Author Topic: Just an emotion  (Read 47 times)

Offline crch

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Just an emotion
« on: February 17, 2021, 04:46:21 PM »

Just an emotion

I find I cry when Iím sad or happy.
I find I laugh when Iím tickled or mad.
I find I freeze when Iím nervous or excited.
I find I may not know which is at ease.

I use when Iím sad, happy, tickled or mad.
I use when Iím nervous or excited.
I use to be at ease.
I use when I want an emotion.

Emotions are tricky that way.

I want to feel like Iím having fun.
I want to feel like Iím not.
I want to feel like I can block you out.
I want to feel like I have control.

Itís easy to fly into a rage.
Itís easy to know what to say.
Itís easy to truly want.
Itís easy to want nothing at all.

Emotions are tricky that way.

What is it like to want me?
What is it like to want me far away?
What is it like to need me and Iím not there?
What is it like to watch me lose me?

All the control Iíve gladly given away to something I
cannot see, because if I could, it would still be me.

Emotions are tricky that way.





Offline Royal Thorn 78

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Re: Just an emotion
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2021, 12:08:02 PM »
There are some fine turns of phrase in this, but the repeats are massively overdone, and there is a strong 'diary' element to this.  Just my opinion.

Offline crch

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Re: Just an emotion
« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2021, 01:43:18 PM »
I appreciate your opinion very much.  Only recently, have I tried to pen anything.

"Pandemic Poetry" presents...

Would you mind expounding on "diary element"?  This may be applicable to all my poems!

Also, when I write, I see my poems as a picture, puzzle or pattern.

That was my intention with "Just an Emotion".  Dr. Seuss taking on a "heavy" - drug addiction.

I realize poetry is subjective.  It is mine, but your reviews are interesting to me.

Do you have advice on how to keep the vibe of this poem, without feeling overdone?
« Last Edit: February 19, 2021, 02:10:37 PM by crch »

Offline Royal Thorn 78

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Re: Just an emotion
« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2021, 03:26:07 PM »
Hi crch,
Diary element -- First, there are 35 uses of "I", "me", "I'm", "my" etc. in these 25 lines of poetry.  You can note the uptick in the second half of the poem when these words become scarce.  Second, there is the sense the writer is simply chronicling feelings for his own purposes.

Picture, puzzle, pattern -- good thoughts.  Puzzle not so much, though some poems can't escape it.  Pattern - yes in the cadence, meter, and sounds, and sometimes the structure.  But exact phrase/word repeats carry a need for serious caution. 

I get that it's an addiction poem.  There are huge issues & emotions which are not making it into the poem.  And I think the repeat of emotions being tricky conveys (to me) a light-hearted or almost cavalier treatment, suggesting that if the Narrator is not taking this seriously, then why should the reader?  I also think writing things off to tricky emotions is a head-fake away from the heart of the addition experience. 

Yes, there are serious subjective elements to poetic creation and appreciation. 

How to keep the vibe?  You know where the thread is, if you don't then there is really no poem.  If you are not sure, then feel around in the poem and see if you can find the thread.  If it is one place in the poem, but not another, then start where it is and follow it each way.  To me, it looks like your thread appears in the second stanza (S.2) and drifts into S.5, but then fades again.  That's just my guess -- you are the only one who can know.

A place to start -- remove the repeats and see what you have -- there is some good material, and some stuff appearing weaker by comparison. 

Just my thoughts.  ignore if they don't seem helpful.





Offline crch

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Re: Just an emotion
« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2021, 04:05:36 PM »
Thank you for the depth of critique.

I love the process of writing.  I read about how to write, but there is nothing like someone reading my own and gaining another perspective.

Right now, I am not concerned about my message as much as learning different techniques and tools. So, I'll play around with your suggestions.

I'd love to read some of your poetry, but have not found any on this site!

(I am counting how my I's I have used in the post!)

Thanks again

Offline Royal Thorn 78

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Re: Just an emotion
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2021, 04:49:29 PM »
Quote
I love the process of writing.
 

Yes.  This plus your apparent facility with language and some regular reading of poetry and daily writing,  you will improve rapidly.