Author Topic: May WE  (Read 131 times)

Offline Jmynomial

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May WE
« on: March 04, 2021, 06:36:43 PM »
Today I start at my end. I live in sorrow. If there is a Tomorrow... per chance  it will be someone elseís. If this sorrow moves forward will it pass over me? Can I be through with the sadness? I am a wave  fighting the tides of grief. Whose turn is it to mourn today? What shift will the kaleidoscopic of despair turn to, to tease with the shimmering

slivers of colored glass, taunting me with a prism of a hope i reach out to, and never can grasp. will our purpose fall into place? and then who will be left? To demand this shimmering light render the living any meaning?

Can we all just pause and remember that kindness could have its own meaning? Shall we Stop demanding a central theme from a season that isnít done shedding its final leaves. Find your sun. Your warmth.... Even when the ground is frozen. Even when the sky stays dark.

grieve. I will hold you. Cry out in sorrow. you will be comforted. May WE be lifted by each other. In my favorite tomorrow.

Offline JTetstone

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  • Jan Tetstone a/k/a Janice Sanford/nosuchmember
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Re: May WE
« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2021, 07:19:30 PM »
Interesting, and well written...WE. I have only seen we in capital letters, once. During research on an organization called 'WE'.   :)
I was born and raised wearing hand me down shoes and clothes-but I was richer by far than those who thought themselves 'my betters.'  I'd take love over riches and fame any day.

Offline Royal Thorn 78

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Re: May WE
« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2021, 07:49:20 PM »
This is a rant, an essay, a declamation, but it is not  poem.  I am the last person to relish arguments about what is, and what is not, a poem.  But I am not sure how a person would even mount the argument with respect to this piece of writing.  That is not to suggest the writing is bad.  But this is a board for poetry.

« Last Edit: March 04, 2021, 10:56:18 PM by Royal Thorn 78 »

Offline Lucky Stars

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Re: May WE
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2021, 07:36:47 PM »
Hi,

Thank you for sharing this. I am a newbie as well, but have been to many a poetry workshop. ;)There is a lot of emotion and a dark, deep feeling that holds on throughout this peice. The imagery is thick. My favorite lines are " Stop demanding a central theme from a season that isnít done shedding its final leaves" and "I am a wave  fighting the tides of grief."
 
There is difficulty seeing the main theme/idea of the poem. Is the speaker the wave? What helps me convey clearer meaning in my poems during my revision stage is to take out lines /phrases/words that repeat or are unnecessary if the idea is implied elsewhere. I am guessing it is sorrow? My first drafts are often similar to your poem. It comes out as ramblings, but if you take a fine toothed comb through it after letting it set a week or so, you find some real gems. Those are what the reader wants! Paul McCartney once said "Less is more" and I have seen this work best in poetry. If you don't mind, take a look at my suggestions below for the 1st stanza. I included line breaks to "break up" the heaviness of the poem and to show off the gems:

"Today I start at my end.
I am a wave  fighting the tides of grief.
Whose turn is it to mourn today?
What shift will the kaleidoscope of despair turn to,
to tease with the shimmering slivers of colored glass,
..."

I think you have a lot to work with here! It's better to have to much than too little. Sometimes, I don't even know what my poems are about when they first come out all willy- nilly, but after trimming the fat, (repetitions or things already implied in the poem), a clearer picture starts to emerge. I do this same revision over and over until it makes more sense to me.  I hope that this helps you out. Let me know if you need more suggestions.