Shattered glass

[Patrick.G]

This is a rework of my previous poem. I feel I've learnt a bit since then.

There’s shattered glass inside of me,
Slashing at me from within,
So over it, I pour whiskey,
To clean the wounds and hide my sin.

The whores, booze, and poetry
Were my medicine for a while,
But the medicine no longer works,
It’s left me guilty, with no need for trial.

The cigarettes that soothe my throat
No longer make my head numb,
In the fight of life, I’m losing,
I’d rather just succumb.

The wind that fills my ears
Leaves my conscious clear and true.
So now I know that I must bid
My final solemn
Adieu

[Cliff Sombito]

Here are my thoughts about your poem:

I prefer this:

Stabbing me from within,

 than

"Slashing at me from within,"

You should remove the word 'at'

Overall it's good. But if you want to rhyme, you should make your poem rhyme all the way to make it more powerful, you should avoid rhyming if halfway through the poem you'll do a free verse.

[crch]

I love it!

I hope you post more!

[Royal Thorn 78]

I like this as song lyrics -- the diction has an easy movement, and the singer may finesse or sing through an erratic cadence.  For poetry, however, end-rhyme should get added only after the meter is set.  Additionally, a poem should not show the reader how the writer grasped for the rhymes.  As an example of rolling cadence and unforced rhyme, Tennyson is always a good start:

https://interestingliterature.com/2017/07/a-short-analysis-of-tennysons-crossing-the-bar/

[IzzBuzz]

This is an interesting poem. One thing I think would benefit it is a hint as to what the narrator is self-medicating for. What is he guilty for? What is his sin?

[Patrick.G]

I like this as song lyrics -- the diction has an easy movement, and the singer may finesse or sing through an erratic cadence.  For poetry, however, end-rhyme should get added only after the meter is set.  Additionally, a poem should not show the reader how the writer grasped for the rhymes.  As an example of rolling cadence and unforced rhyme, Tennyson is always a good start:

https://interestingliterature.com/2017/07/a-short-analysis-of-tennysons-crossing-the-bar/

Thankyou so much! this helps alot.