Author Topic: Purity  (Read 653 times)

Offline crch

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Purity
« on: January 03, 2021, 01:44:41 PM »
Purity

Purity birthed Innocence to shine a light on what is just.

Innocence knows not what power she holds.

The very touch of Innocence is unbeguild.

Her love posses no judgement.

Her faith is as natural as her breath.

Her clarity defines truth, and her wisdom falls with honey.

As the lamb is pursued by the wolf,

her fortitude commands justice without shame,
and it is eagerly given.

Only through innocence do you have the courage to see pain, and yet, see past it.

By what magic does Innocence entrance?

Her justice disarms the wolf and gives power to the lamb.

...and to think this is only a child.

Offline delilah22

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Re: Purity
« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2021, 12:14:22 PM »
Please explain the last six lines, in brief, if you wish, a detailed explanation would be well-appreciated though!

Offline crch

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Re: Purity
« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2021, 05:05:55 PM »




Purity

I wrote this poem after my sister died.  She had a 1 yr. son and a 2 yr. old  daughter that I was caring for just days after her death.

One night, I  was putting them to sleep and the baby would not stop crying.  I rocked him, walked with him, sang to him, everything I could think of.  He still cried.

Finally, I put him in his crib, walked out, and shut the door to let him cry himself to sleep.

When I looked up, there was his sister, only 2, staring straight into my eyes and said, “That’s not right”.

The crying was hard for everyone to hear, especially right then.

I was shocked.  I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, but I was schooled. 

We stood looking at each other.  She did not flinch.


I went through a range of emotions.  Quilt, shame, nervousness.

 What did I do?

 Would my sister have been upset with me for letting him cry in the dark by himself?
 
I felt so bad. 

My little niece had no bad feelings towards me.  She didn’t want me to feel bad.  She knew something wasn’t quite right and that I needed to fix it.

Her sweet spirit was strong.  I felt it pierce right through me.  I turned around and opened that door.  She followed me in to make sure I did it right.

We all slept together that night. 

2 years old.

Life does not get more innocent than that. 

She had clarity in her wisdom, she commanded justice without shame, and I eagerly gave what she commanded.

I think about that night often.  I was grieving my sister and grieving for her children because they had no mother.

I feel so guilty sometimes when I think about my young niece, who could barely talk,  having to take the role of an adult at that sensitive time, to care for her brother.

 She was clear in her wisdom.

Her innocence wanted justice.

 Justice was dealt without shame.

I eagerly gave her what she wanted because she was right. 

She was not upset with me. 

She gave me no reason to be defensive.

Thankfully, when I look past myself and through her eyes, I do not feel shame or the pain of that night, and I can move on.

 I know she held only love in that young, little heart. 

What else would be there?


 


Offline delilah22

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Re: Purity
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2021, 04:44:08 AM »
This is so heart touching, that's a lot for sharing this. It means a lot, really!
I read the poem again, and got it this time, absorbed it, loved it. Oh, the purity! The innocence!


Offline Patrick.G

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Re: Purity
« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2021, 07:55:03 PM »
My goodness, after reading the context of this poem and going back and reading again... well I have a lump in my throat and I don't know whether to smile at the innocence and purity or whether just to sob. Love it!

Offline crch

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Re: Purity
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2021, 04:34:54 PM »

It is special to me that you engaged with my poem
and encouraging to know that it evoked emotion in someone other than me!

I read your responses to my niece (now 15).  It meant so much to her as well. 

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Offline Royal Thorn 78

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Re: Purity
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2021, 12:05:56 PM »
When you describe in prose what prompted this writing, you evoke the senses and the emotions -- that is quality writing.  Your poem is way too general/abstract to let us share what you feel. 

Offline crch

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Re: Purity
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2021, 01:59:02 PM »


I am thrilled to hear the word "quality". Thank you

In your opinion, how do I write a poem that doesn't reveal "me", but reveals "you" when it is read?

