Author Topic: Review my script! This is the first scene  (Read 64 times)

Offline evisewat

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Review my script! This is the first scene
« on: December 29, 2020, 06:24:19 AM »
Okay, so this is based around the characters Tybalt (Romeo and Juliet) and Edmund (King Lear). You sort-of need to be familiar with these plays to fully "get" it, but if you're not I'd love to hear feedback nonetheless. I never wrote a play before.




A HALL OF RESIDENCE IN A BRITISH UNIVERSITY.
                     FURNISHINGS INCLUDE TWO BUNK BEDS AND TWO
DESKS WHICH STAND ON EITHER SIDE OF THE PAIR
                    OF BEDS. THERE IS A DOOR ADJACENT TO THE
             DESK TO LEFT OF THE PAIR OF BEDS. 


                        ENTER EDMUND THROUGH DOOR, ROLLING SUITCASE.


EDMUND
My final year at Ashden University. Maybe this year I will             finally make something of myself. (PAUSE) No, I can’t. I need to accept the role that I have been assigned. I am lesser than my brother. Edgar will inherit his land, and become Earl of Gloucester. Life for me will continue on as it always has. A joke to be mocked in the presence of my fathers colleagues and friends. I am an accident, unwanted. Invisible to the outer world. A bastard. (LAYS DOWN ON BOTTOM BUNK CLOSEST TO DOOR) 


                        ENTER TYBALT, HIS ARMS OVERSTUFFED WITH  HIS
                    BELONGINGS. HE DROPS THEM LOUDLY. EDMUND
                        DOESN’T MOVE.


TYBALT
Hey, I thought you’d be in a better mood seeing as we’re back in university. Didn’t you once say you have never felt happier than you felt here, Edmund?


                      EDMUND SITS UP SLIGHTLY, THEN DRAMATICALLY
                        FALLS BACK DOWN. TYBALT CLIMBS ONTO THE BUNK ABOVE EDMUND 

TYBALT
Snap outta it dude. Remember what you said before I left for home in Summer?

EDMUND
That Shakespeare is an overrated playwright who got high on before writing convoluted, nonsensical and ridiculous plays? He just spewed out the first thing that came into his head and now people over-interpret his “deep contemplations on human nature,” or whatever pretentious term they give it.   



TYBALT
You’re the only person studying Literature who doesn’t like Shakespeare. You know, even I think that his work is somehow relevant to modern times. And no, I wasn’t talking about that.

EDMUND
Well I don’t see any way in which that crackhead would be relevant to my life, Tybalt. If this was a play I’d be scheming to kill my brother. In my jealousy of him being born in marriage, fueled by own hatred of myself being an illegitimate child. Something stupid and totally unrealistic. Thankfully, this isn’t a play.   

TYBALT
You told me this was going to be your year. When you finally show to your brother, and to everyone that you are equal to him.

EDMUND
I really shouldn't take advice from someone who attempts to kill someone every other week.

TYBALT
(DISMISSIVELY) That’s irrelevant.

EDMUND
You literally have a tattoo which says “Proud Montague”. Who tattoos their family name on their chest and threatens to stab anyone from your rivaling gang?

TYBALT   
It’s not a gang! We are just an organized group of criminals who hate Capulets. 

EDMUND
I don’t know how long Prince Escalus can turn a blind eye to your “organized group of criminals”.   

TYBALT
Chill, I can see no way that this will end badly for me.

EDMUND
Someone’s coming.


                       ANTHONY IS GRACEFUL, CALM, AND POISED. HE IS  SOFT-SPOKEN; CONTRASTING TYBALT’S BOLD ANDuu
                        OUTGOING NATURE.   

ANTHONY
Is this (GLANCES AT PAPER) Edmund, Tybalt and Kelly’s room?

EDMUND
(SHOWING INSTANT INTEREST IN ANTHONY) Yes. And you are?

ANTHONY
Anthony. I’m your roommate for this year.

TYBALT
What happened to the other guy?

ANTHONY
I heard it was plagiarism.

EDMUND
(WITH FORCED SWAGGER) Kinda disappointing knowing his reputation. I was hoping it’d be something cool, like a consequence of his famous drunken adventures.

TYBALT 
Ed, you avoided him whenever he was here. Such people scare you, don’t pretend you were tight with him or anything.

