Author Topic: Rewrite with a Rhymn  (Read 250 times)

Offline hwillette

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Rewrite with a Rhymn
« on: January 27, 2021, 08:38:57 AM »
I am stuck!

Can anyone help me rewrite this so it rhymns with simple words?

The line is about a cat who is discouraged about loosing another soccer game. It's a children's book (4-6yrs old). I keep circling back to this part not happy with what I have. I need a fresh look on it and suggestions. Thanks!


Offline hwillette

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Re: Rewrite with a Rhymn
« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2021, 08:42:48 AM »
Here it is...

"On Friday there was a soccer game.
Another loss was surely expected.
Only a minute left the scoreboard detected.

(Cat in uniform pouting with ball. Scoreboard behind him with only a few minutes left.

Not today.
Coach let him play.
Miles kicked the ball that saved the day."

Am I overthinking it? Does it sound ok?

Offline Miguel Flores

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Re: Rewrite with a Rhymn
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2021, 12:39:00 PM »
Hi, hwillette  :)
That's nice) What exactly don't you like? I love to write, too, but my wife used to proofread. And now she is very busy and I have to go to a special thesis service. I plan to show my fiction to my kids (I'm not a native English speaker, but I teach English). Their editors make my text perfect for a small fee. But a poem is not prose, it's very individual. I think it is good enough :) :) :)

« Last Edit: March 11, 2021, 04:24:57 PM by Miguel Flores »

Offline JTetstone

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  • Jan Tetstone a/k/a Janice Sanford/nosuchmember
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Re: Rewrite with a Rhymn
« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2021, 03:21:23 PM »
Here it is...

"On Friday there was a soccer game.
Another loss was surely expected.
Only a minute left the scoreboard detected.

(Cat in uniform pouting with ball. Scoreboard behind him with only a few minutes left.

Not today.
Coach let him play.
Miles kicked the ball that saved the day."

Am I overthinking it? Does it sound ok?

Hope this helps:

A soccer game on Friday.
Another loss expected.
A minute left
the scoreboard detected.

(Cat in uniform pouting with ball. Scoreboard behind him with only a few minutes left.

Not today,coach
let him play.
Miles kicked the ball
and saved the day."
I was born and raised wearing hand me down shoes and clothes-but I was richer by far than those who thought themselves 'my betters.'  I'd take love over riches and fame any day.