It is usually best to post a poem without prelude or explanation -- that will inevitably color the reception of the poem by the reader. But since you did, then no, this is not garbage. Nor is it well-crafted finished poetry. There is much to like -- the spirit, the celebration. It is a draft that shows promise.
200 words, 40 lines, 20 couplets, half unrhymed. The Narrator (N), imbibing in wine and MDMA, blows off steam at a familiar dance club, based at favorite Table Seven. The lines suggest N. is female. She likes to dance, flirt, and escape in the revelry of the evening.
The poem sets itself a difficult task with these short lines and two line stanzas. Hard end-line rhymes are difficult to sustain, even with longer lines. Here, the writer has elected to rhyme the even-numbered stanzas and leave the odd-numbered stanzas unrhymed. To make a go of these self-imposed limits, strict meter and tight diction are essential.
Generally speaking, rhyme only works to a poem’s benefit when used in conjunction with strict meter. Here the meter is not 'wonky' but rather ranging from intermittent to non-existent. Additionally, the shortness of the lines, and the shortness of the stanzas are stifling opportunities for a richer, more textured and nuanced narrative.
Parts of this move like an early Dylan psychic landscape song. But while the narrative intersperses original, evocative language there are the recurring lapses into cliche. Again, it is hard to avoid this with such little working space within the form.
For what follows: S. = stanza, L. = line, and N = Narrator.
S.1 – beams pierce and fumes puncture – with only 12 syllables in this stanza, it is tough to follow up these evocative phrases – puncture what? The reader is left to speculate, which is sometimes okay. It just seems like an opportunity lost.
S.2 L.2 – consider replacing “and” with “I”. If you do that, you will then want to consider ending S.2 L.1 with an em-dash.
S3. L.2 – imbedded > imbeds ? The surrounding stanzas are present tense.
S.4 L.1 – consider replacing “the” with a pronoun – it’s a chance to give your reader another clue about what you are narrating.
S.5 L.1 – “of” >> “in” – perhaps there is a rhapsody in noise, but noise itself is not rhapsodic.
S.6 L.1 – “Transporting me into heavan” – pure cliche, and perhaps mistakenly driven by the impulse to the rhyme.
S.7 L2 – “slink” feels like the wrong word – fade or dissolve seem to strike a better note.
S.8 – ‘While’ instead of ‘where’, and something different for ‘meanwhile’, perhaps “you know my fingers. . . “ Just a thought.
S.9 & S.10 – I am lost as to the meaning, and fail to see how these advance your poem. Consider deleting both of them, or finding a clarifying revision.
S.11 – gorgeous. Perhaps “energy exploding from seven day weeks”
S.13 – delightful word play!
S.15 – Symbolic speech which by tone and tenor is apart from the diction of the rest of the narrative, but still, relatable.
S. 17 & 18 – Cliche, feels like filler.
S. 19 & 20 – Real nice writing, expressive, fresh, emotive – these stanzas makes the poem.
Just my opinion -- you are of course free to agree or disagree.