EDMUND
(DEFENSIVELY) I … I have been around a bit. I don’t just stay in here and hide from all the action.

TYBALT
That is the literal definition of you.

EDMUND
(CLIMBS OUT OF BED TO FACE TYBALT, SPEAKING IN A LOW VOICE, ONLY HEARD BY TYBALT) Shut up right now.

ANTHONY
I’m like that too, I keep to myself mostly. (TO EDMUND) Aren’t you Edgar’s brother?

EDMUND
Unfortunately.


                        ENTER EDGAR, SABRINA. EDGAR IS HOLDING A CLIPBOARD. SABRINA HAS HER ARMS AROUND  EDGAR.

TYBALT
Speak of the devil.

EDGAR 
Would you guys sign my petition?

TYBALT
What’s it for?

EDGAR
The turtles.

TYBALT
What’s that gonna do? You gonna mail it to them?

EDGAR
You always pick apart everything I say. Here I am, obtaining signatures out of the goodness of my heart, and all you do is ridicule me!

TYBALT
You’re only interested in looking good in front of others.

ANTHONY
Sure I’ll sign it, why not.

EDGAR
(ONLY SEEING ANTHONY NOW) Hi, I’m Edgar. I am sure you’ve heard of me (LAUGHS). This petition is a project I am doing as part of my “Help The Less Fortunate” club. Yeah, I am that selfless. (HANDING PEN TO ANTHONY) I am even nice to Edmund here, despite the fact that he is my illegitimate brother. Oh, and you should visit Gloucester sometime. It’s a nice place, and I am going to become Earl of Gloucester in about a year.

ANTHONY
You’re quite young to become an Earl.

EDGAR
A lot of the noble alumni from here were older when they inherited their kingdoms, yeah. But I feel that I am well prepared, because I am so incredibly kind. And virtuous. And modest.

TYBALT
(SARCASTICALLY) Extremely Modest.

EDGAR
(TO SABRINA) Let’s go Sab. No-one else here is altruistic enough.
                            EDGAR AND SABRINA LEAVE



TYBALT
You think you’d get used to insufferable people in a university specifically for aristocrats. (TO EDMUND) Who was that girl practically hanging off his shoulder anyway?

EDMUND
His new girlfriend. Claims to be madly in love, despite knowing her for like three days now.

TYBALT
The two just met? Anyone with common sense can tell you these kinda things always end badly.

ANTHONY
What are you guys taking as your minor?

TYBALT
Marine Biology. It’s so much more interesting than the compulsory stuff we gotta do.

EDMUND
Literature for me. My father doesn’t mind me taking what he considers a useless course, as I am not going to be a leader anyway.

ANTHONY
I get that. I am doing Linguistics. My father doesn't really get the point of that either, but I made a compromise with him that at least I’ll study it with the usual course for us.

                    .  TYBALT BEGINS TO HAPHAZARDLY UNPACK, WITHOUT
   OBSERVABLE ORGANIZATION.

EDMUND 
What does your father do?

ANTHONY
You wouldn’t have heard of him. He is an advisor to Claudius, the brother of the King of Denmark, King Hamlet.

EDMUND
Are you hoping to end up doing something singular to him?

ANTHONY
No. I want to teach. My brother Laertes will continue on my father’s line of work though.

EDMUND
What’s Denmark like? I’ve never been.
ANTHONY
Not as bad as the King’s son makes it out to be. He constantly mopes around and complains, monologuing for hours on end for some reason.   

EDMUND
Sure all teenagers go through such phases.

ANTHONY
He’s thirty.

EDMUND
Damn, and I thought living with my brother was bad.

ANTHONY
Oh, he’s pretty harmless anyway. Anyway, I gotta go. Talk to you later, Edmund?

EDMUND
Hopefully, yeah.

ANTHONY
(CONFUSED) Okay, bye man.

                       EXIT ANTHONY HURRIEDLY. TYBALT FINISHES               …………………………………………………....UNPACKING AND GOES UP TO EDMUND.



TYBALT
What was all that about?

EDMUND
(FEIGNING CONFIDENCE) What do you mean?

TYBALT
Y’know exactly what I mean Ed.

EDMUND
Leave it alone. It’s not going to go anywhere.

TYBALT
You don’t know if you don’t ask.

EDMUND
I need to unpack.


                        EDMUND AND TYBALT TURN TO UNPACKING.
                        BLACKOUT.