Author Topic: At Blade's Edge (1100words) Gritty/Dark Fantasy(Contains Violence, Blood & Gore)  (Read 145 times)

Offline Eddieism

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  • You can call me Ed, I'm a fantasy writer
Hi there, I'm Ed and this is the first chapter of my novel; I've done 2 complete overalls of this book idea, finally, after doing a bit of research I think my skill as developed enough to start it for real, Not sure what genre it is yet. A fair warning it's chock full of violence, blood, and gore from the get-go, so if that is something you do not like, please avoid reading.

What I'm hoping to get out of posting here, is to gauge the reader's interest, whether this is a good start to the novel, whether I should change it maybe.

How do you feel about Carric? - What are your thoughts about him? - do you like him? and why?

What do you think Carric's Condition is? - Have I explained it well enough in the dialogue to understand what's happening?

Was it at all difficult to read? - was the flow good enough for me not to do a reread? (If there is some small stuff you notice either use google docs comment function to point it out, or you can give me an example of it or tell me it deserves a re-read in a comment below).

Did the action and description of the area give you enough to imagine what was going on? - at any point were you lost at what was going on?

I hope my questions aren't too much and are easy to understand. If people simply want to view it that is fine, if you feel like commenting without critiquing that is also fine, just give me a very general idea whether you liked it or not, like a thumbs up or down.

This is a google doc link, you should be able to view and comment on certain aspects of the chapter, up to you whether you use the google docs comment function or simply comment what you think down below. lastly thank you in advance. I hope you like it :)

Offline OdiousImp

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My first time doing this as well, so please forgive me if I do something wrong.

Your first chapter was definitely enjoyable to read, it was interesting too Carric problems. You said how were worried you hadn't explained well enough and to be honest it's not really something you can explain without directly stating it, I think that a reason this chapter was so enjoyable was the idea that the reader didn't know what was happening fully, this is just first chapter don't feel as if you have to explain everything in it. By not doing so you urge the reader to carry on reading and there when it fits in a little better you could explain it then??

If you wanted to know what I thought, It came across to me as though it was his own thoughts talking to him. Perhaps he was troubled with the idea of killing someone and he was making himself do it?

“We” Carric rushed out of brush"

I like this line, however I'm not sure if it was question or a statement and that could change quite a bit towards our understanding of how Carric feels.

Your choice of writing the other voice in a slang tone, does work but you could try and keep it a bit more consistent.

Fool, you value the stones beneath ya more than our life, quit kidding ya’self

What I mean the use of "Fool" makes me think he will start of all posh but then he starts saying "ya" and I'm a bit taken back and it doesn't sound right to read.

Your use of semi-colons is grammatically fine but as you know not many books actually use this many.

He sniffs at it; opening his mouth to taste it in the air

Here a comma would be fine.

"Carric’s feet submerge, his frenzied momentum halted; ankle deep in the mud; he hauls his feet forward. "

Maybe two short sentences instead?

One thing that you might want to change is swapping verbs like "stopped" with "stops", I forgot what these were called now, but the latter makes your writing a bit quicker and flow nicer. This is out of action scene as you unconsciously have wrote with verbs like "stops" in the action scene.

Now the action scene -  I like it. It's quick paced and not too confusing. However I got slightly confused when he sunk into a bog suddenly. I get you described it as "muddied earth" but that didn't do too much for me. If is meant to a surprise (as I think it is) could you make his surprise a bit clearer.

The second closest orc reels himself into the muck; axe and shield together he swings at the giant; who despite being ankle deep in muck he still towers over him.

This line is very clever, you are describing him without doing it directly, respect it just feels clever to read.

The third orc fight is basically perfect abliet some unusual word choices.

 "his eyes dart between his mortally wounded ally; the human, his brutally murdered friend and the crazed giant who caused all this,"

The semi-colon works here but the adjective crazed doesn't, it just doesn't fit it. You could probably get rid of it and it'd fine.

"lifeless eyes once filled with life."

Not really any point in saying lifeless then once filled with life. Maybe void eyes?

Now about Carric - I'm liking him, I immediately get his idea of a troubled main character which is just what I want. Someone who is troubled by his past and you don't need to reveal this, it's quite nice to keep us thinking.

"More silence, Carric continues walking completely exhausted mentally and physically; he holds his wounded left arm. "

The last bit feels a bit like a add-on, whenever you use semi-colons try to properly intergrate them into the sentence, perhaps "holding his wounded left arm"

In general I enjoyed reading it, it was quick but at the same time descriptive. I was working off the stereotype of what a giant and orc look like, so if you didn't want this you should describe them. You've written in a way that makes me want to read more and that is always good.

Offline Eddieism

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Hi There OdiousImp,

You Sir definitely didn't anything wrong! you've actually helped me immensely, especially with your examples of punctuation, That's something I never noticed about my writing, that I tend to use Semi-colon a lot, I will keep note of that and try to tone it down a little as I think it'll make for a better reading experience, Thank you.

The use of "fool" Thank you for bringing that to my attention as well, completely lapsed my mind, I will change that into something more suitable and I won't be using the same word everytime now, as I think that'll get boring.

Someone I know told me about "Passive term" he called it, I think that's what you mean by using "stops" instead of "Stopping" to make things quicker, You explain it so well, thank you for giving me examples, as it makes for editing my chapter much easier since I know what to look for now.

Oh, you were spot on that the mud was meant to be a surprise, I'm going to reword that bit slightly to make the surprise clearer as you said so.

About Carric, I'm glad you like him, also glad you found his problem interesting too, Hopefully in future chapters, I can keep people interested even after revealing said Condition.

Lastly, just thanks, man. Each critique I get helps me immensely Since I will be using the critiques of the first chapters to make edits, and I will use the edits as a guide for future chapters, and also as an example of "good writing" I guess :D

Thanks again, it's good to chat with you again