Author Topic: Into Ocean Waves Short Story (350 words)  (Read 73 times)

Offline HvdW

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Into Ocean Waves Short Story (350 words)
« on: February 16, 2021, 08:25:42 AM »
Hello everyone, I'd appreciate any feedback on my short story about someone's experience in a hospital.

Into Ocean Waves

I lie there, crying and begging for them to stop. Something foreign is shoved up my nose and past my throat and then deeper inside me. It sets alight a flare of pain and the dull ache pulses from my brain to my head and the rest of my body until I’m a pathetic trembling wreck with tears flowing and snot streaming. Inevitably, I choke on my breaths and expel whatever’s left in my stomach to gasps of dismay from the figures gathered around me. The vomit slides down my cheeks and settles in my hair, and as I gulp for air, I manage to whine ‘It hurts, it hurts.’ I don’t care about anything other than the immediate, but I know this moment, my weakness, will haunt me forever. Their relentless hands strip me bare until I am completely exposed and I’ve never felt so humiliated in my life as I do now. I can sense them staring down at me behind their clinical screen and they must be thinking ‘what a disgustingly pitiful figure’. They’ve seen me at my worst and I hate it. I hate it so much. My wheezing sobs are the last things I register before I slip into an induced sleep that provides only temporary respite.

They tell me I’m alright now. I suppose I do seem calmer. But if I look at any of them for too long, it makes me want to crawl out of myself and into a grave. There’s a brief moment of panic when I discover a tube coming from my underwear and my dignity is all but shattered. So you won’t have to carry yourself to the bathroom, they say. They take away my prescriptions and then I am free to go. I almost feel worse leaving than I did going in. Perhaps this was divine punishment for my sin. It was certainly effective. Next time, I’ll jump into the ocean. Somewhere I can taste the salt on my lips and the brine on the wind, with a thriving population of crabs or fish, and there won’t be any trace of me and I will be free from prying eyes and hands. Or I could dissolve into seafoam and be carried around on gentle waves. I think I’d like that.



Offline JTetstone

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Re: Into Ocean Waves Short Story (350 words)
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2021, 11:53:35 AM »
Very well written, HvdW.
Never let another set the value of your self-worth. Strive to be the best of who you are.  Believing in your self is the key to reaching your dream. love and peace,  jt

Offline HvdW

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Re: Into Ocean Waves Short Story (350 words)
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2021, 04:25:58 PM »
Thank you for your kind words  :D Is there perhaps anything you think I could improve on in the piece?

Offline JTetstone

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Re: Into Ocean Waves Short Story (350 words)
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2021, 12:52:59 AM »
Thank you for your kind words  :D Is there perhaps anything you think I could improve on in the piece?

You welcome. My heart was moved, by the beauty and the sadness of "Into Ocean Waves."
It's ending seems so final. It leaves a hopeless feeling lingering. I hope to read more of your writings.
   
Never let another set the value of your self-worth. Strive to be the best of who you are.  Believing in your self is the key to reaching your dream. love and peace,  jt