Author Topic: Suspend (882 Words)  (Read 903 times)

Offline Karienne

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 18
Suspend (882 Words)
« on: May 25, 2009, 02:14:28 AM »
Ten seconds were left, give or take, and Haitia, First Advisor to the High Princess of Hell, was terrified. Not for herself, of course, but for her partner. Dane had always been sensitive to the movements of time and space, and traveling to the human world would involve tearing through both. Already she could feel the static electricity gathering around her, and after that, nothing. Then came the screaming. Hai had never heard the in between protest so loudly her presence; it had never been quiet, but this monstrous screech was something new. Something that couldn’t be good.
   
The silence that followed was jarring, filled with the unspoken words and cruel smiles of the djinn that lived in between. A flutter of wings sounded from behind Haitia and she opened her eyes to a scorched desert. The wind blew stinging clumps of sand into her eyes and she blinked it away, looking around for Dane. She hoped that he’d at least made it through with her.
   
There was a tearing noise and Haitia saw Dane fall through a quickly closing rent in the air. She hurried to him and knelt next to his prone form. He was unconscious, but breathing. Alive.
   
That had to be good, she thought. He’d made it this far. The rest would be a piece of cake compared to crossing through. All that he needed to do was wake up, then they would just... Find out where they were? Yes, that sounded like the place to start. Haitia would never find the Diamond if she didn’t find a civilization first. They’d have to look for reports of it, or its effects.

---
   
Zander slipped through the practically invisible door into a dark, musty hall. It didn’t really matter how dark it was, but his enhanced sense made the damp scent almost unbearable. He had no idea how Kade could stand staying down here for so long. There was a lot that he didn’t understand about Kade, but the djinn had information. Telling Kade anything was probably a bad idea, but he just seemed to know exactly what to say to make people open their mouths.
   
“Zander,” A voice whispered, tight with pain. He rushed around the corner, into a dimly lit room containing only three chairs and a low table, which held the single candle that provided the flickering light. A tall man who could only be described as golden occupied the largest chair. His hair stood up in matted spikes, only slightly darker than his skin. Dark bruises accented his tawny amber eyes, contrasting with his light skin and hair. His rumpled suit did little to hide his gauntness.
   
“Saints, Kade...” Zander trailed off, not knowing what to say. Kade was slumped over, his head resting on one fist, seeming to stare past Zander, who crouched next to him. He’d never seen Kade anything but completely in control, which was one thing that he could not called at the moment.
   
“I—“ Kade swallowed, his pupils contracting, and tried again. “There’s a new... a new tear. ‘Bout a five miles into the desert... West.” He squeezed his eyes closed and Zander saw the jagged teeth retract slowly. Kade shoved his hair out of his face and opened his eyes hesitantly.
   
“I would go with you...” Kade gestured at his current state of disarray and Zander nodded. Any other day he would have insisted that the powerful djinn come with him to investigate whatever demonic evil had entered the human realm, but this was not any other day. The rent in the in between space had left Kade weak, and no matter how much he wished he wasn’t, Zander was still half angel. It just wasn’t in him to drag Kade into the desert like this.
   
“Right. Do you want me to get Corrine?” Zander asked, knowing that the human girl could patch up anything supernatural without breaking a sweat. What he didn’t know was where she got her medical knowledge. It was a rare maid that even knew about the supernatural, much less their medical needs. Corrine was an invaluable asset to Phoenix’s supernatural community, seeing as most of them didn’t have the patients necessary to learn medicine.
   
“Speak of the devil.” Kade muttered as Corrine walked into the room, tucking her dark hair behind her ears. She looked ready for a long lecture, and her fiery tongue had been known to send demons running home to hell. Women, even human women, were a force to be reckoned with.
   
“Save yourself.” Kade mock whispered in an exaggeratedly conspiratorial tone. Zander rolled his eyes, but took Kade’s advice. He told himself that he wasn’t running away from Corrine, he just had to investigate the demonic activity, but really, he was lying to himself. He smiled at Kade on his way out and the djinn shot him a panicked look. Zander shrugged, knowing that there was nothing that he could do for his friend. Zander exited the back rooms just as inconspicuously as he’d entered them, quickly making his way out of the small establishment and into the alley way. He managed to get out of town without running into any trouble and set off into the night to find the demons and see what they were up to on earth.




This is the beginning of a paranormal romance novel. I'm thinking about calling it Suspend, or maybe Suspension, but nothing's set in stone yet. I'm hoping that you guys can catch any really obvious mistakes that I've made before I send it to my "editor" (a friend of mine who is a professional author and reads over my work from time to time). Thanks!

Cadi Rose

Offline Hypothesis

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 90
Re: Suspend (882 Words)
« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2009, 02:38:38 AM »
There is a lot of info dump in this, something that I think would do much better stretched out and perhaps shown in other ways than by narration. For example, Dane is sensitive to space and time. Instead of telling us that, it might be better to show it by stretching that part out, like showing Hai fretting over Dane before hand, questioning if he would really be ok coming through the rifts. Corrine, her importance could be shone elsewhere through dialogue or actions rather than a straight out "she's special because..."
"Waste not, want not. Work not, eat not. Laugh not, heal not. Write not, live not." ~Hypothesis

Offline PretzelGirl

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1427
  • the exquisite corpse shall drink new wine
Re: Suspend (882 Words)
« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2009, 04:00:37 AM »
The first 3 paragraphs are a bit much to take in, there's a lot of information presented that really shouldn't be revealed right away. You're better of starting at that second section, or just in the middle of some sort of action without all the backstory.

Also, avoid telling... anywhere you've got "was", "were", "is" is usually an indicator of telling.
Also be more specific... what is a "practically invisible door"? Show us what it looks like and we'll judge for ourselves.
Smoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas!
- A. J. Rimmer, Red Dwarf

Offline veronica Flynn

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 27
Re: Suspend (882 Words)
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2009, 04:24:01 PM »
It seems the makings of a good story, but I have to agree with other comments. too much tell, not enough show and sometimes it seemed you repeated adjectives in same paragraph, could possibly condense more.  All in all a nice start.  VFlynn

Offline Karienne

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 18
Re: Suspend (882 Words)
« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2009, 11:55:26 PM »
Thanks for the advice!

Offline DarkGoddessNight

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
Re: Suspend (882 Words)
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2021, 07:56:46 PM »
Hi! So I do realize that this particular thread hasn't been posted to in quite some time, but I'm new here and was specifically looking for paranormal romances since that is what I'm writing. I have to say I really loved this. I'll go ahead and agree that there was a bit of info dumping in the first section, which threw me off a little bit. My high school creative writing teacher would say, "Sprinkle it in for flavor! Too much and you spoil the stew, but if you don't add enough it will be bland and tasteless." So spread it out a little more and make us readers work for the information. It's fun to piece the puzzle together instead of having the puzzle handed to us already preassembled, ya know.

Anyway, you probably already fixed it by now since here it is 2021 and this was posted in 2009, but I still wanted to voice that I did truly enjoy reading this.