Does that make sense?  Yes, written like my poems.  I know... :)






Offline Royal Thorn 78

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Re: Purity
« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2021, 03:30:46 PM »
A poem very well can successfully reveal "me" and/or "you" -- the Narrator (N) and or the reader, or some hypothicated second-person recipient of the poem.

Amie wrote a long time ago some excellent advice for new poets concerning abstractions and generalizations --  well worth the time to read, and then re-read every six months or so:

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7667.0


Offline crch

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Re: Purity
« Reply #9 on: February 19, 2021, 04:06:52 PM »
I'm on it.

Offline Royal Thorn 78

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Re: Purity
« Reply #10 on: February 19, 2021, 04:50:27 PM »
 8)

Offline IzzBuzz

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Re: Purity
« Reply #11 on: February 24, 2021, 11:42:35 PM »
Re-reading this poem after you gave the full story about your sister was incredibly touching.
Ideally though, the poem should stand on its own.
It's a bit too abstract right now in order to evoke that emotion on its own, but if you put in the real-life details, it would be wonderful :)

Offline crch

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Re: Purity
« Reply #12 on: February 25, 2021, 04:59:16 AM »
I have been staring at this poem for weeks.

My experience, so far, is that I hear a poem in my head and write it down.
Technical writing is much more difficult.

The structure and meaning of my poem fall apart when I try to rewrite it.
It's got me beat at the moment.

I need a ghostwriter.


Offline JTetstone

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Re: Purity
« Reply #13 on: February 25, 2021, 10:44:16 AM »
I hope you don't mind. I am sorry for your loss...

A child of light,innocent, and just
in all her ways
A flicker of light, wise beyond her years.
A child who, through the eyes of innocence
sees past the wolf's angry cries.


Just write it from your heart. Best of luck with your writing.   jt
I was born and raised wearing hand me down shoes and clothes-but I was richer by far than those who thought themselves 'my betters.'  I'd take love over riches and fame any day.

Offline Royal Thorn 78

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Re: Purity
« Reply #14 on: February 25, 2021, 12:33:18 PM »
CR --

You may want to just let this poem sit for a while.  I sense your frustration in getting this poem to where you want it, mainly because I've felt that frustration so often myself. 

Sometimes we take a break and come back with a fresh view.  Sometimes we may need to write more poems before we are ready to tackle this again.  Sometimes we need to add more tools to your poetic tool box.  This can take time.  I am sure you didn't have all of the tools for productive technical writing down pat from the git-go.

This is an important poem -- you realize that or you wouldn't be frustrated.  You don't know how long it may take, but don't give up on it, and don't cheat the poem.

When you do tackle a revision, a starting point would be to review your use of abstract language – purity, innocence, wisdom, truth.  If you have read Amie’s sage advice, then you realize how noncommunicative these words generally are. 

You know what it means when the lines say:

Purity birthed Innocence to shine a light on what is just. / Innocence knows not what power she holds.

But your reader isn’t able to see what you see in these abstractions.  Purity birthed Innocence?  Is the import of the poem changed, for example,  if Purity and Innocence are instead half-sisters, or cousins, or Aunt and Niece? If not, then none of this advances your narrative.  And your reader has no clue.

Most of our better, more engaging, poetry is based on personal experience -- that's where the strongest emotions originate.  When you find that theme, your task becomes allowing your reader to share in the emotions.  That is usually done by selective inclusion of details which show the basis for the emotions, rather than just saying ‘happy’ or ‘sad.’

Compare:

1.  Receding love boiled over with stinging betrayal, sudden regret, instant hate, and the galloping need for vengeance.

2.  She took one look at the lipstick above his eyebrow, the crease of stripper-glitter across his neck, then pulled the ring from her finger and sliced the diamond across his cheek.


These are given as examples only.  Which of the two gives you a better feel for what is happening in the poem?  Which gives you some reason to like or hate the narrator?  My view is the closer a person can write toward #2 and the more they can try to avoid sounding like #1, the more accessible the poem will be to readers.  That's what I meant by adding details.

If any of this is unclear, let me know.

Keep writing.

Roy


« Last Edit: February 25, 2021, 12:38:16 PM by Royal Thorn 78 »