Author Topic: subterranean metaphor  (Read 290 times)

Offline dlp

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subterranean metaphor
« on: November 20, 2020, 04:17:25 AM »
 

Somnambulant visions persist,
despite a wakeful vigilance.

A splendid foolishness bursts forth.

The rich-red flowing fire of neglected and abandoned desire,
ignites the mind to far-flung spasms.

Primal monsters grunt and screech.

Vertical walls of wet stone echo from the abyss,
the drunken violence of a tortured soul.

Yet the cool liquids of aquamarine,
azure blue and malachite green
can slake the thirst and silence the scream.

Then put to rest the somnambulant dream
 


   

Offline Royal Kumari

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Re: subterranean metaphor
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2020, 01:49:29 AM »
Somnambulant visions persist,
despite wakeful vigilance.

A splendid foolishness bursts.

The rich-red flowing fire of abandoned desire,
ignites mind to far-flung spasms.

Primal monsters grunt and screech.

Vertical walls of wet stone echo from abyss,
drunken violence of a tortured soul.

Yet cool liquids of aquamarine,
azure blue and malachite green
can slake the thirst and silence the scream.

Then put to rest the somnambulant dream


Condensing some... I like the rhyming and the cadence of how it reads.

Offline crch

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Re: subterranean metaphor
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2021, 05:15:58 PM »
I was so thankful for the
"cool liquids of aquamarine,
azure blue and malachite green".

I really didn't know if he was going to make it!

This reminds me of a poem that I am working on now and I gave myself the same critique I that I'll submit to you.

The beginning of the poem flows with a strong, yet submissive tone.  I felt it.  The "cool liquids" revived me. I struggled with "Primal monsters grunt and screech".  It was a little intense for the rest of the poem. When you take it out, the message still stands and resonated with me.

Nice cadence. I can now "put to rest the somnambulant dream"!
 

Offline Royal Thorn 78

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Re: subterranean metaphor
« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2021, 12:27:03 PM »
Feels like you have something to say, but in my opinion, this is vastly over-written.  There seems to be no noun without accompanying melodramatically exultant modifiers.