10:41:25 PM »
Sweet poem -

I feel your pain - been there.

If I were that girl, I would really like to know what happened that November.

She might reply, and we could have a second stanza!




Offline Donmuse

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Re: The month that ruined he
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2021, 11:37:27 AM »
Hi Patrick G,

I get the story - the rhyme scheme makes it uncomplicated to follow. I think that's a plus. There is some mystery - we are not told what happened in November and this, perhaps, adds a health dose of suspense (it's perhaps a lover's' secret). I quite like it this way. It works well enough in my opinion for it's cler something untoward, regrettable occurred - "the devil in his chest".

I had the fleeting impression in the fourth stanza that the persona is daily watching his lover's window (which is why, perhaps, he can see her "blowing in the breeze just like the leaves outside [her] window. If so, this is poignant, but, as i had , it was a fleeing impression, meaning that I was not utterly convinced of it. Also, I wondered about the efficacy of "that you watch swaying in the tree" - for several reasons:

is the persona referring to a specific tree that holds meaning for both lovers?
was tree meant to be trees to rhyme with breeze?

"that you watch ...". Is you intended to convey the sense of "one, someone, a person? Or does the pronoun refer to the lover (watching the tree, she too, wistful about past times?

these were some things that dimmed the clarity of the poem in so far of my grasp of its meaning was concerned.

However, I like the direction  of the piece and would welcome being able to read more of it see how you proceed with it.

Best,
Donmuse