Author Topic: I threw my empty bottle of Whiskey out the window. (first poem on here)  (Read 94 times)

Offline Patrick.G

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  • U can't beat death, but u can beat death in life
Don't worry, I'm not about to top myself. Instead, I'm writing a novel currently, in which one of my characters is a poet, this is one of the poems he has written. I really had to become the character for this one, I sat at my desk, got shitface drunk and thought about all life had done to him. Instead of a death note, he opts for a poem. It seems rather fitting for a poet. But please I would love some advice, I've never really been much of a poet or poetry lover myself, though I've always admired it, I must admit though, I've been reading a lot, for research purposes, and I think I'm starting to fall in love with poetry.


The glass that lay scattered on the floor,
I wonder if they will notice it.
All the time that Iíve spent singing to myself.
Iím not so good at singing
Could they hear me?
Well donít worry, you wonít hear it anymore.
Itís not all so bad though,
Iíve had my moments
Theyíve been and passed
As the wind passes my window now
Or crashes into rather
Itís become too much, too overbearing.
It will all be resolved by tomorrow,
I think.
I hope.
The empty bottles that surround me,
And the women that took my money,
The sex.
They were my medicine
For some time at least
Iím afraid they donít work so well anymore though,
And I donít fancy any stronger medicine.
I would rather just succumb.
« Last Edit: February 04, 2021, 07:43:27 PM by Patrick.G »

Offline crch

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Re: I threw my empty bottle of Whiskey out the window. (first poem on here)
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2021, 04:25:50 PM »
I'd love to know more about your book! 
"Whiskey out the window" is a nice alliteration and a good hook.
I think it would be interesting to build on that idea. I really was hoping why that whiskey went out the window.  Wasting whiskey is such a shame! :)

One other thought.  Poems and writing are very subjective, so take this with a grain of salt.  I think a little more rhythm and cadence would pull it together nicely.

Keep writing!  I'll be looking for your next post!

Offline Patrick.G

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Re: I threw my empty bottle of Whiskey out the window. (first poem on here)
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2021, 05:24:40 PM »
I've actually written a different poem for this situation recently. At the time I was taking large influence from Charles Bukowksi. But reading it back over time, I think I missed the mark slightly. And as my character has developed I've realised that that poem isn't necessarily how he would have written what he wanted to say. That poem was me trying to make my character be someone he wasn't. Thank you for your reply though, you've inspired me to now post the new one :) (hopefully its a little more poetic)

Offline Royal Thorn 78

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Re: I threw my empty bottle of Whiskey out the window. (first poem on here)
« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2021, 12:29:31 PM »
Wow -- you have the facility for writing.  This poem to attribute to your character should fill the bill. Once you finish your novel, then get to writing poetry on a daily basis -- you will be delighted at what results.