Author Topic: Shattered glass  (Read 58 times)

Offline Patrick.G

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  • U can't beat death, but u can beat death in life
Shattered glass
« on: February 17, 2021, 05:25:59 PM »
This is a rework of my previous poem. I feel I've learnt a bit since then.

Thereís shattered glass inside of me,
Slashing at me from within,
So over it, I pour whiskey,
To clean the wounds and hide my sin.

The whores, booze, and poetry
Were my medicine for a while,
But the medicine no longer works,
Itís left me guilty, with no need for trial.

The cigarettes that soothe my throat
No longer make my head numb,
In the fight of life, Iím losing,
Iíd rather just succumb.

The wind that fills my ears
Leaves my conscious clear and true.
So now I know that I must bid
My final solemn
« Last Edit: February 17, 2021, 05:52:00 PM by Patrick.G »

Offline Cliff Sombito

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Re: Shattered glass
« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2021, 01:56:17 AM »
Here are my thoughts about your poem:

I prefer this:

Stabbing me from within,


"Slashing at me from within,"

You should remove the word 'at'

Overall it's good. But if you want to rhyme, you should make your poem rhyme all the way to make it more powerful, you should avoid rhyming if halfway through the poem you'll do a free verse.

Offline crch

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Re: Shattered glass
« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2021, 05:02:28 PM »
I love it!

I hope you post more!

Offline Royal Thorn 78

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Re: Shattered glass
« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2021, 05:09:16 PM »
I like this as song lyrics -- the diction has an easy movement, and the singer may finesse or sing through an erratic cadence.  For poetry, however, end-rhyme should get added only after the meter is set.  Additionally, a poem should not show the reader how the writer grasped for the rhymes.  As an example of rolling cadence and unforced rhyme, Tennyson is always a good start: